Nadine's Stuck.

TWENTY-ONE

Nadine's POV:

"What's your deal?" Akiko tilts her head, eyes narrowing into mine.

"What?" My voice comes out in something quieter than a whisper, eyes meeting hers but only for a few seconds. I can't bring myself to hold eye contact.

"Lana's asleep, so tell me. What's your deal?" when I don't answer, Akiko continues, "You're just so sad looking all the fucking time, Nadia. It...worries me." She inches closer to me on the bed, moving her head in angles to try and reach me. "Lana says it's just how you are. Like, 'oh that's just Nadine', but...I don't know - are you okay?"

I nod, a faux smile twitches on my mouth as I try to plaster it there, but it refuses. "I'm fine." It's hard to believe that Akiko, of all people, is worried about me. 

Anorexic.

An

nor

ex

ic.

"Pain recognizes pain. I know I'm a raging bitch sometimes, but I don't really mean it...I don't know why I am the way I am." Akiko gives up on trying to meet my gaze, her eyes flickering down to her lap, hands fiddling with the hem of her pajama shirt. "We're both different, ya'know?"

I nod even though I want to shake my head. It's like my I'm locked into doing the right thing. Into agreeing, agreeing, agreeing, because disagreeing is wrong. Disobedient. And I am not disobedient or rude, at least not to these people and they'll never see otherwise. I've created an image for myself, and now I have to play the role. 

Kind, little Nadia. That's how you get people to like you.

What else could I be?

She's not different like me. 

"I saw your wrists..a few days ago," she blurts, causing my breath to hitch. I hold it until I can't anymore, a long exhalation escaping my lips. 

She hesitates for a second. "I won't tell anyone. I...do it too." Her voice is surprisingly soft, a stark contrast to usual snarky tone.

My throat tightens. It's dry and hurts. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Akiko Suzuki is a cutter?

Seeing something in my face, she reaches out, placing a light hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to talk. I know it's not your strong suit, or whatever. I just wanted to say that I'm here for you...I guess...and the shitty stuff I say is just bullshit. But don't tell Elana that, I loved getting her all pissed. It's so cute when she-" She cuts herself off, scrunching her nose, her hand sliding down my arm until it's resting back on her cherry dark bedsheets. "I mean she's gross. Yuck. Fucking Eugh. Anyway, I hate all this sentimental stuff, but talk to me if you need to."

I almost laugh at the thought of talking to her about my problems. Laugh because she would laugh in my face. Laugh because this isn't Akiko, and I must be dreaming. Laugh because I feel guilty.

She saw my wrists, she knows. No one was supposed to know. It was my secret. The one I needed to keep. 

I can only imagine the things she'll feel when she looks at me in my casket at the funeral. Suddenly I want to have wear long-sleeves. Fuck Riley.

I exhale, shaky, the throat finally clears from the sob that was blocking it. I forced myself to swallow that block up. "I will."

She nods, breathing a 'good'. She looks over at Elana sleeping at the edge of Akiko's bed, on her side.  She scans every detail of Elana's face, of the way her earbrows crease together while she dreams.

"You like her," I say as more of a statement than a question. These are the things that teenage girl usual talk about, right?

She shoots me a disgusted look, pretending to wretch and gag. "As if! Shit, that girl never shuts up. Her voice is like...an...untuned guiter trying to play Let It Snow. And I fuckin' hate that song." We both laugh. A real, good laugh. "Plus, she's, like, the straightest girl I've ever met." 

I wipe my nervous, sweaty palms on my pants. Maybe Akiko isn't so bad after all - I feel that instant connection I felt when Cade and I first met now. "Yeah. That's true. I thought you were straight though, too."

"Ugh!" She falls back on her pillow dramatically. "But that's different. Look at me and then look at Lana. You thought I was straight because that's the normative" - she enunciates normative like it's a new word she's learned, which I wouldn't doubt if it was - " I know that Elana is a straight because she's always talking about how hot Tom Holland is. Which, by the way, I don't see the apeal of that guy at fucking all."

"Honestly, me neither."

"And you like guys?"

"What normative thinking you have there. But yes."

. . .

Five days left.

I spent my whole weekend crawled up in my bed. Cade didn't notice because he's been going out a lot more lately. He asks me to go with him, but I always say I have homework. He leaves me, reluctantly.

Cade enters through the front door of our dorm, closing the door and slipping his shoes off after. 

"Okay, Nadz," he stopped calling me Rosewood after I told him to stop during my last idiotic, embarassing time in little space. I have to admit, though, a large part of me misses the way he sounded saying it. "Elana chose a dress out for you. And I got you new shoes."

My brows scrunch together. "Why?"

He sets down two bags from the mall on the edge of my bed. "For Riley's party."

"Oh..." I mumbled before clearing my throat. "No. I mean, no, I'm not going to his party."

Cade's face flashes with disapointment, "Why not?"

"They're not really my scene." I don't want to explain myself. I don't want to come up with another lie. "Plus, I have an English paper to do. An essay...on Dracula."

His eyes fill with skepticism, "I saw you writing that essay a month ago." He circles around the bed and takes a sit on the edge, beside me. His eyes, trickingly kind, latch onto mine. "I want you to go to this party. I'm your senior. I told you, I'm here to help. I'm supposed to help you. I promised the teachers that you'd be better by the time the school year's ended. I always keep my promises."

I bite my lip hard. Cade notices, his hand reaching out to stop me. He hesistates for a moment, but then the pad of his thumb runs over my bottom lip, forcing it out of the together of my top and bottom teeth. "You'll hurt yourself doing that."

I pull my face away. I know what he's trying to do.

Riley's party.

My suicide.

Valentine's Day.

"Fine...I'll go." 

I'll only stop there for a few minutes, at the start. I'll avoid Riley. Avoid guys. Then, leave for the 'bathroom', and come back here. 

Cade nods approvingly. "Good. I'm glad."

I nod back, pulling the bags from the foot of my bed over to me. In the first bag, I drag out a pretty, pink dress. It looks like it'll fall just over my knees. The second bag contains the shoe box. I toss the bags to the side and place the show box in front of me. I open it up to reveal a shiny new pair of light pink converse. The real deal.

"Like 'em?" He asks.

 I nod. "Yeah...yeah, I like them. you can call me Rosewood, if you really want."

. . .

[Oh my god! Can we believe that I've written two chapters and posted them both in such a short amount of time!? LOLLLL! Also, sorry for any grammer or spelling mistakes, it's so late for me right now, and I'm really tired.]

[How did you guys like this chapter? Don't forget to upvote! Love you all, eat well and stay health!!]

Word Count: 1,305!