Ad Infinitum

Chapter 47

©mugiichan, 2016

Adversity of Reality

***

"Yes." No.

The moment I heard his answer, I felt my world collapse. I stepped back anxiously. I was out of breath, my knees are wobbling. I need support, I need air. I need space. I need to get out of here. It felt like all of my blood was drained out from my body. One word, everything starts to change, to fell apart and to crumble into pieces.

I could tell by the way you kissed my lips that day
There was something missing, something not the same

I realized that not all yeses in the world are always good signs.

Thaddeus starts to reach for my hand. He rubbed my palm with his hand gently. It felt so cold and it trembles uncontrollably, with fear. "Look Saab, I'm-" I didn't wait for him to finish when I let my right hand land on his cheek, slapping it so hardly as I could. I bit my lip once again, trying not to hold back what I did. I couldn't take myself hurting him so much right now but it's a different story. I looked at him once again in his eyes. Questions starts to pop up in my head. How could he do this to me? How he could ever cheat on me? Did he ever thought of me that I'll be gone mad? Even for once?

You were there, but you weren't, didn't care, didn't hurt at all
Said it was what it was, then the feeling of us was gone

I shook my head in disgrace. No, no, no... I don't know him anymore! He's not the Thaddeus whom I loved. He won't do this to me. He would never ever lie to me like this. He would never, ever cheat on me. He loved me more than anything else in this world. He showed me that I deserved to be loved.

The moment I turned my back on him, he pulled me into his embrace. He encircled his arms around my belly and across to my shoulder, never letting me go. I could hear his heavy breathing as I smelled his manly body wash, the light-scented musk perfume tingles my nose in perfection. Just the smell of his fresh laundered white-fitted shirt makes my legs so wanton that I wanted to submit myself to him. No! Not now, pregnancy hormones! I resist not to melt down, to give everything up and forget what happened. He rested his chin on my shoulder. I could feel his warm breath against my neck. "Please, stay." His voice is pleading, beseeching me to stay. I wanted to stay. I wanted to tell him that I will stay because I love him. I wanted to tell him that it's okay but I can't. I was tongue tied. What he did to me is too much to handle, to expect to someone as mighty as him. It hurts me so much, it haunts me deep down inside of me ripping me out endlessly. Everytime I see his face, those gruesome pictures will always reappears inside my head, slowly torturing me; making me lose my sanity.

I watched you fade away
But I turned my head and closed my eyes
And prayed you'd stay
And I told myself that it'd be fine

It's so hard and unfair! It's so hard to accept that the person whom you loved the most hurted you in most torturous way he could ever do. I gave myself to him, I have loved him with all of my heart and soul. I let myself carry his child; our very own child that was the fruit of our undying love. Now what he had return to me?

He cheated on me!

He didn't even respect me as a woman!

Why? Why for all the people in this world, why it should be him? Why it should be my love? Why it should be the father of my baby?