A single bullet // M.C ✔️

88

Metal scraped against ceramic as I pushed the lettuce leaves around my plate, absently tuning into what Kensie was speaking about before tuning back out.

"Nic? We could have rearranged," she placed her hand over mine to stop the abuse on the plate, making me finally look at her with tired eyes.

"No, it's fine, I need this," I dropped the fork with a small clatter as it bounced off the side of the plate, threading my fingers through the strands of my hair, sighing and closing my eyes.

"Guess it didn't go well?" She whispered, moving my plate back slightly from me, looking at me with sad, sage eyes.

"Nope, definitely not." I sighed, rolling my head back and letting my body slouch in my chair. "He wants nothing to do with me, Kensie. I lost my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. I feel so terrible," I gulped hard, refusing to cry. I had done enough of that when I got back yesterday and last night.

"He'll come around..." I audibly scoffed at that, rolling my eyes at her.

"Yeah, right, you didn't see how he was with me, Kensie." After everything happened, I received a long message from him. He expressed that he believes me and wants me safe, but he can't involve his actual blood family in this. He wants to stay as far away from this life as possible and doesn't want to put them all at risk. He's going to tell Morgan to, so I can't lie to him. A few hours later, he sent another message saying he spoke to Mom, who claimed it's all a lie and that I made it up because I missed the funeral. She said I was never pregnant because I never told her. She accused me of guilting him. Then, he blocked me.

"I don't know what hurts more, the fact he wants nothing to do with me or Mom accuses me of lying about my baby all because I didn't tell her," I shook my head once looking down and tracing the wooden grain on the table "you know, I haven't for weeks had a message from her asking how I am, why there's been no articles posted by me. I bet she doesn't even know I quit."

"There's no way she could know, Nicky. You haven't told her," Kensie rebutted.

"Because she doesn't want to hear from me..." My life had been flipped upside down and left to right, and it isn't what I'm used to. I thought losing Margaret would have made me appreciate my mum a lot more and make journeys to see her, but I was stuck in the mindset that she can also come to me, which is true. She never bothered since I left that house with Kensie and moved here; neither of them have.

"She's your mum, of course, she would have wanted to,"

"If she did, you would have phoned me to make sure I was ready for Dad's funeral. I would have been included in the sorting everything out and actually having a say in it. But instead, I'm just the asshole daughter who couldn't turn up in front of all his friends and our family that flew in or live here."

"But you could have also done the same, Nicky. This is all two-sided." Kensie snapped, placing her own fork down and glaring at me. "You could have asked how she's coping with everything. You know, learn how people's partners feel when people die or get killed, because I bet it isn't a good feeling." She stood up, sliding the chair across the floor, causing a terrible, high-pitched squeak to claw at my ears.

"I have Calum to ask about that. I also lost Margaret."

"Unbelievable, you're unreal, you know that sometimes. So infuriating! That's not the same. How would you feel if I was killed, Nicky? If I got shot by someone's bullet who I care about but asked to do it? How would you feel if you knew the days were clawing and getting closer and closer to potentially happening?"

As I soaked in her words, colour drained from my face. I sighed softly, understanding what she was saying. It's a strange feeling knowing that death could be lurking around the corner for us now. Our lives have drastically changed since being present with the boys, and our whole viewpoint has shifted. At any point, we could be taken off this earth, this planet, and that's a scary thought.

"It wouldn't be the best feeling," I admitted, closing my eyes to avoid seeing her hurt expression. The thought of Michael leaving hits me like a truck every time. Just imagining receiving a message from one of the boys saying he's dead, shot, and bleeding out, knowing that someone will have to leave behind, is unbearable. It's not exactly the same as Mum's emotions and what she'd be dealing with, but she'd be grappling with the unknown and countless unanswered questions.

Why was he killed? What did he do? Did anyone try to save him?

No one will be able to tell her except me, and how do I explain how I know? I'm dating the guy who did it. She would be distraught even more than she already is. Nothing in the world can prepare someone to hear I'm dating their dad's murderer without feeling utter betrayal and hate, even if he isn't my biological dad but someone who dragged me away from my birth parents. Life would have been so different for me if he hadn't, and in ways, I have to be thankful for it. The voice of whether or not to join the gang was my own. I wasn't brought up in it or forced. Michael got the choice because of the kind of parents he has, and Calum followed suit. But that's not always the case. If it had been, would I have been allowed to join? Or would it have been a case of "stay away from it"?

"You okay?" Kensie's tone snapped me from my deep thoughts as I nodded, picking my fork back up off the plate and sticking it back in the lettuce.

"Yeah, just got lost in thought," I confirmed, sighing softly. "I just don't think I can see her, Kens. How can I face her after everything that's happened? I'm not the same girl she brought up and knew months ago. I'm different."

"You're still Nicky." She muttered three words with understanding eyes, "still her daughter."

"Forced daughter..."

"You can't hold that against her, Nicky. It's not fair to beat yourself up over something your dad did. Sharon doesn't want you; she pushed you to the curb. This one wants you and cared for you, even though you aren't hers. Sharon didn't fight for you; she wasn't there for your milestones, like your first day of school or your first heartbreak. Don't push away the family you have because she didn't birth you, Nicky. She's the most real thing you have to a mum, and she at least deserves answers."

"It's not as easy as that, though, Kensie. When did our life get so hard?"

"When you decided to sleep with a leader of the biggest gang in New York." She joked, pushing my shoulder as she's in the same boat. "But I wouldn't have it any other way and I hope you wouldn't either."

"You know what, I don't think I would."

----