Power

Alone in the dark

TW: PTSD, panic attack

I was in the kitchen, pouring myself a cup of coffee, my hands shaking for no reason.

Suddenly, HYDRA's sharp metal cuffs tighten around my wrists and I almost dropped the coffee. But there weren't any cuffs, just the sleeves of my hoodie and my blood dripping on the floor, except it wasn't blood, just sweat.

"Just sweat" I told myself. And I suddenly felt cold and I was screaming like I was insane, and they all turned towards me in surprise, fear on their faces. But no, that couldn't be happening, since they were sitting on the couch and I wasn't screaming. My heart was racing, I felt it beat in my neck.

I quickly chugged the cup of coffee and shook my head. No, no, this wasn't real, I had to live in the present.

I dropped the cup to the floor, and the loud bang reminded me of the metal doors, and I squeezed my eyes, the sound still echoing through my mind.

I bit my lip until I tasted the blood.

"Sorry!" I snapped back to reality. My hands still shaking, I tried to hide the panic as I picked up the porcelain pieces off the floor. Funny, they reminded me of my heart, broken in so many pieces, it can't even be glued together and fixed. 

I took a broom and cleaned up the mess, under the Avengers' concerned looks, but I avoided their gaze and started thinking about something nice.

Something nice, let's see...puppies. And kittens. HYDRA'S metal door. No, no, go back to nice. Uh, books. Pizza and cakes. The torture chair. No, stop it! Um...uh...cute little buildings, lined up on a hill...and maybe some little horses running around? There we go. I felt my breath go back to normal.

"Are you ok?" asked Nat.

"I'm fine" I smiled.

                                                                                                 ****

Tomorrow, I had to go back to school. I had to face all of my friends and answer all of their questions, or at least lie to them really well. I wasn't ready to go back to school, but I didn't have a choice. My mom said I had to study for my future. But what did she know? She wouldn't even come here or get me home. I didn't really feel like I had a family anymore. I was just floating around in space, all on my own. All alone in the dark.

"Hey. Do you wanna watch a movie or something?" asked Pietro.

"Uh...sure" I mumbled and sighed for no reason.

"What movie?"

"I don't know, you pick" my voice trembled. My leg was shaking. Pietro noticed, but he didn't say anything.

"Oooh...there's this comedy I always wanted to watch!" he said, gesturing with the remote towards the TV.

"Cool" I replied, trying to sound casual. I dopped next to him, but maintained the distance. The dark was surrounding the back of my eyes, my mind was dark, I was made of dark and floating in the dark. All by myself. 

"Hannah?"

"Hm?"

"I asked if you want popcorn".

"Um...no, I'm good". The thought of food right now made my stomach twist.

Pietro pressed the remote and the movie started. I really struggled to follow it, but eventually gave up. I couldn't focus and just stared at a wall, sort of disappearing from this universe.

I went to my room and sobbed all night in my pillow, my chest rapidly falling, barbed wire tied around my throat. HYDRA kidnapped me again, they were right here in this room. Their eyes were staring at me while I cried in the dark, and I pulled the blanket over my head so I wouldn't see their terrifying faces, their white, blood-thirsty eyes.

I was sweating and I couldn't stop crying. My whole face was red and swollen. Was I dreaming? When I looked down at my hands, they weren't there. They just disappeared. I didn't have hands anymore, yet I could wiggle my fingers. No sound came out of my throat when I tried to scream.

I woke up. My wet shirt was stuck to my skin and my hair was dripping wet. I looked down. My hands were there and I was alone in the room. Nothing was real, except my tears. And the darkness. And the loneliness.