To you, Angelus,
The moment my eyes locked onto yours that day, even through the haze of sedatives, an unexpected spark ignited within me. It's possible that what I felt was frustration, yet you still managed to awaken something deep inside—something that no one else ever could. I never thought I would see the cherry blossom in your presence. The scent of it lingers around me, filling me up as your existence merges with mine.
I shouldn't have felt something like this in the first place. You're the embodiment of sin disguised as salvation. Your sins rescued me from the agony that tormented me. You created a verboten heaven that only you and I can access. The illicit sky that shouldn't exist came into existence to save a broken girl from hell. You may have managed to create a paradise for me, but it didn't permit you to stay longer. Because your hands are tainted enough. Too dirty to be cleaned.
In order for me to face salvation, you have to abandon your own and sin more. Your love may be poisonous, but it's willing to lose your access to redemption just so I can redeem myself.
But Angelus, I don't need any of those things you've done for me. The only one I needed in this damned world was the person who was willing to sin so I could be saved. You.
We went through a lot. I was hurt; you were too. I suffered each kind of hell, and you suffered with me just so you could pull me up from it. I thought you would rise with me, but why did you end up losing your breath in my arms? Did we go through all that just to never hear each other's heartbeats again?
Maybe it was the price of creating a heaven where only you and I could exist. A sky that resonated solely with you and me. You created your own law that defied morality just so we could be with each other.
But at what cost? You died, and I was left all alone. The love we had wasn't enough to keep us alive. Love wasn't meant for us. Love didn't choose us. If we were only good people, loving each other wouldn't be a sin.
I'm tired of living, tired of falling into slumber and waking up without your presence by my side. My eyes are tired of crying every night and in the middle of my sleep. My brain is starting to forget your face, too. I had no choice but to think of you harder, so that you'll be engraved in my mind like a tattoo, but to no avail. Breathing became as hard as swallowing the lump in my throat when I tried to stop crying. Everything I do without you by my side is exhausting.
I can't say that I've never found happiness in living. Those days I had with you were the only moments I found living bearable. You gave me oxygen when it felt like living was suffocating. You gave me strength when my limbs were feeble. You dried every tear I shed. You bind my demons when they are trying to take over me. Life was easier with you. I know you can never read this, but I can't help but write this letter I wanted so badly to reach you.
Angelus, how are you in the lonesome space of the earth? It must be as dark as my days here on the surface without you. The body that used to give me warmth is now cold and probably starting to rot as the worms plagued you. It must be scary, huh? To be buried alone underneath, while the maggots embrace your body.
The life you've given me, I can't call it a life at all. I feel sick every day. I feel sick and scared every time I hear your footsteps in the middle of the night, walking towards me as I feel the cold of midnight caress my numb body. The curtains that you put in our window, I can't bring myself to replace them. I can picture you standing there, looking out the window with your usual black shirt.
As I lie in bed with nothing but my naked body, I feel your warmth trying to comfort me, as if telling me that I am not allowed to show my skin. My skin is starting to numb, and my bones are getting weak. My head is a ticking bomb that might explode at any time. I don't feel anything but the shock of losing you that day.
You call this life? Is sleeping, spacing out, barely eating, and being locked up living? This is not life, Angelus. This is the torment you've given me when you lost your nerves and stopped breathing in my frail arms.
Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
No matter how many times I chanted those words, you didn't listen. You didn't wake up. You stopped your heart from beating. This heart that yearns for you had no choice but to stop, too. You said I should have a long life, but Angelus, I died with you that day. I am nothing but flesh and bones, trying to exist.
You gave me the world and will to live, only to take them away when you left me, completely leaving me in this world with nothing but this love that has no place to go. I don't need this life you made for me. I only need you and nothing else. I can't call it life without you in it.
There's no relief in living the days without you. When I'm awake, I feel like I'm in an endless nightmare; I can't wake up no matter what I do. And every time I close my eyes, I see nothing but darkness. I can't picture your face anymore, but I know your ghost lives in the ruins of my heart. Guarding my heartbeats to make sure I live on.
You freed me from the torment that had haunted me for years, only to imprison me in the agony of your absence. Angelus, you're the most selfish bastard I've ever met. And I wish you were a little bit more selfish to take me with you.
I want to see you again. So please, stop visiting me in my sleep and telling me I'm fine. I am not. I want to escape this cruel world and follow you wherever you are. Let me accompany you in darkness.
The time I spent in this life you gave me is enough. I don't want to do anything with it anymore. This time, I will decide for myself. No matter what they say about you, I don't care. A monster, a murderer, a mad dog, and whatever names they call you. They don't know anything. Even if you're the worst, most cunning, and most evil human being that ever existed, I still want to be with you. I don't condone every crime you committed. But I condemn myself for wanting to be with you.
I love you, and I always will. The heavens and hell might've denied you, but the holy and sinner in me only yearns for you, Angelus.
Tonight I will die and see you again; that way, I can live again.
— Farida

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𝐈𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐒𝐤𝐲 ✓
General Fiction(GRIEGO COUSINS #1) Seven years after his mother's tragic death, Angelus Griego's father, Simon Griego, made a life-changing decision to marry a wealthy businesswoman with a troubled past and a sick child. Angelus, known for his charm, intelligence...