Catching Feelings

46

"You going out tonight?" Dustin asks while poking his head out of the elevator to make sure the hallway leading to my suite is clear.
He steps back, a silent cue that all is well and I can step out. I give him a look "No, somehow I doubt B's gonna be up for any clubs tonight."
His face becomes tense with embarrassment "Right, yeah...I wasn't thinking. Sorry."
"Its cool..." I assure him while knocking his bottle of water out of his hands.
He bends to pick it up with a shake of his head and a laugh "You're a dick, you know that?"
I nod and laugh with him "So they say. You're not gonna sue me over that are you?" I joke, referring to Moshe's bullshit.
"Nope...I kind of like not acting like a complete douche...too bad everyone else seems to think that's the way to go."
I start down the hall calling "You're still a complete douche." Over my shoulder.
"Back atcha!" He yells back "See you in the morning...call if you need anything before then."
He waits until I'm standing in front of my door and then retreats back into the elevator to ride to the floor beneath me where his room is.
I slide my key card in and hurry inside, eager to get back to her...I've done nothing but worry since I left, though everyone promised it didn't affect my performance, but through every word of every song and each step of choreography, my mind was focused on her, wondering how she was, mad at myself for leaving her there even though I know I had to.
I head into the living area to find it empty. I had expected her to be up watching tv or going over something work related on her laptop, simply because she knows she needs to rest, but is stubborn as all hell and enjoys doing the exact opposite of what anyone tells her to do.
I smile, pleased that she's done as she's been told for once, and head back to the master bedroom quietly so that I don't wake her if she's sleeping...and she must be because the hotel room is eerily quiet.
I stop in my tracks the moment my eyes land on the empty bed...and then I swing my eyes in the direction of the bathroom "B?" I ask stupidly. The door is wide open and its completely dark inside...she's not in there...but I check anyway, flipping the light on and pulling the shower curtain back like an idiot.
"Dammit Bobbi...if you went out..." I mutter out loud.
I pull my phone out to call her, but notice the note lying in wait on the pillow before I can even pull her up in my contacts.
I stand completely still and stare at it because I know...I already know. I knew the second I saw it.
I lower my head with a groan that hurts my tightening throat and then whisper "Don't do this B..." as though she can hear me, and I can stop her.
I finally will myself to move towards the bed and pick it up. I'm greeted with her familiar, beautiful script...and as I read the words, I can hear her voice as clearly in my head as I'd hear them if she were standing right beside me speaking.
I read it three times, hoping that somehow the words she's written will change...but of course they don't. My eyes sweep around the empty room as the gears in my head turn frantically...I can't let her go. I grab my phone off the bed where I left it to pick up the note and hurry to dial her number. Getting her voicemail 4 times before finally leaving a message "B...it's me. Call me back, tell me where you are so I can come get you. Please don't go baby...just..." I can't seem to collect my thoughts enough to form an actual sentence "Just please don't go...call me back."
Without bothering to wait for her to return phone call that might never come I dial Kenny. Dustin had said for me to call if I needed anything but I want Kenny...I'll always choose him when it's something this serious...he's never let me down, and he loves B just as much as I do, she's family in his book.
"I need to get to the airport..." I inform him urgently in lieu of hello.
He's confused of course, and I can also hear alarm in his tone when he asks "What? Why?"
"Bobbi...she left. Says she's going home..." I don't elaborate because there's no time for that "I need to get to the airport, and I need you to check departure flights on the way. Be ready in 2."
"When did she leave?"
"I don't know!" I snap. I don't want to answer questions, I just want to get to her.
"How do you even know she's there kid?" he asks, pointing out "Her flights probably gone already...just wait until morning and then we'll sort it out."
"No. She's still here...I'd feel it if she was that far away from me."
"What?" he sounds like he thinks I'm insane.
"I can't explain it...but I'd know. I'm telling you, she's still here...but I don't know for how long."
He's quiet for a half a second and then agrees, trusting me like I knew he would "Alright, meet you in 2."
Kenny scrolls through departures as I make the drive to Heathrow airport, speeding and taking chances I shouldn't. I want to cry, my throat aches and burns with unshed tears but I can't right now, I'm too determined and it would get in the way...but the rain is pouring down in sheets against the windshield.
"The sky is crying for me..." I say to myself under my breath, because that's how I feel...the pain is so real that I can't imagine I'm the only one who feels it.
"What did you say?" He asks, thinking I was talking to him.
"Nothing..."
"Okay...There's a flight to Pittsburgh that was scheduled to depart a while ago...but it's been delayed."
"That's it!" I nod "She's from Pennsylvania."
I see him turn to look at me out of the corner of my eye "Oh is she really?" He asks sarcastically "I was just telling you about the flight that's headed there for fun."
"Shut up." I reply flatly.
He lays his phone down on his thigh "You're a pain in the ass when it comes to her."
"Yeah, because it's always something Ken...every time."
"I know..." he agrees "But I see the way you look at her, and I see the way she looks at you...and you're 18 kid! 18! Do you know how fucking lucky you are to have found her already? So take the shit and be happy."
I'm silent for a minute, Kenny is most often a man of few words when it comes to advice unless you ask him directly, but when he volunteers, I've found it's best to listen. "Yeah..." I agree "I'd rather suffer my heart breaking constantly with her than laugh with anyone else."
"And there you go." He says, resting his case with a bob of his head.
Security stops us right away when we try to make our way back to the gates, a slight guard of maybe twenty five informs us that we need a ticket to pass through in a thick cockney accent.
Kenny is on it before I can even turn to ask him...pulling the flight information up on his phone once again to find the gate so that we can purchase tickets to a flight boarding from a gate close to hers. "Wait here..." he instructs as we step out of the check point line "I'll grab you a ticket..." he pulls out his wallet which contains the credit card used to arrange things for me even though he's nowhere near the ticket counter.
"Get one for you too...I might need your help to find her."
He nods his understanding and hurries off. Less than ten minutes later we're through security and half running in the direction of where she should be waiting.
I spot her first...my chest tightening and relaxing all at once somehow when I see her sitting alone in a long row of seats, holding her phone but staring off, lost in thought "There..." I point Kenny in her direction.
She's so wrapped up in thought that she doesn't notice us until we're nearly standing in front of her. Her eyes dart around nervously like she wants to run as I drop to my knees in front of her to catch my breath.
"Justin...what are you..."
I cut her off "B...what are you doing baby girl? Come on..." I hold out my hand, expecting her to take it and come back with me without question, but she just eyes it...willing herself not to.
"Justin...why did you come here?" She finally asks quietly.
I offer a tiny smile "I came to take you home...I told you once, I'll always come and find you and bring you back where you belong."
Her voice is small and shaking when she replies "I told you in my letter...this is best for now."
"You and I being apart is never best..." I argue as I lay my head in her lap, oblivious to the fact that the airport is bustling even as late as it is.
"Justin..."
"No B...listen, you can't go...you know that. I can't be that far away from you...I feel like I can't breathe without you...you're my girl baby...I need you...and you need me. We'll figure this out."
She shakes her head "I've already figured it out J...I can't do this anymore...we're tearing each other apart. I love you but..."
I don't allow her to finish "Well you know what? I don't know if I love you."
Her eyes finally meet mine "What?"
"It's something more than love with you..." I explain "You can get over love eventually. You can move on and live life and forget, or at least forget a little...you can live without it. But you? I wouldn't survive losing you B...don't go."
Her eyes soften and cloud with tears "I can't Justin...I don't even know who I am anymore."
I reach up and stroke her face with my thumb as Kenny waits at a respectful distance "Okay..." I concede "That's fine baby girl...I'll help find you."
She pulls away gently "No...you can't help...when its us, its just us...no me, no you...I have to figure this out."
The tears that have been threatening all night begin to fall when a voice announces over the pa system that her flight will begin boarding shortly. She starts to rise to her feet but I stop her "Don't go B...please don't leave."
She looks me over and cups my cheek with her hand "Please don't cry J..."
It only makes me cry harder "Please baby..."
She sits impossibly still for a minute and then releases a deep sigh that catches in her throat "I'll stay...I can't bear seeing you this way, but we're not..." she falters for a second.
I search her face "We're not what?"
"We're not us anymore okay? I can't do it anymore...I just can't..." she clarifies.
"But you'll come back with me?" I ask hopefully...not believing for a second that she's serious about us not being together anymore.
She nods and I rise to grab her carry on bag with the smallest sigh of relief as I nod in Kenny's direction that we're ready...but when I reach for her hand she only allows me to touch her for a second before pulling away, pretending to tuck her hair behind her ear, and I'm no longer so sure of myself.