We found us | Book 1

Christmas Eve

Evi:
"Do I really have to come?" I try again, with my mom this time.
"Yes, Evi. You will not stay home alone at Christmas Eve."
"But I don't mind. And Nick isn't coming either."
"Nick will spent the evening at Jessy's house, that's different."

I sigh and turn to my dad for help but before I can say something he throws his hands in the air as a sign that he can't help.
"You know your mom." He silently forms the words with his mouth.

"Come on, I don't wanna be late!"
Great, I think to myself. Spending the night with my ex boyfriend, his brother who I had sex with and probably my ex boyfriends new girlfriend.

We sit down at the table with our neighbours. To my surprise Brenda isn't here, but I can't say that I mind.
Our parents are busy talking but the tension between me, Tom and Bill is palpable.
Even between Tom and Bill it seem a little tense.

After dessert Tom stands up and I look at him questioningly.
"He has a date." Bill says without looking at me and I look at Tom again. He immediately turns his head and walks towards the door. I can't help but feel a little jealous. Who is he going on a date with? And why? I look away, staring at the empty plate in front of me.

"It's to hot in here." I whisper almost inaudible.
I stand up from the table and walk outside, to their garden. I sit down at the little stairs from the terrace.

It's surprisingly warm for this time of the year but I regret not bringing a coat outside since the wind is a little chilly.
I can't remember the last time it snowed around Christmas time, but I remember making a snowman with my dad when I was a kid.

I turn my head when I hear the door closing and see Bill standing on the terrace.
He lights up a cigarette and takes place next to me.
I have spent many hours with him, but I have never seen him smoke before.

It stays quiet for a while. After everything that happened, I dont really know what to say.

"Where is Brenda?" I ask and try to make eye contact with him.
"Home, I guess."
"You guess? You don't know where your girlfriend is?"
He takes a long drag from his cigarette and exhales the smoke slowly.
"You are fighting?"
"Something like that."

I look away and I can't believe I'm actually having this conversation with him, but I'm to curious not to ask. "About what?"
"You really wanna know?" He asks as he looks at me. I notice a change in his face, it's hard to put my finger to it. Even his eyes seem different, the sparkle they once had is gone.

"Yes." I say softly while I keep eye contact with him.
"I messed up."
"How?"
He shrugs his shoulders and takes another drag from his cigarette before he puts it out on the terrace.

"You wanna go for a little walk?" He asks and briefly looks at me before he stands up.
"Right now?" I ask a little surprised.
"Yes, I'll grab your coat." He walks inside and comes back a few seconds later with my coat.
I take my coat from his hands and put it on.
He starts walking and turns around to look at me when I don't follow him. "You coming?"

After a quiet walk we end up in the park I always visited when they were on tour, but it's been a while since I came here.
"I used to come here all the time."
"I didn't know you knew this place." Bill says a little surprised. "I used to come here every day."
"Why did you stop?" I ask him.
"I don't know. I don't have that much free time anymore."

He sits down on the ground and I do the same.
I can feel the cold through my clothes and a shiver runs through my body.
"You know who Tom's date is?" I ask carefully, not sure I wanna know the answer.
"I have no idea."
I stare at the weeping willow in front of me. The wind is gently stroking across its leaves.

Bill:
"You have feelings for Tom." It's not really a question, but more a confirmation.
She sighs deeply. "It doesn't even matter."
"I know he has feeling for you too."
I start playing with the ring on my middle finger, twisting it around.

"You really like that ring, don't you?" She changes the subject.
"I used to love it, now I'm not so sure anymore."
I take it off my finger and start tossing it around in my hand. I keep my eyes on the ring and memories of the day I got it start flashing through my mind.

Brenda was right. I am worse then Tom. He never lied, the girls he has sex with know exactly what it is, just sex.
But what do I do? Lie, keep secrets, break their hearts.. I even lied to Tom, kept secrets from him. When did we stop sharing everything with eachother?

"Why?" Evi pulls me out of my thoughts.
"What?" I look at her confused, not fully understanding what she just said.
"Why don't you love it anymore? The ring."
"To many memories, I guess."
"Where did you buy it?"
"It was a gift."
"From who?"

I shrug my shoulders, having difficulty to say her name in front of her.
"Brenda?"
"How did you know?"
"I had a little talk with Brenda before our fight."
"What did she tell you?"
"The truth, I think."

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asks me when I stay quiet.
"I don't know.. no one knew, not even Tom."
"But why?"
"I guess it was more exciting doing it in secret."
She chuckles. "Like you thought it was exciting that I was a virgin?"

I look away in shame and I close my eyes.
I really made a mess. How will I be able to fix this?
"I'm sorry." I mumble. "I understand why you hate me."
"I could never hate you."

I drop the ring on the ground next to me and look at her. "I missed talking to you."
I grab her hand and gently squeeze it.
I look into her eyes and she gets a soft smile on her face.
"You think we can ever be friends?" She asks me.

"We can never be friends."
She pulls her hand away and her smile fades as she looks away.
I gently put my hand on her cheek and turn it my way, forcing her to look at me.
My eyes wander to her lips and I lean closer to her, making our lips barely touch one another.

"Bill, don't." she whispers as she leans away from me. "You have a girlfriend."
"What if I want you?" I place my hand on her lower back, pulling her closer to me again.
"You broke up with me, remember?"
"What if that was a mistake?"
I close my eyes and softly press a kiss just next to her lips.

Evi:
A shiver runs through my spine as I feel his lips touching my skin.
"Then dump your girlfriend."
"I can't." He gently caresses my cheek.
"I'm not gonna be the girl you cheat with." I say firmly.

"You don't understand, I can't dump Brenda."
"Why not?"
"You have no idea how badly I want you." He says with a hoarse voice.
"Why? I'm not a virgin anymore, not that exciting, right?"

"It was never about you being a virgin. It was about you, I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you."
"That's not what you said when you broke up with me."

"Can you please forget what I said?" His eyes are desperately looking into mine.
"I can forgive, but I can't forget."
"I never meant to hurt you."
"But you did.." I mumble and feel tears burning in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry." He stammers and all I can do is nod softly as I try to push the tears away.
"Can I give you a hug?" He asks and I nod again.
He wraps his arms around me and I hug him back, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck.