Catching Feelings

28

There's another hour before I step off this plane. I'm full of an odd mix of emotions, stuck somewhere between nervous and excited. It's been 3 weeks since I've seen Justin because I decided to leave for Christmas break early but I'm also coming back early as well. Tomorrow is New Years Eve and I wasn't due back till a few days after that but LA for New Years sounds fun. I have a few friends that have invited me to go out so I decided to take them up on the offer. I've spoken to Justin a few times but nothing more than the safe 'Hey how are you?' I've missed him terribly and truth be told I'm hoping I'll be able to see him tonight. We are staying at the same hotel (his house is under renovations) but I'm not really sure what his plans are.
I saw a therapist a few times while I was back home and it really did help. It's still rough though knowing what I did and I don't think I'll ever really get over it. One day I'm hoping that Justin will be able to forgive me, I know he will never forget but if he could at least find it in his heart to forgive me. We were once like best friends and to get back to that would be amazing. I can't imagine my life without him now. In fact the last three weeks are the longest we have ever been apart since I started working for him. It took everything I had not to call him daily but I wanted to give him his space plus he was working and spending time with his family. I can't lie though, I stalked his instagram and twitter daily. I shake my head at the thought of my silliness.

I check my watch again for the millionth time...twenty minutes till we land. My damn hair is a mess, I really hope I don't randomly run into him in the hotel lobby. I'd like to look my best when I see him for the first time. I mean he knows I'm staying here, he knows I'm coming in today I just didn't tell him what time I would be getting in. Ryan and Twist are spending New Years with him so I don't know when or even if we will really get to talk. Jesus I'm talking myself in circles here, I need to calm the fuck down already.

Two hours later I've successfully checked into my room. My phone blew up with text messages when I got off the plane so I check in with my parents as soon as I set my bags down. They know some of what has been going with Justin and but not all of it obviously. When we hang up I give Fredo a buzz. We talked pretty frequently over the holiday break, he's become an even better friend than he was before. He gives good advice and he's damn good listener. I still refused to tell him what the big issue was although I'm sure he has his suspicions.

I find myself pacing the floors. I haven't been this nervous in quite awhile. I decide to take a bubble bath and as soon as I sink down into the tub my phone buzzes. It's Justin asking if I'm in town yet. I stare at the ceiling trying to decide on what to say. I don't want to seem pushy but I really hope he wants to see me tonight. I reply with a simple yes and wait patiently for his response.

***

I already knew she was in town of course, made sure the front desk notified me as soon as she checked in. Actually, I'd hoped she would text or call me first...or better yet, just dropped by my room.
There's a longer than normal pause between my text and her response, and I know it's because she's deciding what to say and I find myself staring down at my phone, nervously waiting for her reply. I haven't seen her in so long and I miss her more than I ever would have expected to. But things are still such a mess, nothing is normal between us and it probably never will be again. The last phone call I made to her a week ago was awkward and uncomfortable for me because of all the things I wanted to say to her...how much I missed her, how nothing is right when she isn't with me, how every little thing reminds me of her...
Mom pulled me aside within twenty minutes of being together in Stratford to ask me what was going on. I tried to play it off, telling her I was just tired from the trip in but she saw right through me, she always does.
She cupped my cheek and shook her head "Don't lie to your mother Justin Drew..."
"Why do you think something's wrong? I'm fine...really!" I argued with a smile, still not willing to give in.
"Your eyes." She replied simply.
"My eyes?"
"Yes...they're sad...even when you're smiling." She pointed out, taking my hand to lead me into my old bedroom.
When we were seated on the bed her eyes swept proudly around the room "Look at all these trophies...alright now tell me."
I laid my head in her lap and told her everything...leaving out the baby and describing it only as 'something big'.
When I began to cry her hand dropped to stroke my temple soothingly "Some people have to wait a very long time to find what you have with her Justin...nothings big enough to throw that away."
I wasn't convinced "I think maybe you're wrong this time Ma."
"God has given you so many gifts and blessings, but bringing a love like you're describing is the most important one of all...try to remember that."
She'd fallen silent after that, allowing me to quietly think while she sat with me until I sank into a deep sleep.
My phone, which I'm still staring at begins to vibrate as B answers my text, confirming that she's in town.
"What room are you in?" Again, I already know the answer to this.
She texts back right away this time with her room number.
"You busy? Can I come chill for a little while?" I ask before I lose my nerve.
"Sure, give me twenty minutes though, I'm in the tub."
I can't help but smile a little "When are you not in the tub? See you in twenty."
After the longest twenty minutes of my life I'm making my way down the hall towards her door. "Why am I so fucking nervous?" I whisper to myself "It's just B."
I give myself a quick once over, straighten my clothes, run my hand through my hair and pat my pocket to make sure her Christmas gift is still tucked safely inside before knocking.
The door opens almost immediately as though she's been standing on the other side waiting for me.
A wide smile spreads involuntarily across my face at the sight of her.
"Hey..." she says, returning my smile shyly as she leads me into the room.
"Hey Bobbi girl..." I pull her into a quick hug and peck her cheek.
When I let her go we stand nervously for a few moments, neither of us knowing what to say. I hate this...how can this be us? How did we end up here?
"So..." she says a little too brightly "How was your trip home?"
"Really good!" I lie matching her enthusiasm. "Yours?"
"It was great...it was good to see everyone!"
I cringe inwardly, remembering what happened the last time she said she was going home.
I nod and we fall silent again until I suddenly remember "I almost forgot...I got you something."
"For what?"
I catch her eye with a little half smile "Ummm seriously baby? For Christmas."
She bursts into the laughter I have missed so much and gives my shoulder a light shove "Oh my god...I'm stupid. But you shouldn't have gotten me anything."
"Why do you always say that? Every single time..." I shake my head with a grin pulling the velvet box from my pocket "When the hell are you gonna learn to just take a present and say thank you?"
She reaches for it "Thank you."
"Don't thank me baby...I've told you a thousand times, I hate that."
"But you just said..."
I cut her off "I know what I said."
She laughs again "You're such a smart ass."
"Well are you going to open it or what?" I ask, nodding my head towards the box.
She lifts the lid up and stares quietly at the delicate platinum and diamond bracelet that I picked out just because I knew it would look perfect around her tiny wrist.
"It's beautiful J..." she says softly. "Thank you...I love it."
"Here..." I take it from her and fasten it around her right wrist when she offers it. My heart begins to race the second my fingers brush against her.
When the clasp is secure she holds her hand up to admire it. "I missed you..." I whisper as I watch her look it over, tilting her head this way and that happily.
Her eyes meet my own "I missed you too."
I'm torn between taking her in my arms and leaving the room...being this close to her reminds of how much I love her, but it also reminds of what she did.
I take a deep breath "Well, I'm gonna get out of here, just wanted to say hi and give you that."
She doesn't want me to go, I can see it in her eyes but she just nods "Yeah, I'm exhausted. Thank you for my bracelet though...it's perfect."
"Stop that...but you're welcome." I turn reluctantly to go and then remember "Hey, by the way, I don't know if you made plans for new years eve, but Twist and Ryan are here...so if you feel like it, drop by my suite and party with us for a little while.
"Okay, maybe I will..." she agrees, as I step into the hall.
I lean in a give her another quick kiss on the cheek and then head back to my room.