Fanfic Short Stories

Schitt's Creek: Tropey Anniversary

Summary: Patrick loves romantic comedies, and he wants a rom-com inspired anniversary. David's not a rom-com fan, but he commits to the bit.

"We did not have a meet cute," David announced as he entered Rose Apothecary with two coffees.

"Okay," said Patrick, pausing his conversation with Stevie. "I guess I agree with that. It was more amusing than cute."

David handed Patrick one of the coffees. "Twyla has been telling people that our relationship is a real-life romantic comedy. I'm the big city big shot who fell for the hometown bumpkin and saved a business."

"Well, this isn't my hometown and I'm not a bumpkin," Patrick said. "And we started a business."

"Exactly!" David exclaimed. "We are not stock romance characters!"

"But I do enjoy rom-coms," Patrick said. "I kind of like the idea of being in one."

"That's what you should do for your anniversary," Stevie suggested.

"Watch a rom-com?" David sounded personally offended by the idea.

"No," she clarified. "Be in one. Give Patrick a rom-com experience."

"It sounds fun," Patrick agreed. "And why don't you like rom-coms, David? They're so dramatic and over the top."

"So heteronormative," David said.

"They don't have to be," Stevie said. "For instance, holiday romance movies are becoming a lot more diverse." She took in their surprised looks. "Hey, I enjoy holiday movies, okay?"

*

Patrick was surprised a few days later when he found an envelope decorated with hearts on the store's counter. It had his name and the words "Tropey Anniversary" on it.

Inside was a card, that read:

Please join me for dinner tomorrow with my parents. Be warned that when I told them you were my partner, they thought I meant in a romantic sense rather than a business partner. They were so happy and I never told them the truth. They think we are dating. I'm begging you to play along.

Trope 1: Fake dating.

When Patrick looked up from the note, he saw David.

"Will you be my fake date?" David asked.

"On first our wedding anniversary?" Patrick was grinning. "It would be my pleasure."

*

The entire Rose family was in on the joke. David's parents and sister pretended they were meeting Patrick for the first time. Then Moira pulled him aside for an over-the-top revelation that only she could pull off. She claimed she had discovered that his parents owned her husband's main business rival. "I perceive how much you and my first-born are enamored, but alas! Such bliss can never lead to matrimony. Your union must be fleeting!"

David handed Patrick another card.

Trope 2: Forbidden love.

*

David insisted on driving when they went home, which was a surprise. He came to a stop next to the motel. "Oh no!" he said in the most fake dramatic voice ever. "We'll never make it home in this weather!"

"What weather?" Patrick asked.

There was a rumbling sound, and then...

"Are those snowflakes?" Patrick opened the passenger door and stepped outside. In the shadows he could see a cherry picker, and snowflakes were drifting down from it.

"Fortunately there's a motel nearby," David said.

"Hurry up!" came Ronnie's voice. "I'm running out of snow, and you're not the only ones planning to get lucky tonight, if you know what I mean."

"Thanks!" Patrick called up to her. "I really appreciate this."

David handed Patrick another card.

Trope 3: Stranded in a snowstorm.

*

"Hello, complete strangers I've never met before," Stevie greeted them in a deadpan voice. "Due to the freak snowstorm, we're almost fully booked, but we do have the honeymoon suite still available."

"That's perfect," David told her. "Since it's the honeymoon suite, I assume that means there's —"

"Only one bed," they all said together.

Stevie handed them the room key and a card.

Trope 4: Only one bed.

*

The room had a bottle of champagne, and there were flower petals on the bed. Not rose petals, but something more unusual.

There was also a card.

Tropes 5, 6, and 7: One-night stand. Get it out of our systems. Sex pollen.

"So... partner," David practically purred the word. "Tomorrow we have to go back to business as usual. But tonight the fates have conspired to bring us together."

"I have a confession to make," Patrick said. "I've been hiding the fact that I'm wildly attracted to you. And I'm pretty sure those flower petals are covered in a pollen that is lowering my inhibitions."

"If you're very good — by which I mean, very bad — then I'll watch a rom-com with you tomorrow."

Patrick kissed David.

"So you liked the tropey anniversary?" David asked.

"It's perfect."

David opened the champagne bottle. "I had help."

"That's the best part. Having friends and family contrive to bring two people together is my favorite trope of all."

"Well, my favorite trope is being ravished by my husband." David gestured toward his formal attire. "This ensemble isn't going to remove itself."

*

The next morning Patrick looked out the window of the motel room, and he turned back around to gape at David. "Did you plan for this to happen?"

"What?" David strolled over. "Is that snow?"

It was indeed, nearly a foot of snow.

"I'm not driving in that," David announced.

Patrick picked up the TV remote. "We have cable, right? I'll find a rom-com."

A/N: For the Flufftober Day 18 prompt: "Did you plan for this to happen?"

** general hand-waving over the timeline **
Just pretend that their anniversary falls near winter