Ad Infinitum

Chapter 25

©mugiichan, 2015

Past, Present and in Between (Pt. 1)

***

I was there standing in the facade of the firm, looking at him. As the rain continues to pour down heavily, he was still there holding an umbrella, his soulful gaze was laid on my eyes, having a deep contact with my soul. I don't know how many seconds passed that we are staring at each other's eyes to the point that I didn't even knew he was already in front of me. He was still in his corporate attire, denoting that he's from his work. Well, new work in a new firm I guess. I involuntarily closed my eyes, breaking the stare I have on him and was about to turn away, he holds my hand.

"Saab." He calls my name so hoarse, yet so sweet and beautiful. Bakit ganoon? Bakit may epekto pa siya sa'kin? Bakit sa isang tawag niya lang sa'kin, unti-unti akong humihina, it's like I'm selflessly submitting myself to him, to look at him into his eyes and listen. I try to avoid him at all costs, I want to move on with my life. I can only remember my bitter past when I'm with him. Gusto ko mang sabihin ang utak ko na may mabuti siyang nagawa sa'kin, he has still the good heart deep inside of him, pero lahat ng iyon, nababahisan ng kamalian niya. All I could remember is the pain he inflicted on me, the times that I'm alone, afraid and depressed. I don't want to go back in that darkest days of my life. All I want to do is to be happy. I think, it's my time to be happy again. I'm growing old, I can't deny that reality and I want to fix myself, to seek my real potential and be contented and happy once again.

"Saab, please don't turn your back on me." He breathes heavily, like he's gonna break down. Shaun, not here, please. Don't break down in front of me. Please... "Please naman, harapin mo ako. Kausapin mo ako."

"W-what are you doing in here?" I can't face him. I tried to be firm with my voice but I was stuttering. I just bit my lip and telling myself not to cry again. Ilang beses ko na bang sinabihan ang sarili ko? I think it was endless, but I was so stubborn. It's like it has it own mind, to do whatever it likes. I was so stubborn that I let go a tear to fell from my eye. Marahan niyang hinila ako para makita niya ang pagmumukha ko. The care, longing the grieving was visible in his eyes. I can feel that he is still the Shaun that I loved the most. He is the man I fell in love yet, I can't just unsee his mistakes he made unto me, making me to push him away.

"I just want to check you out and leave immediately but, when I saw you there shivering in the cold, rainy night, I thought that I should take you home. Maulan at alam kong mahihirapan kang umuwi." Mahinang saad niya. "T-teka, umiiyak ka ba? Sinaktan ka ba ni Thaddeus? Anong ginawa niya? Sabihin mo sa'kin Saab." Sunod-sunod niyang tanong. He was about to caress my face when I look away, avoiding his touch.

"N-no, may pumasok lang sa mga mata ko." Pagsisinungaling ko. Hindi ko ugaling nagsisinungaling, lalo na sa kanya. "Don't worry, Thaddeus didn't hurt me, didn't even lay a finger against me. I'm okay Shaun, thanks for the concern. Titila naman ang ulan mamaya eh. Hihintayin ko na lang." I tried to pull my hand gently from him but he grips it a little tighter.

"I insist, Saab. Pagbigyan mo naman ako na makabawi naman sa'yo. Kahit man lang ito." He breathes.

"Shaun, there's no need recoup with me." I murmured. "We're done Shaun. Tapos na tayo, kaya please tantanan mo na ako, tigilan mo na ang lahat ng ito, ang kahibangan mo. Alin..." Naputol ang pagsasalita ko nang nagsalita muli siya.

"I don't want to push you to have our relationship back." He adds." I just want to start..."

"I feel that you're pushing me across the limit, Shaun. Even though your intention is just making friends with me, I just can't Shaun. Malalim ang naging relasyon natin, alam mo iyon." I interrupted him. All I want is away from me, at all cost. "Please give me space. Distansya mula sa'yo. Alin pa ba ba doon ang hindi mo naiintindihan, ha?" I flinched his hand away from me and bursted out. "For the nth time, Shaun, stay away from me! Stay away!"