Catching Feelings

54

I'm waiting anxiously in the van for Dustin and a few other members of security to usher my mom out of the airport.
"Excited?" Mikey asks from behind the wheel, eyeing me in the rearview mirror.
"So fuckin' excited!" I nod "It feels like forever since I've seen her."
"Better start watching that mouth then mama's boy." He jokes.
I lean back in my seat, searching for her outside the window "Shit...watch how fast I turn it off when she's around. I slip up occasionally and it isn't pretty when I do."
"My mom always says..." He starts but I interrupt him "There they are!" I actually bounce in my seat a little, I can't see her, she's so tiny and hidden by all the security.
Dustin pulls the door open and seconds later, there she is...
I slide over, pulling her inside with me and then wrap my arms around her, resting my head on my shoulder "Hi mom..." I whisper. Normally, I'm a lot more wired and pumped up...but having her here, with everything that's been going on...I don't know, I guess I just didn't realize how much I still need her.
She holds me a little tighter and then pulls back, cupping my face "Hi baby..." she smiles with happy tears glistening in her eyes "I missed you so much!"
"I missed you too..." I smile back, taking her hand to hold it as they pile the last of her luggage in.
A little over an hour later I'm helping her in to her room, carrying her bags myself even though Mikey and Dustin nearly insisted on doing it themselves.
"Is this okay?" I ask, waving my hand around the room after I sit her bags down.
"This is perfect..." She assures me just as I knew she would "In fact, its too much. You should have just booked me a regular room, I don't need a suite."
I look at her as if she's lost her mind "Like I would ever put you in a regular room. In fact this was mine...B and I rearranged things this morning and had housekeeping get it ready for you. We're in the next suite down while we're here."
She looks horrified "Justin! No...you two keep your room, I'll take the downgrade."
"No you won't." I say firmly enough that she drops the subject. "So I thought we might do a little shopping today?" I suggest "They've got some really sick shops...but if you would rather just rest up...you tired from the trip over?"
"Not at all! That sounds perfect! Who's coming?"
"Just you and me mama..." I grin "I want you all to myself for a little while. Well, except Dustin and Mikey obviously, but we won't even know they're there. They're pretty great at that."
She throws her carry on up on the counter and begins to unzip it "Where's Bobbi though? "
"She had a few work related things to take care of." I lie...she's hanging out in our room right now, but she wanted to give mom and I some time alone.
Turning her attention back to me she settles down on to the couch and pats the cushion beside her "Come sit with me..."
I cross the room and lie down, resting my head in lap.
Her hand instantly begins comb through my hair "I'm glad actually...you know we need to talk right?"
I nod because I knew our conversation over the phone wasn't going to fly. "I know."
"Are you alright Justin?" She asks softly as I close my eyes, relaxed be the comfort of her touch "Be honest with me."
I remain silent, but that's all the answer she needs "What is it though? What's going on?"
"I don't know mom..." I sigh, holding back the tears that are already threatening. "It's all so much...and it never ends, not even for a second."
She continues to stroke my hair but says nothing, waiting for me to go on because she's knows me through and through, and she also knows there's more.
"I'm drinking too much..." I add, surprising myself.
"Drinking?" she presses gently "Is that it?"
"Yeah," I lie for the second time since she arrived. I feel guilty as hell, but how could I not lie? It would break her heart if she knew everything.
"It won't make it go away...you know that right? It will only make things worse. Much worse." She reminds me. I can't see her face, but I don't have to, I can hear the tears in her voice.
"I know ma...I'm going to slow down." I promise.
She taps my forehead lightly with her thumb "Sit up."
I pull myself into sitting position as she takes my hands "Look at me Justin..." she waits until my gaze meets her and then continues "You have been extraordinary since the day you were born...everyone you've ever known has seen it too and they still do. Don't waste it trying to run from something that isn't going to go away. Never throw away the gifts god has given you, not even the little ones, let alone this which is your greatest."
"I'm trying mom...I really am. I just don't know how to deal with all of this sometimes."
"Of course you don't," she smiles sadly "Who would? Let's pray...we'll ask him to guide you." She shakes her head "No, he's already trying to guide you, you just aren't listening closely enough, let's ask him to help you hear him."