Oh, My, Addison

Chapter 39 - Melanie - I Love You

"Have fun!" It was almost as if I could feel her usual teasing self as she winked at me to leave the equipment building weeks ago.

The memory haunted my mind as I looked down at my empty hands. I sat, hunched over what seemed like some football practice equipment as my head ran through all the memories I had with Addison. From the flirting, to the teasing, to the chasing, to the moment she was mine - and just like how quick the memories filtered through - I sat here empty-handed just as fast.

Was it here in this building that I knew I fell in love with her?

Was it before that?

I clenched my hands together as I glanced at my phone, wondering if she was going to show up. Hell, I knew she was going to show up. It wasn't like Addison to just leave me here even if I deserved to rot.

She just wasn't that type of person. I pressed my fingernails against my skin. That's the difference between Addison and I, she was the kindest and most forgiving person in the entire universe, while I was arguably the worst.

Why didn't I tell her about Haley? About why Lily didn't like me?

Why didn't I tell her anything?

Why didn't I chase after her when she left?

Why?

Before I stumbled into a space of more self-loathing, my eyes snapped up as the door to the building slowly creaked open.

Addison stepped in carefully and closed the door behind her. Her eyes were cast down, while mine took in her appearance. My girl had a slight tint of red in her eyes, and I blew out a small breath knowing it was because of me and my inactions. Today, she wore an oversized hoodie and a pair of running shorts. It made me wonder if she had a game today, and it made me wish that I could walk over there and cuddle all of our worries away.

I stood up, but didn't make a move to come closer. Did she even want me to touch her?

"Addy," I whispered as she set her backpack down on the ground and stayed rooted to where she entered.

"I didn't even debate coming over. As soon as I saw your text, I immediately came over." I felt a tiny spark of hope flit through me, but as soon as I saw her demeanor was still cold, I remained passive. "But halfway here, I felt myself pause, Mel."

Addison sighed and shoved her hands into her hoodie. "It's been days. You had days. I had a few seconds and I came to you without a second thought. Why is it that I feel as though I am your second thought?"

I stepped closer to her but watched as she sidestepped away from me. "Addy, you will never be a second thought to me."

She scrunched her eyebrows together in frustration, "But I was. I always have been. Since the beginning you have never looked my way."

"That's not-" I started but she interrupted me.

"Are you seriously going to lie to me - here, right now of all places?" I watched as she looked up at the ceiling and blinked to contain herself from crying. I ground my teeth together and mentally scolded myself, knowing she was doing so because of me.

She swallowed, "I've replaced all of the instances we met together in my head for these past few days, and I'm sure you have to...Mel, you couldn't even tell that I was the same person at tennis or in class. You never came to me, every memory - I came to you. And here we are now, where I still came to you even though I waited for our roles to be reserved."

Addison shuffled around on her feet before continuing, "I even replayed all the moments where you had the opportunity to talk to me - to really talk to me. Before and after we became serious - why withhold all that information from me? Were you even going to tell me? Or, were you just waiting for me to find out - which I did," she bit her lip, "and come to you to beg for an explanation?"

Tentatively, I took another step towards her. This time she didn't flinch. "Addison, I'm sorry." I paused, attempting to put words together as my mind ran rampant on the truth she was unravelling before me. "I truly am sorry. I love you...but, I don't have an answer." I gulped as I watched her face freeze before me.

"I don't know why I didn't tell you about what happened between me and Haley. I don't know why I didn't bring up why Lily specifically hated me. And, I still have no idea why I didn't give you an explanation after you let - or the days following. I can't give you an explanation, because I don't have one."

"And I'm supposed to just stand here and accept that?" She challenged me, and I broke. I let out another breath and bridged the space between us. I hated myself more as she flinched when my hands trailed along her arms.

"No, - I...You shouldn't. You should not accept less than you deserve, and you deserve everything." I rubbed my hands from her shoulders all the way down to her hands that were still tightly wound in her pockets. Her hands were soft and warm, and I felt it a sin to be able to relish in something so intimate when I was obviously hurting her.

"Mel, then what? Are we supposed to continue on as if none of this - that the past never happened? I thought I would come here to apologies and answers, and you are standing here telling me you can only give me the prior?" She pulled her hands out of her pockets to avoid mine, but didn't push herself away from me.

"I just...I just don't know..." What was wrong with me? Every part of me was screaming to find something to comfort Addison. To tell her why I withheld the information from her, to tell her why I lied about never being with someone serious, and to tell her why I couldn't even come up with a single explanation. Yet, there was only a single truth to it.

The truth was that there was no explanation. It never filtered through my mind. I never thought to bring it up. It's shitty of me to admit, but I was so blind while falling in love for Addison - for changing for her, that I forgot to still give her portions of who I was for her to understand me.

"So, if I continue to be with you...to believe in us, then I need to believe in a world in which you don't do the same thing to me as you did with Haley." Addison said flatly, and I could already feel herself pulling away from me physically and mentally. I held her arms to prevent her warmth from going.

"I would never do that to you." Her head turned away from mine, and I quickly moved my hands to her face. Her dark eyes looked at me with worry and sadness. "I know I keep saying that, and I don't know how I can prove to you that I never. But, I would never do that to you, Addison. I love you."

"I was angry back then. I liked Haley then, and I was bitter that I had to share her with Lily. She wouldn't leave her even though we were seeing each other secretly." I felt Addison try to pull away but instead I moved myself closer. "I sent the video out of spite. It was a mistake that I could not take back. As soon as it spread, I truly did try to apologize to Haley, but before I knew it she moved. I never got closure, and I know I don't deserve closure after doing that - but, that's what happened."

I moved my thumbs along her cheekbones and stopped myself from kissing her. "And, you know the rest of the story from there. After that, I stopped feeling - that was, and fuck, this is going to sound corny...but it wasn't until I met you that I knew that, that wasn't love."

I pressed our foreheads together and stared at Addy, my eyes lingering on hers then to her lips. "You are love, Addison Cruz. I fell so hard for you that I forgot about everything. I could only see you, and unfortunately that meant that I skipped along the past mistakes I made. I should have told you. I promise that I will always tell you everything, because you are my everything. I love you."

I watched as her dark eyes flickered down to my lips as I breathed out in shallow breaths. "I love you too, Melanie," she whispered before moving up on her tiptoes so our lips could graze.

My heart lifted as I embraced her closer to me. I kissed Addy deeply, her lips moving slowly against mine as I tried to convey my love for her through this kiss alone. But suddenly, she pulled away and my eyes went from her lips to the tears shining in her eyes.

"But, I cannot accept less than the love I deserve. It's over, Melanie Canon. I'm sorry."

And as she bent over to pick up her backpack and leave the building, I found myself making the mistake of not chasing after her twice in my life already.