Prince on the wrong path? (solby)

CHEPTER 61

again but so tight but warm I could literally feel his emotions through his body making my heart soft I don't know if I'm scared to hurt him again or bc of the guilt but I have to try it for sam I love him so much " how do we do it now should I sleep in my room for now and do everything separate or how do you want to do it" he ask " maybe it's a stupid idea or thought but I would say we maybe should do the Opposite" he looked at me questionable "you mean do anything together" yes also openly and honestly talking about every single thought and I mean every without someone being sad mad or angry then I don't want this happen ever ever again I rather know every thought even if they are very bad or whatever this relationship can only survive if we are very close, brutally honest and open and of course loyal " dosent matter if you tell me my feet stink or I'm to bad in bed or you don't want to go here and there or don't agree with me tell me and the same to the others and I will tell you everything on my mind I don't want anything ever again bottling up and then there is a bomb who went off "are you sure people should tell people anything that will probably cause more fights" okay maybe not everything you don't have to tell people there ugly or where to loud or something like that but important things definitely " I said looking at him" now please tell me what you want to do now with us and our life and what you don't want and please honest and straight forward " okay I want to stay your husband but I don't want to be king or get a king if that's not possible that only you can then I guess we - we have to make the wedding return he said his lip quivering" I will talk to my father if that is possible or not butttttt like I always to you but seemingly never believed is that I won't do it if you don't want to I always meant what I said I don't need prince king castle stuff I don't know why you dident believed it and just told me what you want and not but it doesn't matter now anymore bc if we wanne go forward there is no look back that won't help"but if that's okay I would go back to my room to try and sleep a bit " he said" you can sleep here if you want to " I said looking at him"really "makinge nod go lay down I lock the door I said standing up locking the door and to the window pulling the curtains close I walked to my side of the bed going under the cover seeing sam on his back looking uncomfortable or tens I can't tell I took his hand what laid besides his Body in mine running my thumb over his hand feeling his whole body soften he turned to the side his eyes close I continued until he fell asleep while I looked at him the whole time feeling only guilt over guilt I slowly laid his hand down taking it out of mine standing up slowly and quietly walking out the door closing it softly walking down stairs on tip toes seeing the guards sleeping again I just walked to the kitchen closing the door quitly walking in the back room to find any drink seeing whisky in the way back taking the bottle sitting down I open the bottle taking a sip and damn that was way stronger then wine Jesus my head full with all the things sam said and he is right with 99% of what he told me but I look at him feeling guilty I talk to him feeling it I can't even look in his eyes it's eating me and I don't know what to do of course I want him also need him and a reason I married him but I can't do anything besides feeling so guilty and like the biggest scum he might forgive me but I can't I took a sec sip feeling the whisky quicker that's for sure when all of the sudden the door opened "colby what are you doing here" he looked at me then the bottle "colby please stop before this will get a problem please you can't drink your feelings away just tell them to me or we will get the doctor to help you" he said taking the bottle sitting down on my lap hugging me feeling so horrible that he is the one who should be hurt but is still there for me "like I told you the guilt in my entire body has taken over everything I feel like a monster" but you are not colby please let me help you, you always said I'm the one who can right " I nodded" yeah but you should hate me and I should fight for you " i said" but I don't colby I told you I was mad and shocked yes but after I talked with many people who showed me mine and your standpoint I understand you not the slap but to be that shocked and angry I told you many times now I would have probably slapped you 10 and you are not a monster everyone in 2000 miles would say that you are so kind, loving, caring, sweet, cute, empathic, protective I always felt save with you, amd you are always fair you are funny and everyone loves you, yes you made a mistake nobody should ever do but in this situation you probably just lost your mind, I mean I heard you searched for me immediately yelled at everyone and searched for 12h or something just bc you wanted me save does that sound like a monster to you, I was one when you found me I still feel horrible how I was to you "sam please don't say that you are not of course you reacted like that I literally slapped you you understand that" I said feeling my heart burn again he just pulled me in his arms hugging me so tight "I need you colby please don't leave me please I can't lose more people I love pleaseeeee" he started to sob in my neck hugging me tighter "I'm so scared please don't leave me all alone colby please if there is any love for me please he said placing his hand over my heart" feeling protectiveness again for the first time " shhhhhh it's okay I won't I promise, as long as your here I won't" I whispered feeling my shirt getting wet "please colby I'm serious I can't lose someone else please please" he said his voice sounding so heart broken making my heart sink "Sammy hey I won't okay I won't I just really need help I see that myself but I won't leave you" I'm scared colby I'm scared " shhhhh breath slow sammy listen just to my heartbeat holding his head on my chest holding him just as tight feeling my whole Body hurt from how scared he is I could never leave him what was I thinking yes I feel so disgusting but I can't leave sam I'm the only one he has and I'm his husband for God sake you want to go back upstairs " he nodded in my neck" you want to stay like this " he nodded again making me smile a little" okay then let's go " wait" he said taking 2 bananas and an apple laying there "okay now" he said so I walked out and closed the door walking softly up the stairs and to our room closing and locking the door sitting down on the bed with my back against it and him on my lap he leaned off, of me looking at me still so hard for me to look at him "can we please eat something together it's probably easier yeah" he said his voice so soft "I want to show him I wanne get better so I nodded seeing his eyes lid up a bit I took the apple bc I like them more while sam took a banana just eating together it felt so calm for some reason we both finished placing the rest on the night stand he lays back down on my chest his arms around my torso I scooped down a bit that my head is on the pillow pulling the blanket over us just enjoying his warmth "I love you colby" he whispered making me holing him as tight as I could kissing his head my heart beating a bit faster "colby it's okay if you can't say it I'm sure you do right" I slowly nod "say it when you can or want but I hope it's okay if I say it" making me nod quicker pulling him closer if possible "can I please stay like this" of course Sammy just let me take of my shirt okay or I'm way to hot " he leaned up a little for me to take mine off he immediately laid back down I wrapped mine back around him 1 is in his hair the other on his back just holding him to make him feel save my main job is to make and keep him save, protect and love him and I will  "good night colby" good night Sammy "I whispered kissing his head I was just holding him looking out the window