Belongs To Him

27 | Sempre e per sempre

Alina Windsor

There were more boxes than I expected. But they looked like nothing in this apartment. I'd begun the process of unpacking while Kingston was at work. It turned into a disaster though.

The bottle of red half drunk on the counter with my glass a never ending refill. It was getting harder to fully move the boxes. But today had been a hard one, actually a terrible one.

I can't recall how many times I've cried. I knew my mascara was smeared down my cheeks. I told Kingston I'd begin unpacking. He offered to have other people do it for me, but I was uncomfortable with people touching my stuff.

I was now unpacking my books for the shelves we'd put in place in the living room. They were so gorgeous, this home this place I made for us. It was gorgeous, it was made for a family.

The thought of it churns my stomach. Then I feel my eyes begin to burn again. So I turn to the stem of my wine glass and take two more swigs. My heart almost can't take it in a way, something I never had before. I now feel sad about.

My hand clutches the shelf as I try and hold myself together. It almost hurts to breathe in a way and I feel entirely alone. Townes wanted to come over and spend the day with me. But I couldn't see her face anymore.

I needed to sit with this reality. It's not a no, it's not a definite but it's overwhelming. It was like Dr.Singh was saying two different things. If I wanted a child I needed to try soon but it also isn't promised that I'd get pregnant. My uterus was hostile and one of my ovaries was premature. My egg count was decreasing each day, it was all so medical.

She said it was also mostly genetic. My mum never expressed any type of struggles in this way. But she doesn't talk about things a lot especially medically. She had five kids though, Mia a bit later but it couldn't have been that way for her.

My hand shakily covers my lips as a sob succumbs me. I've now given up with the books and my ass has met the ground as my body scrunched together. The stem tilts back as the red liquid flows back. I don't taste anything anymore, there is no flavor.

The world around me feels cold and my brain feels low functioning. Almost fried by the amount over thinking and crying I've done the past few hours. Something I wasn't even sure of scared the shit out of me.

"Alina?" His voice takes me by surprise as I look up at him. That same look of concern that Townes gave me is etched across his face this time. I almost can't handle it and so then I just find myself breaking down again, "Oh sweetheart."

He's quick to bend down and pull me into his arms. The shaky empty glass of red with just a drop left is placed on the ground. I'm adjusted to his lap as he holds me. No questions asked, he simply just holds me in his embrace.

"I- I had a really bad day," the words shutter as they leave my mouth. "I don't know what to do," as I removed my head from his shoulder to face him. There isn't an ounce of fear in his face it's almost stoic in a way.

He just seemed ready to listen. I could've killed someone yet here he was all pulled together waiting for me. But as my lips quiver that solemness breaks through from him.

His thumbs press against my cheeks wiping across them as my chest caved. My heart felt like it was slowing down in a way that unsettled me. I didn't know what I was going to do, how to handle it.