Without you - Nikki Sixx fan fiction

Ch42 Trying to make a wedding dress pt2

**********All warnings apply

Beth- Anytime I ran I had a million thoughts running through my
head. Things like if I was pretty enough. What did I do during the
first few years of my marriage to make it fail? I need a boob and
waist job. Just random thoughts that woman usually think. Angel
would even have to bark at me to get me to remember the time.

Nikki would still call like clockwork. It would always be when I
was cooking or looking at bills for the rehab center. I was trying
desperately not to let him know that I knew he was in LA. I wanted
him to come to me. Maybe that was a small mistake. "What's wrong?
You're quite."

I was sitting at the desk in the room Nikki had marked private
office do not disturb. I was looking at the papers thinking to
myself the question he was asking me. I wanted to say 'I don't know
why don't you tell me what's fucking wrong? Am I not good enough to
stay sober for? Why are you even here? Why am I even fucking here?'
But instead I said, "I'm sorting through some of your paperwork."

"Ah don't do that. If you do that then I'll have no idea where
anything is. Just throw them in a box cause by the time this album
is done and we get married our house will be ready. We're almost
done we just got a few bits and stuff to go over. Have you worked on
your dress any?"

"Shit." I knocked all the papers in a box marked Nikki's
office. "No. I got material and shit but I can't come up with a nice
design. I forget the time sometimes. Angel has to bark to remind me
to pick up the kids sometimes. I've been out jogging every morning
to clear my head."

"Uh you're wearing yourself out baby. Why don't you take a day at the
day spa?"

"I can't. If I'm not doing something I'm going to flip." I sat up
and started getting an image in my head of the dress. "Mm I got it
hold on a second." I started drawing the design out.

"How's Storm?"

"Fine got her crawling on video for you. Not that you care. Sorry.
What you want for your birthday?" I said still drawing. I heard him
sigh and tapping a pencil on the phone like he normally does when he
doesn't really want to talk about something.

"You but I don't think I'll be able to come." He took a long pause
and my thoughts were don't want to or can't come. "You know what this
is bullshit. I can't lie to you. I've been here in LA in rehab.
We're not recording yet because I freaked out and went off on
everyone. This ass is talking about upping my meds."

"You haven't been taken them, have you?"

"Not really. Baby I just feel like they make me zone out even more
then drugs do. I'm coming home soon. I just want to ask you a few
questions. Is Angel friendly? Are you mad that we won't be recording
till next year? And will you still marry me when this album is done?"

"Why did you let me believe you were recording?" I said just living
it up because I wasn't about to rat Tommy out or let him know I knew
all of this already. I just felt that if he wanted me to know he
would of told me.

"We were going to I swear but I just lost it. I um called my dad
again."

"Uh Nikki." I stopped what I was doing and heard Stormy on the
monitor. "Whatever. Look I got to go our daughters up." I hung up
and went upstairs.


Nikki- I hated laying to her. I had Tommy swear he'd make it look
like we were all in Vancouver and none of use actually was. I
couldn't tell her that the night I sliced my wrist I was completely
fucked up. After she left and two days later, I walked up to Tommy
and told him I had shot up four or five times. I couldn't help but
think that after she hung up the phone from me that she somehow
knew I was in rehab the whole entire time.

Heather and some other people told me not to let her I was in rehab.
Anyway, after hearing her a few times, I realized she was doing way too
much. I could sense she was exhausted and that made me feel even
more pissed off that I let all these people tell me I couldn't see
or tell her I was even there. When I told her I was there I had a
councilor look at me when I hung up.

I flipped them off and walked off over to Tiny. I really didn't want
her to stress about me going back into rehab. I felt like shit. "You
alright?" Tiny said.

"Yeah. No, actually, no. I want to go home."

"You can check out anytime you want to. Your here on your own free
time."

"I know but I don't quit feel ready yet. I want to go home see my
kids and spend the holidays with them but I feel if I go home I
might be right back here." I walked off to my room and sat there
playing with my old wedding band. I sighed because I knew as soon as I
got out I'd have to go straight to Vancouver. 'Do not pass go or
collect $200.' We only had that one good week of recording. Everyone
started falling off the wagon after I cut my wrist.

I sat there reading this little writing I had been writing over
and over on the paper. It said, 'I remember our first good-bye.'
Then I wrote down new motto family will always come first. My family
is my life. Life=death if - family.' I stared at it for a bit then
wrote Drugs=no family there for must never fall for them no matter
how they make you feel.' I folded the paper and tried to keep it
with me and read it when I felt I would fall off the wagon.

I made a decision there that if I locked myself in the studio with
the guys I'd be away from temptations. As much as I wanted to go home
I wasn't ready to yet and I wanted them out of that house. So I went
back in and called to buy the land in Malibu that I wanted. It was
near the beach and semi near the land that we first had our first
house. Only this was in a nicer area and isolated.

I told them to make it two stories. With a studio off to the side of
the house. A big pool, Jacuzzi and room for an office. Next to the
study another room to be empty for Beth to turn it into whatever she
wanted it to be.

Beth- I was still a bit upset that it took him awhile to tell me things. I laid in the bed thinking about things after I changed Stormy. I came to the conclusion that maybe he needed time alone. I understood that. This would give us time to really think if we really wanted to get remarried or not. If he didn't want to, I know we'd still be friends but the falling in and out of bed would have to stop.

I still had no clue as to what I really wanted. Then it came to me
while I was lying on the waterbed. I jumped up and ran up to the
attic. Which was where I had my stuff at. Stuff meaning, mannequin
that was about my size. The fabric for the dresses. I already had
the girls done. I also had a bigger, better sewing machine.

I picked up the white fabric and turned on the overhead light. I
had made it into a sheet of some sort so it would go over the
mannequin. I put it over it and looked at it. Then I went to work on
it clipping, sticking it with pins and then doing the stitches after
I took it off. I spent about three or four months on it. I lost
track of the time working on.

Cause I'd have to take Nichals to school and stuff still. Every night
I'd work on it and Nikki didn't call again till the beginning of November
after Halloween night. Actually, he had Bob Rock call and then he put
Nikki on.

Nikki played the demo to Without you crying and saying he was sorry.
That he fell of the wagon and he should of never listened to
everyone. Then he put Tommy on the phone and I asked Tommy that no
matter what Nikki said or anyone said to call me if he seen Nikki
was falling again.

He agreed and said he'd keep that to himself. I finished the dress
sometime after Thanksgiving. As I said I lost track of the dates. I
stood there looking at it. Heather and Stacy were in the room with
Stormy. We had her off with Angel playing. Their dresses were black
and red mixed together. They were like the one I wore to the prom so
theirs was already done long ago. Only difference was their sleeves
were black lace and top came as a V-shape, so it showed their
cleavage off. Since they both had slender figures, the fabric clung to
their sides and went with their figures.

We all started at the wedding dress and Heather said, "Well let's try
it on. Stacy, go get the full-length mirror downstairs." She ran
down while I dropped the robe I was in. Heather helped me put the
dress on. I really avoided the mirror ever since I had came back
from Vancouver. I didn't want to look in there and see how much
better looking that Brandi girl was or any other girl Nikki was
spotted being with.

There were rumors all over the place about him marring her and her
having their baby. Heather kept me straight about that stuff right
off. Saying don't believe a word they say. Their just bullshitting
you know in your heart what is true and what isn't.'

I still felt I needed to lose weight. So, when Stacy put the full
length mirror down in front of me I freaked. "Oh my god. I look like
a fucking cow. Why didn't you tell me? This is eww."

Heather pulled the back of it which tied and it laced up the front.
I had forgotten that sometimes white makes you look bigger than you
actually are and I designed the dress so I can take off whatever I
had to or add whatever I had to. Stacy laced up the front which was
a corset of some sort. They steep away. "Now take a better look
baby. You're not a cow as a matter of fact look at those love handles
on you. More for Nikki to grab on to."

I stared in the mirror seeing my hair had grown a little and it hung
down to my breast now. It was wavy and a mess. The dress was white
and it looked a bit midevil. A little lace to the sleeves and on the
bottom. It went down to my feet. The top was a little velvet but
smooth. So, if you ever seen a midevil style dress this was it. It's
hard to describe it any other way. I seen my hair color was fading a
bit as well and I now had a small tan.

Not real dark. Heather looked at me with her finger in her mouth. I
realized that since the top laced up it acted as a bra so it pushed
my breast together showing cleavage. "Make over." Heather finally
blurted out waving her hands over me. "You are going for a makeover.

We'll put Storm inday care tomorrow and we are going to make
a girl's day of it."

When they left, I was making dinner I looked at the calendar. It was
December 10. I dropped the spoon and yelled, "Shit." Nichals came
running in the kitchen. "Your dad's birthday is tomorrow. Fuck." I
picked up the phone to call Chris the nanny. Then I called Tommy.