Jaylen Evans

Birthday

Jaylen pov
Birthdays weren't supposed to feel this heavy. Thirteen. I was supposed to be excited, supposed to feel different but all I felt was empty.
It was the first one without them. Mom should've woken me up with a hug. Dad should've made fun of how groggy I looked. They should be here but they weren't and nothing anyone did could change that. I pulled my knees to my chest staring at the closed door of my bedroom. Outside I could hear everyone moving around trying to make today special. I wished they wouldn't. I didn't want balloons. I didn't want cake. I didn't want to sit at a table full of people who weren't them pretending like today wasn't a gaping hole in my chest. A knock came at the door.

Lena: Jaylen? Sweetheart, can you open up?
I stayed quiet.
There was a pause before Stef spoke
Stef: We know today is hard love. But you don't have to go through it alone
Lena: Jaylen please. Just come out for a little while?
I curled in tighter gripping the fabric of my hoodie. My throat burned. When I didn't answer I heard them sigh
Stef: Okay. We're here when you're ready
Footsteps faded down the hall. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Then, more footsteps. Heavier ones. A different knock.
??: Jaylen. Open up kiddo
Jay? I clenched my jaw. Jay had come from Chicago
Jay: I get it. You don't want to talk. You don't want to do anything. But shutting everyone out? That's not gonna help
I stared at the door, my chest tightening
Jaylen: You don't get it. You think you do but you don't.
Jay: Look, man, I know this is your first birthday without them and it sucks. It really, really sucks. But—
Jaylen: But what, Jay? But life goes on? But I have people who care about me?
I jumped out of bed and marched to the door, yanking it open so hard it slammed against the wall. Jay looked taken aback for a second but he didn't back down.
Jay: Yeah. Because it's true
Jaylen: You think this is something I can just move on from? You think showing up with some stupid cake and presents makes it better?
Jay: That's not what I—
Jaylen: You weren't there. You didn't watch them die. You didn't feel what it was like to lose everything in one night. You don't know what it's like to go to bed every night hoping you'll wake up and it'll all be a dream
Jay: You're right. I wasn't there but I do know what it's like to lose people. I know what it's like to be angry and to think that pushing people away will make it hurt less
Jaylen: no you don't because you still had people. You still had Will, you still had people looking out for you. Me? I lost everything. And you— You were supposed to protect them!
Jay's face barely changed but I saw the way his eyes darkened the way his body tensed.
Jay: Jaylen—
Jaylen: They're dead because of you. If you had done your job they'd still be here!
Jay's expression didn't give anything away but the pain in his eyes was unmistakable. For a moment, I wanted to take it back. But I didn't.
Because if I wasn't allowed to be okay, why should he?
Jay: You think I don't blame myself every single day? You think I don't replay that night over and over, trying to figure out what I could've done differently? I failed them, Jaylen. And I will never forgive myself for that
I looked away, my stomach twisting.
Jay: But I also know that if they were here, they wouldn't want this for you. They wouldn't want you locking yourself away, pushing people away and they wouldn't want you blaming me
Jaylen: fuck off Jay. Fuck off back to Chicago
Jay: I'll be downstairs
He turned and walked away. As soon as he was gone, I let the door swing shut and sank to the floor. My chest ached. My head pounded. And for the first time all day, I let myself cry.

"They're dead because of you."

I couldn't take it back. I wasn't even sure I wanted to because if I let go of the anger—if I stopped blaming Jay—then I'd have to face the truth. And the truth was that they were gone and nothing I did would ever bring them back. I curled into myself, pressing my forehead against my knees. My chest was tight and my breathing was uneven but I didn't stop crying. I couldn't. At some point I heard footsteps outside my door again. Softer ones this time. It was Lena. She didn't knock. Didn't say anything. She just sat down on the other side of the door. I wiped my nose on my sleeve but I didn't move. After a few minutes she spoke.
Lena: You know, when Stef and I first took in Callie and Jude, Callie did the same thing.
I stared at the floor, saying nothing.
Lena: She shut herself away, pushed us away. She thought that if she let herself be happy—if she let herself feel safe—it meant forgetting the people she lost. But that's not how love works. You don't have to stop missing them to let people in, Jaylen
Jaylen: I just... It's not fair
Lena. No. It's not
Jaylen: I didn't mean to say that to Jay
Lena: I think you did. But I also think you're hurting so much that you needed someone to blame
Jaylen: He hates me now, doesn't he?
Lena: No. Jay doesn't hate you, sweetheart. He cares about you. That's why this hurt him
Jaylen: I don't know how to fix it
Lena: You start by getting up. By coming out of this room. You don't have to pretend to be okay but you can't do this alone Jaylen. You don't have to
I stayed still for a long time. Then, slowly, I pushed myself off the floor. I hesitated before opening the door. Lena looked up at me, her eyes full of warmth but also sadness. I didn't say anything. But when she held out a hand, I took it.

Jay POV
I didn't know why I was still sitting in the living room. Maybe I was waiting. Maybe I just couldn't bring myself to leave. Kelly sat next to me, his arms crossed. He hadn't said anything since I came downstairs but I could tell he was watching me.
Kelly: You okay?
Jay: no
Kelly nodded like he expected that
Kelly: You know he didn't mean it right?
Jay: Didn't he?
Kelly: He's thirteen Jay and he's in pain. You and I both know what grief does to people
Jay: Yeah. I do
I knew the kid was hurting. I knew he didn't really believe it was my fault. But that didn't stop the words from cutting deep. Because the truth was, part of me had wondered the same thing a million times. What if I had done something differently? What if I had gotten there sooner?
Would they still be alive? A movement by the stairs made me look up. Jaylen stood there, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else. His eyes were red, his shoulders tense.
Kelly: I'm gonna give you guys a minute
He tapped Jaylen's shoulder as he passed, then disappeared into the kitchen. Jaylen stayed at the foot of the stairs, shifting on his feet. He looked unsure like he didn't know if I'd even want to talk to him. I sighed and patted the spot next to me on the couch
Jay: Come sit
He hesitated before walking over sitting stiffly beside me. We sat in silence for a long time.
Jaylen: I didn't mean it
Jay: Yeah you did
Jaylen flinched.
Jay: And that's okay
His eyes snapped to mine, confusion written all over his face.
Jay: You're allowed to be angry Jaylen. You're allowed to be mad at the world. At me. At them for leaving. That's grief
Jaylen: I don't want to be mad at you
Jay: Then don't be
Jaylen: It's not that simple
Jay: I know but no matter how mad you get, I'm not going anywhere. You can scream, you can cry, you can blame me all you want. I'll still be here
Jaylen looked down at his hands
Jaylen: I just... I miss them
Jay: I know, kid. I miss them too
Jaylen sniffled and wiped his face with his sleeve.
Jay: I do blame myself, you know
Jaylen's head snapped up.
Jay: Every single day. I go over it in my head, wondering what I could've done differently. If I could've saved them but blaming myself won't bring them back and blaming me won't make the pain go away for you either
Jaylen pressed his lips together, his whole body trembling. I didn't push him. But after a moment, he let out a shuddering breath and leaned into me. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, holding him close and this time when he cried I didn't let go.