Voices of Humanity

Chapter Fifty-One

Last chapter left off with Magnus and Alice enjoying dinner together. All rainbows and sunshine... but that isn't the reality of this world. Magnus can afford to forget that. Alice can not. And so the story continues...

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Persistent with his offers of friendship I began to slowly open up more to Magnus, willingly eating at his table and even daring to reveal some part of myself, though I was cautious not to share too much. I couldn't trust that I wouldn't someday need the information I kept hidden. Magnus was still a sibla farmer after all. But when he asked one evening for some account of my incarceration, I told him the truth.

At least a portion of the truth. How could I possibly relive the true horror I'd witnessed. The pain I had visited upon my friends and allies in leaving them to death. The torture I'd watched them face. The guilt I felt having survived.

Still, I told him of my cell. Of the chains I'd worn. Of the starvation and fear locked in isolation for so long. The horror in his expression increased with every added detail and I was fascinated by it. Why did he care so much? I had survived after all. That was more than I could say for the others. But when I concluded there was no questioning the anger and frustration Magnus was barely containing.

"You did not deserve such treatment!" he seethed.

Magnus's words rang hollow in my ears.

I had deserved the punishment received. Thinking back on all the unjust discipline wrought against me in the past, I knew the truth. This time I had well earned my suffering. The blood on my hands, both sibla and human, demanded it.

"I murdered my Master and his entire family, " I answered. The statement echoed uncomfortably, a dark cloud of truth blanketing the ridiculous facade of companionship we'd developed through these dinners together. I watched as the sibla man across from me looked away, focusing on his meal.

We finished eating in silence, not that I had much appetite any more. The moment he set his fork and knife down I stood, collecting his plates and clearing the table, going back to the kitchen as quickly as I could, shutting the door behind me and bolting it, for fear he might follow.

I felt sick to my stomach, the memories of flames, blood, starvation, and torture filling my mind with such overwhelming force that I sunk to the stone ground, tears streaming down my cheeks unbidden. I deserved none of Magnus's kindness. No mercy. I should have died in my cell. I should be punished for every death I'd caused. For every infant murdered by my herbs. For all of my friends, tortured and slaughtered in the name of my cause. And for every sibla life taken in revenge, I too had turned into a monster. No better than Dulane or Everett. I was irredeemable.

As the horrible truths filled me the room began to spin. I lay on my side, curling into a ball like a child, breath ragged, body shaking. I cried until no tears remained and my entire being was spent.

Fearing to return to my room and run into Magnus should he come to check on me, I chose instead to spend the night in the one space I felt true comfort. Forcing myself to drink a glass of water, I curled up in a corner of the larder as I had in my younger days, working late in the kitchens to please Lexia. Exhaustion thankfully overtook all conscious thought within minutes.

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Locked in the basement I awoke on instinct with the dawn. The thin slivers of pink light leaking through the small windows above confirming the rise of the sun. My body felt almost weightless as I rose, so worn by my fit of grief the night before, my every movement felt surreal. I set to work, going about my tasks mindlessly, preparing breakfast for my Master, managing to set it on the table and retreat before I might encounter Magnus. I couldn't face him. Not yet.