A Better World With You

Chapter 34

Yung pag-amin ko kahapon kay Justine at hindi ko pa rin matiyak kung nasa tama ba akong direksyon. Sinunod ko naman ang gusto ng puso ko pero mukhang hindi pa gaanong natutuwa ang utak ko sa ganitong desisyon. Baka siguro baguhan lang at hindi pa sanay sa ganitong sitwasyon. Sobrang bago ko lang sa ganitong bagay at kinakabahan dahil ang daming tanong. Hindi ko maisa-isa subalit mas hinahangad ko na rin ang maranasan kung ano mang hinaharap nitong pinasukan ko.

Oo, magulo ako. Magulo ang buhay ko. 'Yung tipong hindi ko na rin maintindihan at ngayon ay natatakot ako kung anong magiging tingin sa akin ni Justine kapag nasa ganitong relasyon na kami. I mean hindi pa naman as in totally kami, kumbaga mga nangangapa pa, so siguro nasa trial muna bago sumabak sa premium.

Sa ngayon, nasa bahay ako ngayon ni Justine. Hindi ko siya maaya sa bahay e since dudumugin ako roon kapag nalaman nilang ako ang nag-aya sa lalaking ito. Tsaka kung ano pa ang isipin nila, lalo na sina Julietta at Mama. Nawala na nga lamang ang malalim na pag-iisip ko nang hawakan ni Justine ang kamay kong nakalapag sa lamesa. Kanina pa rin ako nag-iisip ng kahit ano habang nakaupo.

"George...nagsisisi ka ba sa desisyon mo?" Tanong niya sa akin bigla. Sa tingin ko ay nakita niya sa aking mukha ang pag-iisip ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Humingi ako ng malalim at inagaw ang kamay ko sa kanya. Pagkatapos ay tinakpan ang mukha ko gamit ang aking mga palad.

"It's not that. I mean my heart wants it, but my mind's a bit hesitant." I sounded confused while still closing my face with the palm of my two hands.

"George, sa tingin ko ay hindi ka pa talaga handa para sa ganitong relasyon. Gusto mo muna bang umuwi para makapagpahinga ka muna at makapag-isip ng maayos?" He asked and I felt through his tone that he's concerned. But I think that's not going to help. I'm just afraid of something, especially the words he mentioned yesterday.

"Justine..." I softly spoke out his name and he hummed as response.

"I'm just curious. Why are you afraid that you might hurt me?" I asked not closing my face anymore. He was suddenly stunned by my question and yet, he is still able to answer to it...mutteringly.

"You see, there are many things that happened in my past, George. And I'm afraid you will not be able handle every single one of them. There were a lot of mistakes, a lot of regrets, and a lot of miseries. Kaya hinahangad ko rin na kung may mamahalin ka, sana huwag ako. Sana kahit anong gawin kong pang-aakit sa'yo, sana huwag ako."

"I'm in love with you, to the point that I can't stop myself and you are the one that I am relying to save yourself from me. Call me selfish but I am easily tempted to do things that shouldn't be done. So I am asking again. Do you still want to stay with me, George?" He asked again and right now, we're both drowned in each others eyes, staring deeply into his eyes that always tells a story that I can't understand in just a short glimpse.

"Kuya Benj was right. You're a very unpredictable person. A mysterious member, a complicated friend, and a confusing partner. But despite of that, I think I'm more willing to atone myself into a promise that I made. I'm still staying, Justine. I want to understand you more. And perhaps, I'm not regretting the decision I made yesterday. It's just...I'm new to this thing" I said and a small drop of tears suddenly fall from his eyes. It is a first, for once, I never imagined that I'm going to see him cry. His feelings right now are genuine and I can sense even from the beginning that he's not okay.

"You're crying." I said and I'm concerned. I slowly touched his left cheek and wipe away his tears with my thumb.

"And you're a keen observer." He said while gently holding my hand that is touching his left cheek. A smile flashed from his face and with that, my heart feels warm. He's so good with this.