Destined Hearts

Chapter 34

Muhammad's POV

I couldn't get her out of my head. It felt physically impossible to do so now. It was already hard without the image of her naked body beneath me as she stared up at me with those trusting brown eyes. I couldn't get her out of my head.

The moment I had left for my meeting yesterday, I gained some much needed clarity. I was about to do something I would've regretted if Mary hadn't knocked on my door. I didn't want to do all that with Madeenah even though my mind was screaming at me that it was exactly what I wanted.

I had spent the rest of the day working until I was exhausted just to avoid her and not do something I'll regret. I don't want to hurt her and going further with her will especially when my heart can't imagine loving someone again. But when she stood in front of me, wearing barely anything it felt like I couldn't think straight. Her teary and pleading brown eyes trapped me and every thing I was overthinking and repeating in my head all day left me.

All I could think of was how beautiful and innocent she looked. I hated the desperate and hurt look in her eyes. No matter how much I handle things I don't want to hurt her. I care about her. How couldn't I after everything she had done for me? She sacrificed her childhood to become a mother and has been taking it seriously and doing everything to make my house a home for all of us too. She was an amazing person and I knew I didn't deserve her. And she definitely doesn't deserve a broken man like me when she deserves so much more but the thought of her with someone else makes me ache. I know I'm being selfish but I thought this would be easy. I would give her everything she wanted and we would be content, maybe even be friends for the sake of Inayah. But it doesn't seem like that's what she wants, she wants more and I don't know if I can give it to her.

What's more painful is I forgot her. When everything was happening last night I didn't think of her. All I could focus on was the girl lying beneath me, trusting me not to hurt her and to make her feel good. Not once did I think of Maryam last night and the guilt is crushing me.

What if this is just the first step? What if I stop thinking of her altogether? What will happen to her then if I'm not remembering her? When I can't remember the softness of her skin on mine? The feel of her hair in my hands like I felt Madeenah's last night. The sound of her voice which is now being replaced with the softness of Madeenah's. Or how she would rest her head on my shoulder whenever she was tired after work. Who will know and remember all of this if I don't? She'll be truly gone then. I failed her enough times before she died but now even after her death I am failing her. Her daughter already doesn't know her and if I stop thinking of her then she'll be gone.

It's irrational how I'm feeling but I can't stop it. It feels like a betrayal and I know I should regret it. It was a mistake to go there with Madeenah and give her hope but I don't regret it. I don't regret her. I don't think I ever could. But I needed space after that. I couldn't think clearly around her and I had been postponing my trip to Enugu already to spend more time at home. It did give me a perfect escape though.

I know Madeenah read my message, almost immediately after I sent it but she hasn't replied. I don't expect her to. I've basically ran away from her after consummating our marriage. It's a shitty thing for me to do but I need to. I need to know where we go from here.

My phone ringing on the hotel bed snaps me out of my thoughts. I pick it up and see Hussein's name flash across the screen.

"You left?" He asks as soon as I pick.