Catching Feelings

26

I have no idea how long I've been staring down at my phone when I suddenly snap out of it and pull the bathroom door open. I make my way quickly back into the bedroom and nudge her without bothering to turn on the light.
She stirs a little but doesn't wake, so I nudge her again "Bobbi. Get up."
She rolls away and complains in a sleep filled whisper "No..."
"Yes." I snap back, careful to keep the volume of my voice quiet "Get up...we need to talk."
"Jesus Justin, would you shut up?" She complains "We'll talk in the morning."
"No!" I raise my voice a notch "We'll talk right now. Now get up."
"Fine! What is so damn important?" She pulls herself into a sitting position, roughly rearranging the blankets to prove how annoyed she is.
"Where were you?"
"What?" she reaches over and clicks the lamp on "I was right here, sleeping...until you woke me up like a jerk."
I shake my head "No. When you left...where were you?"
She squints up at me as her eyes adjust to the light "What are you talking about? I went to my dad's birthday party Justin...you know that."
"What was the name of that restaurant you took him too?" I challenge.
"Why are you being like this?" She asks, beginning to look nervous.
"What was the name?" I demand a little louder than I intended.
"I can't remember right now Justin..." she sighs "I'm half asleep."
"You can remember because..." I stop and lower my voice and then begin again "You can't remember because you're lying!"
Shock registers momentarily on her face, but it gone in an instant "I am not lying! What is your problem?"
"I talked to your dad Bobbi...you weren't there."
"You what?" She gasps with a mix of fear and irritation "You talked to my dad? Why would you do that?"
"You were in the shower, he called, I answered. You weren't there...tell me where you went." I silently pray that she'll tell me where she's been and I'll be way off base, because nothing could hurt worse than this.
She drops her eyes and answers softly "I just needed to get away for a few days by myself, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
"Who called you earlier?"
"My mom..." she answers in a whisper, sticking to her story.
I drop my phone into her lap with its screen still glowing brightly, displaying the website.
She picks it up and stares silently down at it for a long while until I finally speak to her gently "Tell me where you were."
Her eyes finally raise to mine "Tell me you were anywhere but there B."
She holds my gaze but remains silent as her eyes begin to fill with tears.
Its all the answer I need and I instantly fall apart...sinking to my knees beside the bed and laying my head in her lap "Why would you do that?" I ask in a voice choked with tears "Tell me what's going on...I don't understand...why didn't you say anything?" My shoulders shake with violent sobs that I make no attempt to stop and I can barely speak.
"Justin..." she whispers so softly I barely hear her "Please don't cry."
"But why? How could you do that?" I ask again, wrapping my arm around her legs to hold on to her, because I feel certain that if I don't hold onto something right now I'll break into pieces.
"I had my reasons..." is all she can offer by way of an explanation, but that's not good enough.
I lift my head from her lap and look at her "You had your reasons? What about me? What about my reasons?"
She reaches out to brush my tears away, but it makes no difference, they're coming to fast. "I'm sorry."
I pull back a little at her touch "Did you..." I struggle to find words I can bear to say "Is it over? Or can we talk about it?"
She shakes her head slowly and refuses to meet my eyes.
I take her hands which are reaching for me again gently in my own and place them on her lap before rising to my feet to leave the room.
"Justin..." she calls after me with tiny moan of sorrow.
"Don't." I whisper without turning around as I pull open the bedroom door and close it softly behind me.

***

I'm completely stunned. I don't know whether I should go to him or just let him have some time to himself right now. I don't want to make things worse but really could they get any worse? I lay back and cry...I bury my face in my pillow so that no one can hear me while I'm sobbing and screaming. I didn't want him to find out this way, in fact, I didn't want him to find at all. I was so careful. I know it was wrong of me not to tell him but I know how he is and I know he would have never let me do what I did. This would have ruined his career and I could never live with myself if I let that happen.
I love him so much but we aren't even together technically and this whole thing that we have going on hasn't even been going on for all that long. Hopefully at some point he will see that but I'm really not sure if he will. What if he never forgives me? Hell I still haven't forgiven myself. I can't believe I did this. I can't believe any of this is even happening. It was very hard for me to make the decision that I did. I struggled even to the point of walking out of the clinic but I knew also that the whole thing would have created a lot of problems. I couldn't bear the thought of tying him down at such a young age and the fact that he'd probably end up hating me at some point. Fuck, seeing him sobbing like that killed me, absolutely ripped my heart out. How could I have done this to him?