all the cliches that i laughed at
have come back to haunt me.
such as: i'm crying myself to sleep.
i'm watching reason and urge go to war
turning me into salted earth, poisoned wells, arsoned forests.
i'm scrolling our old photos
like a dying king reading a declaration of siege.
i'm imagining a sudden call:
the riot of prepounce breath that is the gate
which will be stormed by your hello kya haal
like a foregone revolution.
i thought the most heartbreaking thing about me
was my numbness but no:
the most heartbreaking about me is just my heartbreak:
it breaks not just my heart but my image of myself
as a deviant: turns out i'm just another guy
nursing just another heartache
pining for just another warm place
where i didn't have to dream alone.
all the cliches such as:
i'm hovering over the send button
like a vulture circling a stillmoving skeleton:
i can't.
without you.
i should've been stronger.
i should've loved you better.
i want to burn these unsent letters
but i also want the smoke rising out of this
to spell out the same letters in the sky
so that you, as another island of cloud,
can see that i'm burning but not do anything about it.
~ ajay
27/11/2024
