Catching Feelings

45

I'm pacing just outside huge metal double doors at the end of a hall in the emergency room. Doors they refused to let me pass through...an older nurse with gentle, calming eyes barring me from following, assuring me that she was in good hands and they would keep me updated.
I run a shaking hand through my hair and turn to Kenny and Fredo who are sitting silently somber beside each other in uncomfortable looking metal chairs "Why haven't they told us anything? What's taking so long?"
"I don't know kid...just relax." He stands and points to his chair "Here, have a seat."
"This is my fault, you were right Fredo...I didn't keep her safe, I let this happen to her...It's my fault."
He sighs with regret "No its not...I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, I don't deserve it...why didn't I listen to you?" I shake my head and peer through the little windows in the door for the hundredth time even though I already know all I will be able to see is an empty hallway.
Leaning back against the wall for support, I cradle my head in my hands and allow the tears to fall again...its surprising that I have any left. Flashes of the night race through my head, B laughing at the club...telling me she loved me. Making fun of me when I asked about her lip gloss, that horrible instant when she hit the floor...and even worse when she wouldn't wake up. The arrival of the ambulance and the paramedics that had to pry her out of my arms, I couldn't let her go even though I wanted them to help her more than anything. "We need to get her on the gurney..." the younger of the two had reminded me.
"I'll do it..." I'd argued through panicked sobs "Let me, I take care of her...that's what I do...just let me take care of her!"
It had been Fredo who'd finally gotten through to me "Justin, you're taking care of her by letting them help her...let them help her."
They had only allowed me to ride along with her in the ambulance once I'd agreed to stay out of the way. True to my word I had sat back, watching in horror while they rushed to place an iv in the back of her hand and shouted numbers and instructions that made no sense to me back and forth while a third carried us to the hospital with Kenny and Fredo trailing close behind us on in one of the SUV's.
Suddenly a girl too young to be a nurse, probably a nurse's aide, strolls through the doors I have been locked on the other side of. I expect her to deliver news, but she walks right past us, apparently not involved with our situation at all.
I watch as the doors slowly begin to close and then instinctively slip through them before Fredo or Kenny can stop me. It's been too long, I need to know what's happening. I need to know if she's going to be alright, because the scenarios in my head have got to be worse than what they are in reality. Please God, let them be worse than what is actually happened to her.
I poke my head into three empty rooms and one containing a sleeping elderly man before I finally stumble upon hers just as a doctor is exiting.
I strain to see around him before the door closes but see nothing but a wall "What's happening? Is she okay?" I ask urgently, tears still streaming down my cheeks.
"Someone will be out to let you know shortly..." He says firmly with a frown of annoyance due to my blatant disregard for the rules "You need to return to the waiting area."
"No!" I snap so loudly he takes a step back "No I will not! You tell me what's happening..." I try to step around him but he moves with me, blocking my path "I want to see her..." I point at the door "That's my fucking life in there and I want to see her right now...Now!"
He isn't fazed "It shouldn't be much longer until someone can give you some answers...in the waiting area." He stresses the last few words, ordering me out.
I'm terrified. Why won't he just tell me? That can't be good...the need to know escalates to new heights so I play the card I almost never do "Do you know who I am? Do you? Do you know who the fuck I am? I'll have your job, now let me see my fucking girl!"
"Yes." He begins without hesitation "I'm aware of who you are. However, that is neither here nor there...its policy."
I refuse to give up and take a calming breath "Listen, let me see her...just for a second, and I'll donate a sizable amount of money to this facility. Name your price."
He stands his ground "Return to the waiting area or I will have security remove you from the premises completely."
The threat shocks me into silence and seconds later I'm retreating down the hall, unwilling to call his bluff and risk being any further away from her than I already am.
Fredo and Kenny's heads snap up expectantly when I come through the doors but I just shake my head "I don't know anything more than we knew five minutes ago."
Twenty minutes later the Doctor emerges to find me slumped down against the wall, staring into space as seemingly never ending tears continue to fall.
I jump to my feet, as do Kenny and Fredo "Well?" I press as if I've been waiting days "What's happening? Is she alright?"
Kenny places a hand on my shoulder "Justin..." he orders softly "let go of him."
My eyes drop to my hand, which is clutching his stark white lab coat desperately. I release him instantly.
He waits a beat with an irritated look on his face, then finally begins to explain "She's going to be fine. We treated her with activated charcoal, causing her to vomit any alcohol and undigested substances that may have been lingering in her stomach...then administered Narcan."
"What's that?" I interrupt.
"It will lessen the effects of the Percocets and make it a little easier for her body to tolerate them. As for the MMDA, not much we do but wait..."
I'm confused "What's MMDA?"
He raises his eyes from the chart he's is flipping through and holds my stare.
Realization hits "Oh..." I whisper sadly, knowing he's talking about the mollys and hating myself for introducing them to her.
"She's awake, but exhausted and groggy...its probably best for you to go home and come back in a few hours...she needs rest more than anything at this point."
"I'm not going anywhere!" I snap "She rests better with me there. Don't tell me what's best for her...you don't even know her. Who the fuck do you think you are?"
"I think I'm the person who just saved the life of someone you obviously care very much for." He replies coolly.
I pause for a moment "You're right...I'm sorry. Thank you...but I need to see her right now. She needs me."
Finally he concedes "Alright, but I'll allow only one of you in the room. Decide amongst yourself who that person will be. Just buzz the door when you're ready."
He strides quickly away and Kenny pulls me into a hug with a reassuring pat on the back "See? She's going to be fine. Fredo agrees and they leave me with instructions to keep them posted because there is clearly no confusion as to which of us will be staying.
I press the button frantically, wait the few seconds it takes for some unseen person to buzz me through, and then hurry back to her room.
She looks so small and fragile, curled up in the hospital bed. Her eyes are closed and I think she's sleeping until she drags them open slowly.
I begin to cry again as I rush over to her "I was so afraid..." I press my forehead to hers gently "I thought I was going to lose you. I'm so sorry B...I'm so fucking sorry...I love you so much baby girl."
There are traces of the black charcoal to the right of her mouth so I move to the sink and dampen a paper towel, returning to wipe the smudge away from her beautiful lips as she struggles to keep her eyes open.
"Go to sleep baby..." I whisper while stroking her hair to calm her "I'll be right here when you wake up."