Unrealistic Reality

Chapter 30: Unrealistic Reality

It's gotten to the point where I don't know who I am anymore. I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down. I try to be strong, but my walls are faltering.

I feel like I'm going crazy. My mind is the ocean and my thoughts are a tsunami.

I can't sleep,

I can't concentrate,

I can't even think straight.

I

Am

A

Mess.

And everybody knows it.

They don't care about me, they only want to use me for their own profit. But I am sick and tired of wanting to make everyone feel good about themselves, when I am the one who is hurting here. I simply can't do it anymore.

I can't pretend to be happy when I am not.

It may seem like an easy thing to do, to get up in the morning, survive and go back to sleep. But walking around, joking around, with a smile on my face cost me so much energy, I can't find any when I need to be nice.

I just want to be happy.

But I can't. I have this constant feeling of being numb. I know, there are people who have it worse than me, but I still have my own problems.

And they are killing me.

People expect too much from me. They expect me to be the happy and energetic girl, but I am not. I am the shy and quiet girl. I am the one who gets lost in reading a book. Who can listen to music all day and just let her thoughts wonder.

That's the real me.

But no one really knows that side. No one knows my deepest and darkest thoughts. No one knows how I feel, because I don't tell them. I don't show any sad emotions during the day, but the moment I walk into my room, I crash down.

I just lay in bed, thinking about nothing in particular. I just look at the white walls and do nothing. The only way to really express myself is in the things I love to do.

The things as listening to music and relax. Those things give me satisfying feelings and without them, I couldn't survive. They are my boat when I am drowning. They are my net when I am falling.

They are my life.

I can't seem to understand the mind of some people. They think it is easy, I can't complain, because I have food and a house right?

Wrong.

It's so much more than that. It is so much more than being grateful for the things you have. It is the way you feel. The way things you do make you happy or not. The way your heart breaks when you hear people talking about you. The way you feel when people judge you. It's so much more.

I lost my parents in such a short time and I can't bear with it. I am not strong enough. The judgmental eyes of society break me, but I wouldn't show. It's not about what I feel or what I do.

It is all about the way things go.

Life isn't simple. Not now, not ever. There are always obstacles and right now, I have one right in front of me. It's one of the biggest ones I have to overcome, but because I got over the others, I am sure I can do this one.

I am up for a challenge.

But this challenge won't be easy. I don't have the guarantee that it's going to end well, but that's the thing. You never have that guarantee, because you can't look in the future. There is no way you can predict what is happening tomorrow, but I don't want to have it any other way.

Because maybe tomorrow, I am freed from my pain, my sadness. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Maybe tomorrow.

That little spark of hope from tomorrow is the one thing that keeps me going.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be a whole new challenge, with a whole new problem. But I am strong. I can do this.

But I can't.

I don't have the confidence to believe in myself. To do the things I want to do and not give a flying fuck about what other people think. I care too much about those pricks.

And I can't stop myself.

It's in my nature to care. I am a caring person and there is no way someone can change that. Even if I feel shitty, I will always try to help others, because I don't want them to feel shitty. I would act tough and cool, but I am not.

I am just broken, beyond repair. It is too late for me, but not for the others, that's why I help them.

But in the process of doing that, I make myself unhappy. And what's more important than yourself?

Exactly, everything else.

Because I am not a self-centered person. I can surprise you with all the things I do without people knowing them. I am always there for the people who need me and where does it get me?

Nowhere.

I am still alone, sad and depressed, locked up in my room. I have only five real friends but without them, there is no one who cares enough about me to ask me how I really am. Nobody is there for me, but when they need me, I am always there for them.

And that needs to stop.

After this bump, I am sure I am a stronger person. I am going to survive and laugh at the people who laughed at me. I am not going down, I am only going up. The story isn't finished for most people, but I already closed the book.

No one will mess with me anymore.
No one will talk behind my back, because they know what I can do. Everyone will be afraid of me.

And that's what I want.

They can go and fuck themselves, because I don't give a damn anymore.
I slowly stand up from my bed and walk to my window. I look outside to see the darkness fill the world. The same darkness that fills my soul.
I need to be strong. There is no time to be moping around, because I, am going to get them back.

I can't let them go.

Not when they had to take away the happiest things in my life.
My parents.

If I am going down, I'll make sure to drag them with me.

This is my time and no one is going to stop me.

Because I am sick of living in this Unrealistic Reality.

It's time to come out and fight back.

It's now.

Or never.

And I chose it to be now.

Get ready Criminal Minds, you don't know what is coming to you.

It is my time to take a bite of the sweet thing that's called revenge.