Catching Feelings

15

I open my eyes and stare up the ceiling, careful to remain completely quiet and still so I don't wake her.
She's still sleeping, with her head nestled against my chest, hair spilling across my bare skin...at first I can't help a little smile of content, but then the details of last night begin to play through my mind.
"Fuck..." I think to myself, the feeling of panic already becoming slightly overwhelming "Did I tell her I loved her last night? Do I love her?" I already know the answer to that.
And she said it back didn't she? I think back quickly...yeah, she did. Did she mean it the way I did? I don't know, maybe. That somehow makes this worse.
I glance down at her, even in her sleep she looks worried. I'm suddenly shocked by the urgent need to get her off of me. I don't understand it, this is what I thought I wanted...but it's all too much.
I reach down and shake her shoulder, still careful to wake her slowly even through my anxiety. She sits up slowly and then jerks the sheet up, covering her bare breasts with rushed embarrassment.
"Good morning..." she murmurs softly, plucking at a loose thread on the comforter.
"Morning...so listen...last night was amazing...it really was, but I've got a bunch of shit to do with Scooter...meetings you know, so..." The moment I say it I regret it...did I really just use that line on her? On B? Like she's some girl I brought back after a show? She knows damn well I have no meetings today.
But even though I know she understands what I'm doing, she jumps up with relief, dragging the blanket with her "Yeah, I should've just...I'll just...I'm just gonna go." She stumbles through her words, clearly anxious to be away from me.
I lean down and grab her jeans, tossing them to her. She catches the without meeting my eye and tugs them on while somehow managing to stay wrapped up in the comforter. I on the other hand stand up without worrying about taking the sheet with me and search around for something to throw on.
"Hey hand me those will you?" I point to a pair of shorts draped over the back of the chair beside her. She turns to hand them to me, her eyes widening slightly with shock "What are you doing?"
I'm a little confused by this and the look that I give her makes that perfectly clear "Yeah, I think we're a little passed all that aren't we?" I indicate the lengths she has gone to keep herself covered with a sweep of my hand before tugging the shorts on. "But whatever. Hey, can you see if Fredo's out there on your way out? I think he said something about crashing in my room. If he is...send him in."
She turns her back and pulls her shirt down over her head "Why? Why do you want to see him?" She's facing me now, with panic in her eyes "You can't tell him Justin...you know that right?"
I squint my eyes at her as if the thought is ridiculous "Why would I tell him anything? But seriously, send him in if he's out there." I turn away and pick up my phone...dismissing her.
When I hear the door click shut behind her I slump back down on the bed with my head in my hands. I can't decide if I'm more bothered by how badly I wanted her to go, or by how happy she was to leave.
****
I'm hoping on one foot trying to get my shoe on while I watch Fredo out of the corner of my eye. He's sitting on the couch grinning at me. "Um hey Fredo.. sorry I feel asleep back there um..."
He nods "Yea sure you did..." I'm so freaked out right now. Oh my god he knows. My heart is racing..I need to get out of here quick.
"No really that's all it was...seriously...I would never, but um I gotta go and Justin wanted me to tell you to go back there. so you should probably do that because I told him I'd get you and...yea I'll see ya later."
I slip out the door and race down the hall to my room. I know I know I just made myself sound ridiculously guilty by stammering and fumbling through my words. It seemed like he wanted me to leave just as bad as I wanted to leave. Is that all he wanted from me..all this just to fuck me? It makes no sense to me at all. I strip my clothes off and hop in the shower desperate to wash it all away but I know that won't happen. It was so perfect...no one has ever made me feel that way and it scares me..especially now with the way he acted this morning.
Hours later I'm still sitting in my room..completely dumbfounded but I know what I need to do. I just hope Scooter doesn't flip out. I take a deep breath and dial his number. I know he's not busy, Justin was blatantly lying. He answers on the first ring.
"Hey Bobbi what's up?"
"Hey Scooter I need to talk to you about something..."
"Sure...everything okay?"
"Yea yea I just...well I need a little time off..I was offered this modeling job a few weeks ago and I wasn't sure if I wanted to take it but I do, but if it's a problem I won't." I say with one big rush of breath nervously.
He pauses for a moment and sighs "Who's it for?"
Ok so maybe he's going to allow it I need this so bad. "Famous stars and straps..Travis Barkers clothing line."
"Yea I'm familiar with it..yea it shouldn't be a problem..when do you need to fly out?"
Another deep breath "Well the shoot is tomorrow...so I should probably leave today...I'm really sorry it's so last minute."
"No it's okay..I understand...we will figure it out..do you know when you're coming back?"
I answer him honestly "Not really..shouldn't be too long."
"Ok well, just let me know when you know more...good luck."
"Thanks Scoot, I really appreciate it."
I go about quickly packing up my clothes and arranging my flight. I literally have an hour...it'll be rushed but I'm determined to make it...I've never been so humiliated in my whole life. Hopefully some time away will erase it.
****
Fredo knocks lightly on my door and slips inside before I even tell him to come in.
"Is she gone?" I ask without turning around.
"Yeah...she just left. What happened?" He asks in a tone that tells me he knows exactly what happened.
"You know what happened..." I finally look at him "But I don't know...when I woke up this morning, I couldn't get her out of here fast enough. I practically threw her out like she was just some random girl."
He settles into the chair "What? I didn't expect you to say that, that's for sure."
"I know...but...last night I told her..." I trail off, not sure whether I want to say it.
"You told her?" he leads me on quietly.
"I said I love you...it just came out...I just...I just said it." I run my palm over my face and groan.
"Do you?"
"I don't know..." I start, and then shake my head at the lie "Yeah, I think I do."
"So then what was all this?" He waves his hand around, meaning why did I want her to leave.
"I can't do this shit Fredo..." I snap without trying to hide my annoyance "What the fuck? What are we gonna get married and live happily ever after? No...you should have seen her, she was all too happy to go. You know what'll happen...and where does that leave me? Last night was..." I want to say perfect, but go with "a mistake." instead.
"You really feel that way? Like it was a mistake? 'Cause I gotta tell you Justin...you're not making any fucking sense. First you say you love her and then you call her a mistake?"
"Yeah..." I snap "That's what I said...just leave it alone." Why did I think I could make someone else see what I see? That she'll never allow this to happen, I mean to really happen and that I'll be left crushed and broken when I wake up one day to find her gone if I let this go any further.
He starts to say something more, but I point to the door silently. When he's gone I lay back on the bed and try to push her face from my mind, but the whole room smells like her, the scent of her hair covers the sheets and pillows and even though I shouldn't, I can't help but bring them closer to my face to inhale the traces of her. I slowly fall back to sleep, missing her already.
When the ringing of my cell phone snaps me awake the light in the room has shifted, telling me I've slept for a while.
"What's up Scooter?" I ask in a voice quiet with sleep.
He gets right to the point "I just hung up with Bobbi...she's taking a leave. It's awful sudden Justin...do you have anything to do with this?"
I pull myself into a sitting position "What do you mean she's taking a leave?"
"I mean she's leaving...for a while, she isn't sure how long but...said something about a modeling job for Famous Stars and Straps, that Travis Barker line..."
"What? Are you kidding me?" I jump to the least important part of what he's said because I can't help it "Have you seen that shit Scooter? She'll be half fucking naked!" I feel sick at the thought, but I shouldn't.
"Uh yeah...whatever. Anyway, you didn't answer my question. Do you have anything to do with this?"
"No!" I answer too defensively "Why would you think I had something to do with her going? I barely saw her last night."
He sighs as if he knows I'm lying but doesn't push it any further.
"When is she leaving?" I ask softly.
"Soon...today."
"Okay, well...wish her luck for me if you speak to her." I say as if I don't really care "I'm gonna go catch a little more sleep. Thanks for letting me know." I hang up without saying goodbye and stare at the closed door.
I could go after her right now, she's right down the hall. I could beg her not to go, I could explain to her why I acted the way I did earlier...I could tell her that I meant what I said, that I love her. Would she stay if I did? I could do all those things, and I want to...badly, but what I do is...nothing. This is what needs to happen...this is best. I know she'll probably never come back, I know what this leave will probably turn into, and I know that I'll probably never see her again, and it hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before, but still I do nothing. And when my cell rings and I find 'B' on the caller ID I don't answer, I know she's calling to tell me herself, which actually surprises me, but I don't trust myself to hear her voice right now so I send her to voicemail. I lie there watching that damn door, willing myself to stay put...knowing she's leaving...and let her go.

****

I'm completely shocked and saddened that Justin didn't answer my call. I just wanted to be honest and tell him that I was leaving for a bit. I wanted him to hear it from me not someone else but I guess it doesn't matter. My fear is that I won't have a job to come back to. I never would've thought things would be like this. He was so sweet...and persistent. I guess no one is that perfect. I sit down on the bed and massage the bridge of my nose. I feel a pounding headache coming on. I'm flipping through the pictures on my phone from last night when I hear a tap on my door...maybe it's him. I hurry to the door but am slightly disappointed when I find Fredo on the other side.
"Hey Bobbi I was hoping to catch you before you left..." I raise my eyebrow. How does he know?
He answers me as if he's just read my mind "Scooter told me you were leaving for a bit..something about a modeling job.."
I nod "Yea I wasn't sure if I was going to take it but it seems like a good opportunity and lets be real this tour/job won't last forever so..."
He nods in agreement "You're right, but what changed your mind so quickly?"
I shrug my shoulders knowing full well he knows what changed my mind but I keep up a brave face as if nothing has happened. "I've been thinking about it for days...nothing...no big reason." I stammer fighting back tears that shock me "Look I gotta get going Fredo..I'll see you soon though."
He puts a hand on my shoulder "You sure...you're okay?"
I smile at him reassuringly and pull him into a hug "I'm sure..."
"Okay then." he pats me on the back and pulls away "Can't wait to see these pictures..." he smirks then laughs.
I roll my eyes and laugh "Stop...wanna help me carry these downstairs?" I point towards my bags.
"Sure thing."
Minutes later, he successfully helps me into my waiting car and gives me another hug. When we pull away I completely lose it...once again shocked by how strongly this is affecting me

****

I'm finally dragging myself out of bed to jump in the shower, I need to get ready for tonight's show even though I don't know how I'm gonna get through it knowing she's not there, when my cell rings again. I hurry across the room, hoping it's her but find that it's Fredo.
"Hey..." I answer, trying to sound upbeat but failing miserably.
"She's gone..." he says softly, knowing how much I'll hate to hear it but thankfully not pointing it out.
"How do you know?" I ask.
"I just helped her with her bags, she just left...she's gone." He repeats.
"Oh..." I don't know if I can say anything else, my throat is tightening with the tears that I'm fighting hard to stop.
"She was crying Justin...I'm telling you, she didn't want to go."
"If she didn't want to go...she wouldn't have." I rasp before quickly hanging up.
The tears that have been threatening finally begin to fall, I can't believe she's gone...and I can't stand to think she was crying. I remember the last time I saw her cry...that night in her hotel room. I was such an asshole to her, ordering her to 'get off' like an uncaring dick. Why hadn't I just held her until she calmed down? Picturing her crying while she was with Fredo makes it even worse...I had my chance and I just sat here in this goddamn room and let her go.
"This is for the best..." I remind myself aloud before standing back up.
I head into the shower and try to forget that she's not here, and that she'll probably never be here again, but I can't the ache in my heart won't go away...last night she was here, I could see her and touch her and listen to her voice and make her laugh and...and now she's gone, and I'll never be able to fix it.
An hour later I'm preparing for the show, sadly straightening my own jacket the way she used to...still trying to convince myself that this is the way it should be.