I walk up the familiar steps of the front porch.
I keep my hand entangled with Zaydens as a guard opens the door and we enter.
He leads me through the house even though he knows I've memorised every aspect of it.
I shift on my feet as he knocks on the door to his father's office and straighten my posture the minute he opens the door.
It's been a very long time since I've seen Nicolai and an even longer time since I've seen Vasillia.
Zayden squeezes my hand gently before letting go, stepping forward to greet his parents. My throat tightens as I watch Nicolai's expression shift from cold to something warmer as he immediately embraces his son. It's strange.
"Come in, both of you," Nicolai says, his voice deeper than I remembered, but his tone welcoming. Zayden turns back to me, his eyes soft, and I follow him inside.
As Zayden speaks to his father, Vasillia crosses the room, her arms outstretched, and before I know it, I'm wrapped in her embrace. I don't immediately react. I stay still before my arms slowly reach around her and I give her a small hug back.
She pulls back to look at me. Her eyes search mine as if to gauge something valuable.
"It's so great to see you" She tells me her eyes softening
"It's good to see you too" I'm interrupted by Zayden who pulls his mum away and gives me a wink.
Nicolai smiles at me and walks towards his family. I watch them for a minute.
They're so whole, so complete together.
We never had that.
Me and my brother.
The last happy memory I have with both my parents is when we out for dinner for my mother's birthday.
I still remember the day vividly, and the worst part is I cant tell if it's real or not. If my child mind, my 9 year old mind curated a world of her own and only accepted her romanticised view of her parent's relationship.
Of her own relationship with her parents.
Only to kill them.
I can't seem to shake it. I don't even know how long it's been. I keep on having these nightmares.
The same one over and over again.
Where I'm sitting in a room, surrounded by mirrors and all I can see is my mother, all I can see is her face staring back at me and then he appears. His hand slowly making its way across her shoulder as a sinister smile graces his face.
He torments her, even in death. He still torments me. In my dreams.
And then the room starts to fill with water.
It fills with water and I begin to drown.
And I let myself sink into a black abyss.
It's quiet and I feel almost at peace.
I let myself take my final breath, because it will mean that I don't need to wake up to my life.
That all this pain will end, that I don't need to feel guilty anymore.
That my mind will go silence and my heart won't fill so heavy.
Maybe that's selfish of me.
My life isn't that bad, people have it worse. I should be grateful.
I've tried to be optimistic lately, tried to ignore everything.
I never acknowledge my father's death properly.
I never wanted to.
I have so much grief that I refuse to face.
I moved on too quickly, tried to act brave for everyone else.
I hid like a coward, I hid and I ignored the world.
I let Zayden into my life in the middle of everything and I don't regret it at all, I just wish I could be better for him.
I wish I didn't think like this.
It's not that I'm depressed I think. I'm just sad.
I'm allowed to be sad.
To think the other day I was with zayden at the beach bathing in the sun.
It's whenever I come back here that my mind shifts. I hate it.
It's like I have a fucking alter psyche that appears only when I'm back home.
I find myself feeling bad for wanting to let go.
For wanting peace in the form of death.
I've been deaths accomplice for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's time for me to meet it.
But how could I leave Dion, how could I leave zayden.
How could I abandon them both.
I already barely see my brother, but I'm entitled to my own life, no matter how hopeless it is.
"Let's go sit down inside, the office is too formal" Vasillia smiles at me catching my attention and Nicolai follows her out of the room.
Zayden pulls me to his chest and holds my head to him. I feel his chin rest on my head and I move further into him.
I want to drown in him.
I feel his chest move up and down as I hold onto him as if my life depends on it, unwilling to let go and dig my nails into his back lightly.
" your mine" he whispers into my hair and kisses me on the head and I get goosebumps.
" I need to you to be happy, I know it's taking up your mind,but you are alive, you not him, so stop letting him live in your head, just rest" he sighs
" I am happy" I mumble and look up at him
" and it needs to stay that way" I look up into his eyes.
And it hits me that I haven't looked into the abyss of green in so long. Haven't taken in the intensity of his stare in so long.
I love his green eyes.
I love everything about him.
" let's go " I de attach myself from him and grab his hand.
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I really want to finish this book soon. Sorry for the long wait but I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. Xx
Word count: 996
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Broken Constellation
Romance"blood on your hands they say- as though it stops there ; at your wrists, like a glove as though you could do all of this and there couldn't be a part of you that isn't stained or dripping" They say the loveliest angels make the cruelest demons an...
