TW: Self-esteem issues, self-harm, intrusive thoughts, implied non-consensual sex, and depression
Natasha's POV:
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
These past few days, I've felt so... empty. Completely empty. I feel so many things yet nothing at all. I haven't gotten out of bed in days, let alone eaten a meal. I know the rest of the avengers are worried, as each of them have come knocking on my door, but I just yell and tell them to fuck off. Except for Wanda. I can't bring myself to answer to Wanda. I don't want her to see me like this. Not when there is so much wrong with me.
It started the other day. I was eating with my teammates. Clint mentioned Lila was now taking ballet classes and it just triggered me. Memories of the endless hours of dancing in the Red Room came to mind. The feeling of being whipped when I messed up, or how my stomach had nothing in it for days, causing me to be sick which only worsened my hunger. I abruptly got up, saying I didn't feel well, and made my way up to my room and locked the door.
I've been laying on the bathroom floor, curled up in a fetal position for hours now. I'm only covered up by a towel. I had originally come to take a shower, but the minute I stepped out of the water, I collapsed on the ground, and I had no intention of getting up. I'm not sure if I want to do anything anymore. Be here anymore.
It's been so long since I've felt like this. Only Clint knew how bad the thoughts got, but I remembered that he had to head back home a few days ago, but not before he came knocking at my door, telling me that if I needed anything, to call him. I can't bring myself to do it. Not when I don't deserve to be loved.
But there's nothing more I wish for right now than to be in Wanda's arms. Being with her is so comforting. She is my best friend. We had a rough start, but we soon learned that we had a lot more in common than we thought. Ever since then, we have been joined at the hip. It wasn't long until I fell for her. Her and her divine heart, her stunning eyes, her radiant smile, her adorable gaze, her corny jokes, just everything about her. I wish I could tell her, but I keep telling myself, 'She deserves more than someone like me. I'm a monster. No one could ever love me.'
Every day the thoughts get louder, more unbearable. They're screaming at me so loud that my head pounds and my body sweats. I attempt to get up, using all my arm strength, but fall to the ground when a sudden ringing comes through my ears.
'Why am I like this?'
'Why won't this voice go away?'
'Why am I so messed up?'
'Why can't the world just stop for a minute?'
I couldn't breathe, and even though I've felt this before, it was still so miserable. There were too many words clouding my brain, and I have no idea what's real. I knew I was sobbing as my body shook from sadness and exhaustion.
I crawled back into the shower, my towel leaving my body. My body became soaked as I turned on the water in order to feel something, but even the water wasn't enough to ground me. Weakly, I reached upward for my razor, and without thinking about the consequences, I slid the sharp blade across my skin next to the many scars that showed my pain from the past. One cut wasn't enough, so I went deeper. I winced, but I couldn't stop my hand from doing it again, and again, and again. Suddenly, I became dizzy and dropped the razor, and let my body become limp. I felt paralyzed. The blood mixed with the running water, and I was the shark.
"FRIDAY?" I sobbed.
"Yes, Ms. Romanoff?"
"I need Wanda."
