Catching Feelings

47

Somehow, thankfully, I manage to wake up long before she does...I hadn't thought this far ahead last night, but it won't be pretty if she finds me sleeping beside her, I'm honest with myself enough to know that. The situation is avoided however because when my eyes open she's still sleeping deeply enough that I can reluctantly creep out of the bed and back into the other bedroom. I pull back the comforter and top sheet for the first time since I only laid on top of them last night until I ventured in to lay with her, and then stretch out on the bed as though I've been there all night and wait for her to wake up. I'm too wired and nervous to go back to sleep...and I need to decide what to say to her to make her reconsider staying in any other room than ours. I can't stand the thought.
After what seems like hours I hear her moving around in the suite and spring from the bed, arranging my features to look like I've just gotten up before heading out to talk to her.
I stand silently, leaning against the door frame and watch her zip up her carry on and then move to the bathroom to collect her toiletries. She knows I'm there but pretends not to until I softly call her name.
She stops in her tracks and turns to me "Yeah?"
I finally enter the room and reach for her but she backs away a little while watching my outstretched hand with a look in her eye that tells me exactly how much she wants to take it. "Don't do this B...just stay with me...we can sleep in separate rooms until you say otherwise but I can't handle sleeping in a room you're not in. What can I do to change your mind?"
She studies me silently for a few moments and then takes a deep breath "Nothing. There's nothing you can say...but if you don't stop..." she trails of, collecting her thoughts "I have a hard time helping myself with you Justin..you break me to easily and I can't risk that, so let me go or I'll go home...that's what you can do...let me go a little or you won't have a choice and I'll be much further away."
"I can't let you go at all baby...I can't..." I confess, close to tears "I don't know how anymore...you're mine."
She shakes her head "Not anymore..." she lowers her head sadly "You have no idea how much I wish that was still true...I love you with everything I have but..."
She picks up her bag and I reach to take it from her, ready to place it back down and convince her to stay with me but the look in her eye stops me "I'll go home Justin...I'll go back to Pennsylvania...if you want me near, let me go."
I draw back and close my eyes against the aching pain in my heart "Okay, Bobbi girl...but you remember, when you're ready to come back to me...do it. Come back to me...I can't live without you...my heart is breaking...and the only one who could ever put it back together is you."
She shakes her head and pulls her suitcase off the bed and pushes passed me...and then she's gone.

***

I'm on my way back to the hotel choosing to ride in a car alone instead of riding on the bus. I need space and it's hard to get that when everyone is together so much. Justin was being extremely respectful of my wishes at the arena today and after tonights show. I'd catch him watching me every once in awhile but truth be told I was watching him as well. It's hard to keep my eyes off of him. It's hard to be away from him but I know that it's what is best right now, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I arrive back at the hotel to find only a small crowd of girls out front. The buses haven't made it here yet so they are all relatively calm. I slip past them without a too much of problem after giving them a smile and a wave before heading up to my room.
There have been internet rumors about Justin and I but nothing that has really stuck. Most people just know me as his assistant but that doesn't still doesn't give me anonymity. Anybody with any kind of contact with Justin becomes a little bit well known.

When I get back to my room I drop my purse and sink down into the plush eggplant colored chair that sits adjacent to the bed. The room is rather small nothing like Justins' but it suits me well. I haven't spent much time here today but it already seems depressingly quiet. I miss him so much and we really haven't even been apart. I just came from seeing him most of the day even though we were working but it's different this way. It's a struggle to have to be firm with him when all I want to do is jump in his arms. It needs to be this way though or he's never going to stop what he's doing. If he only knew how much I worry about him and that I love him just as much as he loves me if not more. I've wrestled with the idea that I'm abandoning him so to speak but really what else is there to do? Justin has a way of always getting what he wants because he's so charming which makes it so much harder to resist him. Just like us being on vacation..I swallowed those molly's without giving it much thought because I wanted to have fun with him and be on his level then it only got worse. I tried to talk to him prior but it didn't work. People know the things he does but they turn their heads with a blind eye. I can't do that anymore and this is the only thing I can think to do that will really get through to him even though it's killing me. It would be much easier if I would have just went home but I just couldn't do that to him, not with the way he was pleading with me.