Without you - Nikki Sixx fan fiction

Ch60 When I need you pt1

***********ALL WARNINGS this chapter contains how they get through some rough dark times.

Beth- When the guys went back in the studio things got back to being
on edge. Nikki was trying to stay clean. He even started staying at
a hotel so he could be closer to the studio and so he wouldn't snap
at me or the kids. The days before he started staying at a hotel and
when he came in at two or three am Storm would wake him up at five
or six just so he'd take her to school.

At first, he didn't mind. Then he started getting real moody. He was
under a lot of stress and he felt pulled in several directions. On
September 26, 1991, was the day he broke. It was a normal morning. He was
passed out on the couch the place he mostly crashed at. I was up
making sure the kids and dog were feed. Stormy came in the with a
kitten. "Mommy, look what I found. Can I keep it?"

"We have to ask your dad, but we will ask him later." I wasn't paying
attention to her cause I was cutting onions to use to put in some
eggs Decker wanted. She ran off in the living room with the kitten
and Carlton came in through the doggy door. He ran in the living
room and started barking.

"GOD DAMNED IT STORM. BETH!!" Nikki yelled. I heard Stormy scream
and start crying. "Carlton down. Beth come get your fucking dog." I
came in and grabbed Carlton by the collar. Nikki was holding Stormy.
She was crying in his arms. "Your fucking dog just went ape shit and
almost made our little girl and this kitten lunch meat."

"It's not my fucking dog. I didn't pick him out. You're the one that
got him. I didn't ask for this mutt. So, you want to blame someone
blame yourself. It's what your good at. You, I told you to leave your
father alone."

"Don't you yell at her. She's only three. I don't even know why you
have her in fucking school. If you'd take time out of your busy
schedule..."

"Don't get started on busy schedules Frank. You come in here..."

"SHUT UP. STOP YELLING. I'M TIRED OF THIS FUCKING SHIT." Decker
yelled behind me. Nikki put Stormy down and snapped. He smacked
Decker.

"Don't talk to your mother like that you little shit." He grabbed
Decker by the arm. "Go clean your mouth you. You will not disrespect
anyone in this house. Is that clear?" Nikki's never hit any of the
kids not even a spanking. So, Decker and I were both in shocked.
Stormy sat on the floor sobbing hugging Carlton. "Is that clear boy?"

"Yes sir." Nikki let him go. He stood there shacking. I couldn't move.
I was scared to death to move. Nikki looked at me and stormed out. I
heard him scream and then his motorcycle. Which has a very loud
sound. Decker stood there for a good while and then bolted out of
the house.

I picked up Stormy. "Where's the cat at baby doll?" She pointed to
Nikki's office. I wiped her tears and took her to the
bathroom. "Let's clean you up." So, I cleaned her up.

"Mommy is daddy mad at us?"

"Not really. Daddy's just been working really hard lately."

"Did Nick run away?"

"He might have gone to school."

"Mommy it's Saturday. We don't have school today. How come daddy said
I shouldn't be in school?"

"He's been away so much he doesn't realize how smart you are."

"Can we go see Skylar?"

"Sure." So, I took her to Vince's where I found Decker hiding out
at. "Nick..."

"Just leave me alone." Vince looked at me. I sighed and looked at
Vince.

"Vinnie can we talk now?" We went outside to smoke. "What's going on
at the studio? Why is Nikki so pissed off?"

"I don't know. Maybe he's pissed cause just about everything he's
written is shit. It's not hip. Tommy and Nikki think its hip but it
sounds like shit and I have other things to do."

"Are you still drinking?"

"That's none of your business." So, I left it alone. That evening I sat
on the porch with Decker. I handed him a smoke.

"You know you deserved that. It was uncalled for. You have been
getting away with a lot of shit. Like I know you've been skipping
and smoking with your buddies. You know your dad and I never really
finished school. Not that your dad cared anyway. All he ever cared
about was music. He knew what he wanted and he went for it even if
it meant he had to starve for it. I don't want you to make the same
mistakes we did. You're becoming a man and with that come
responsibility. You get good grades. You have your father's brain
because he's a genius but a mad man."

"I don't care. He's a bastard." I hit him in the arm.

"Don't call him that. Yes, granted he maybe a bastard but he's your
father. He will always be that to you. Did you know his dad doesn't
want anything to do with him? That his father told him he had no son
and that his stepfather would knock him out if he brushed his teeth
wrong? Your dad's been carrying around a lot of anger towards him.
One day it will all come to the surface. Now your dad has been under
a lot of stress and he's on a breakdown. I think a lot of this has
to boil down to how big they got so fast and he doesn't really know
how to act so he's acting the only way he knows how. Now all this
home life is new to him. You have to remember his home is the road.
It's always has been and always will be."

Decker sat there with me smoking. "You going to tell him about me
smoking and skipping?"

"If you stop skipping I won't. Now about your little girlfriend stop
sneaking her into your room."

"How do you know all this?"

"I just know. I was your age once to you know? Are you still..."

"Mom."

"What, are you?"

"Yes, god." The next day I left Nikki alone. He never came home and
that night he called to tell me he was staying at the hotel to try
to collect himself. I told him he needed to find his father and tell
him off, to tell him how he feels and he hung up on me. The day
after that Monday September 28 I got a call from Tommy.

"Hello." I said picking the phone up. I took that day off because I
wasn't feeling good.

"Beth are you ok? You sound sick honey."

"Yeah. I just have a little cold. What's up? I haven't heard from
you since you fell off the drums. How's your head?"

He laughed. "It's fine. You know me. I have a hard head. Um not
trying to be nosey but are you and Nikki having problems?"

"Who isn't?"

"True. Very true. You asked me once to let you know if Nikki's
fallen off the wagon. Well, I just seen him over here at the Rainbow
go out in the alley with this guy that use to be his dealer. It's the
same one that shot him up when he OD. What do you think I should do?"

"You at the Rainbow now?"

"Yeah, I'm in the office so you can hear me?" I started coughing.

"Hold on a sec. Oh shit." I put the phone down and ran to the
bathroom where I got sick. Of course, I didn't mention that a week or
two before Nikki started staying at the hotel, he came in drunk off
his ass. He stumbled into the bedroom, fell on to the bed, grabbed
my legs. I tried to kick him, but it pissed him off and he slapped
me, fractured my arm by slamming it down. I had bruises on my legs
from him holding them down. He put something in my mouth called me
Brandi and did his business. I hid it all well and still had a few
bruises on my legs. The past few days I started getting sick.

I couldn't think of it as him raping me. He did it before, but he was
never as rough as he was there. When a person is on drugs they are
not aware of what they're doing. Nikki could never handle stress but
he's learning how to. I couldn't blame him. Anyone in Hollywood
knows there's little escape from prying eyes and when Dr. Feelgood
reached the top the boys were more in the spotlight then before.
Nikki reminds me of a modern day Jim Morrison.