In Our Heads

Chapter 54

*****

The car was silent as they drove aside from a soft voice on the radio running through the news.

Theodore kept his eyes on the road ahead, occasionally glancing towards the middle of the dashboard as the words or numbers on the screen changed.

The atmosphere in the car was tangibly awkward. Theodore was having difficulty breathing because he was afraid to do it too loudly. He needed to clear his throat too, but wasn't going to do that even though it was itching. This drive had made him realise that – other than when Derek had something serious to talk to him about – they were rarely alone with each other.

They had been driving quietly for twenty minutes after initially climbing into the car.

"So," Derek broke the silence, clearing his own throat and Theodore took a second to feel relief at the fact that he was not the only one having a hard time thinking about how to communicate with the man beside him. "Have you decided whether you're going?"

"No..."

"You're really considering not going?"

Theodore lifted his shoulders in an uncertain half-shrug when Cassian's father looked at him.

It was not that he did not trust them... Well, it was a little.

How could they be okay with suddenly having a young child to look after? Even considering Cassian claiming that they were not nearly as busy and away-from-home as much as they used to be, and Mr and Mrs Carmichael swore they were happy to have him and Zion there: they had not planned for or wanted another child.

Theodore was sure people were happy to finally get some time to breathe when their children went off to college, and their becoming parents to Zion meant another twelve years of putting their lives on hold to take care of someone. He was just worried that they would regret taking them in.

"Theo?"

"What – Oh. Sorry. Yes, I... I'm not sure about it," he mumbled.

He was certain he wanted to go to college. He desperately wanted to, but it didn't matter how much he wanted that, he wanted more for Zion to be okay and figured he needed to be around for that.

"Theodore, if you're worried about Zion, he will be alright. You'll only be gone for a few months at a time and Charlotte and I are happy to have him. The adoption's going to take a few months, but he'll be with us until then anyway and we won't let him see your mother without us nearby."

Derek's fingers tapped the steering wheel as he took in a breath.

"I know you're afraid of what will happen when you're gone, and I know you barely know us so it's hard to trust us, but I promise you we will do everything we can to make sure he's happy, healthy and safe. The thing is, we want that for both of you.

"You cannot be doing well being this worried and stressed about everything, Theodore. You need some time away from all of this. Some time to be a teenager and mess around while we'll be the adults. So go. Do something you've always wanted to in a place that won't have the heaviness this place has on you. Make friends, learn and have fun. Going doesn't mean you're abandoning Zion. You'll be a phone call and a flight away and he'll feel secure if you reassure him. Trust me, we've got this. We've got you."

Theodore didn't know how to reply and just bit his lip as he turned to stare out of the window beside him feeling choked up. Derek's hand landing on his shoulder to squeeze it didn't make the overwhelming feelings he had any less. In fact, it made it worse and he had to take a deep, trembling breath to keep himself in check.