Belongs To Him

34 | Christmas with just me

ALINA ROMANO

"Mrs.Romano it's only been a short time. Fertility tests are frustrating at points." The Doctor says as she flipped through her chart leaving me on the edge of my seat filled with nerves.

Dr.Brown was the best fertility specialist known in New York. She'd been working with me since I stopped my birth control. It was official, I was going insane and desperate for something I was uncertain of just months ago.

"I know you weren't expecting to hear you were pregnant on your first check up. This was just to see how you've been feeling since stopping the pill over a month ago." I couldn't believe it had already been a month.

After Thanksgiving I wanted to hide from the world. Kingston didn't allow me to hide from him. However my friends, I was a wreck and I didn't want them to see me like this. A sloth at work, some zombie moving through clients while I can barely breathe. I'm sure they haven't fired me because of my husband.

Townes texted in concern, I claimed life had me swamped. I knew she was half convinced and that she can see through me. Still I knew she would give me that space for now and in a few days the ice would crack with her.

I was a shit friend and wife. I could barely eat a thing and life itself seemed dull. A depression I didn't expect stole over my conscience. Kingston was worried, he'd expressed it.

I will be fine. The words that felt never ending and my new life slogan. My only excitement was that Christmas consisted of just me and Kingston. Something I was in desperate need of, he'd been so busy this past month.

"There hasn't been much. I got my period off the pill still. I haven't had any unusual cramps or pain." She jots down each word I share in understanding. The same words felt on repeat. The words I was expecting to hear at this appointment.

How normal all this was and stress makes things harder. I knew it would probably be years if I was even lucky; that's what Web MD was telling me anyhow. That my chance of getting pregnant wasn't easy and if I got it I could lose it, then there wouldn't be a promise of another.

All the thoughts that paraded around my mind and scared me. I needed a sedative, I already couldn't fully feel things anymore. Kingston was working later and I was in bed crying before he got home at some ungodly hour.

But I'd act like I was sleeping when he'd come in, tired and restless, before he had to return just seven short hours later.

We hadn't spoken of the holidays or our plans. I just knew it hopefully consisted of the two of us alone and maybe some stress relief. We'd have sex, it was the one thing that remained constant. Kingston was insatiable in a way I couldn't explain. It was in those moments in his arms after where I could finally rest.

When he'd ask if I was okay I knew he could see through my lies. When I refused to decorate for Christmas he'd gone out and bought three whole stores of Christmas decorations, once's that felt like home and not some being and silver Christmas. He demanded we decorate the whole house (we did).

It was the bare tree that needed to be decorated. We had gone out and got it two weeks ago. We agreed that tonight on Christmas Eve we'd decorate it. It was a tradition we wanted to start, only ribbon was wrapped around the tree so it didn't look too desolate.

"I have a next step for you. Since your case is more urgent, have you thought about HCG injections. They might help, I've had patients in similar conditions that it's helped them get pregnant?" I had done research into it. I hated needles on all levels, but if it was going to help the process. It was worth it.