Catching Feelings

8

I can't stop pacing the floors. I know I'll never sleep the rest of the night. What the hell happened? Was I dreaming? Did we really kiss?
This is bad very, very bad, but I wanted it more than anything. I jump in the shower to try and clear my thoughts . I stand there for an extremely long time letting the water wash over me, as if I'm trying to wash away my thoughts...my wants...but it doesn't work. How could I let something like this happen? It's insanely unprofessional. Maybe he will forget...maybe I'm making this a way bigger deal than what it is. So I had a dream and we kissed while I was half asleep. No-one will ever know and if I go back to maintaining a more professional relationship rather than the close friendship that we've had going on then everything will be just fine. I feel a little bit better but am still dreading the day ahead of me.

***

I'm still laying on the bed staring at the ceiling when the sun begins to creep into the room, but I'm no closer to understanding what happened between us than I was when she left.
"What's happening here?" I wonder aloud to the empty room.
I try to piece it all together, her dream...whispering my name, the kiss that was too real to be wishful thinking. The only conclusion I can come to is that she wants this as much as I do. But, that doesn't seem possible, and I feel like I'm trying to convince myself more than I'm trying to figure things out.
I stand up, adjust my sweats and head towards the door, I've got to talk to her...we can't leave it like this. My hand is on the doorknob, but I make no move to turn it...the reality is that she's going to tell me something I don't want to hear, if she even opens the door at all. I'd be much happier if I just stayed in my room pretending that Bobbi feels the same way I do for just a little longer.
But I know I can't do that, so I take a deep breath and pull the door open. I pad down the hallway in my bare feet, nervously raking my fingers through my hair...when I reach her hotel room door I draw in another deep breath and knock lightly. When a minute or two has passed, I knock again, I don't know how I know, but she's standing behind the door...I can feel that she's close to me somehow even though a heavy door separates us.
"B..." I call just loud enough for her to hear "It's me...would you open the door?"
I'm greeted with silence so I ask again "I just want to talk to you for a minute...let me in...please?"
The lock clicks and then she slowly opens the door a crack and peeks out "Sorry, I was sleeping...everything okay?"
She wasn't sleeping, I can tell... but I don't point it out "Can I come in for a few?" I ask hopefully.
A pained look crosses her face for just a second or two before she erases it with a look of indifference "Now's not a good time...I was sleeping..." she repeats her lie and then adds "Maybe later okay?"
I shake my head "I just need a couple minutes...come on Bobbi girl." It's harder than I thought it would be to endure the formal way she's addressing me. Almost as if I'm a boss she has to be nice to because he signs her paycheck. That is the situation exactly, I realize suddenly. Does she really think of us that way? Does she only play along with the friend thing because she needs to keep her job? I push the thought away, not because I'm sure that's not what it is, but because it hurts too much to think it could be true.
"Later Justin..." She repeats a little more firmly.
"It's important." I tell her, unwilling to go back to my room without discussing things.
She shuts the door quietly, releases the chain lock and the reluctantly holds it open for me.
When the door is safely closed behind us I turn to her "What's going on B?"
She walks passed me without so much as a glance in my direction "What do you mean 'what's going on'?"
"You know what I mean..." I argue gently.
She pretends she's confused "No Justin, I really don't..."
I point in the direction of my room "What happened in that room happened, and I want to talk about it."
"Listen," she sighs "I said I was sorry for falling asleep...it was unprofessional and it won't happen again."
"No, not that, we kissed B..." I remind her, though I know damn well she hasn't forgotten "And if you're going to stand here and act like you didn't feel it too...how right it was...then I'm going to stand here and call you a shitty liar, because I can see it in your eyes. So go ahead...lie to me."
She looks stunned but launches right back into her little act "What? I don't know what you're talking about!"
I stand my ground "Awesome...that was almost believable, now tell me another."
A forced 'I can't believe this' laugh burst from her "Seriously Justin...you must've been dreaming, and that makes sense because I was right there, but like I said...it won't happen again."
"Well, maybe that's true," I give her a little smile "You know all about dreams, don't you?"
Her eyes widen with surprise "What?" she asks in a soft unsure tone.
I make no effort to respond and let my words sink in while our eyes remain locked.
She snaps from her frozen state and sweeps her hand towards the door while heading over to it "You've got to go now...I have a million things to do today and I want to catch another hour or two of sleep."
I catch up to her in two quick strides and place my hand flat against the door...stopping her from pulling it open "Don't..." I beg in a whisper "Talk to me..."
She turns to me "Justin...there's nothing to talk about...nothing happened."
I close in on her carefully and gently press her against the door. "Do you really want me to leave?" I ask softly as my thumb brushes over her lips.
She nods.
"Then say it..." the words catch in my throat "tell me you don't feel what we are, what we could be...and I'll go."
"I don't..." she sounds so sure of herself, and it breaks my heart.
"Okay..." I nod and move away from her.
She holds the door open with her eyes cast downward, avoiding my gaze.
I start into the hall, reaching out to touch her hair, stroking a thick lock... "Well I feel it, and you can't change that, no matter how hard you try."
I step into the hall and turn to face her, but she is already softly closing the door.