Catching Feelings

51

The stinging, heavy feeling in my chest is growing worse by the minute...and its so hot under the lights, much hotter than normal. My heart is banging hard and rapidly in my chest but as I scan the sea of faces I try to pull it together. "Just a few more songs.." I remind myself silently. Nick gives me a questioning look, he can tell something is off but I shake my head just a little and give him an 'I'm fine' look. He doesn't seem convinced but lets it go...concentrating on the choreography while I try and do the same.
Its been like this through the whole show...just not as bad...and what I was able to cover with little jokes earlier is quickly becoming something I can't hide no matter how hard I try. What the fuck is going on? I'd give anything to draw in a deep breath right now, to fill my lungs with air as deeply as possible...but short, shallow breaths are all I can manage.
I make my way to the end of the catwalk and force myself to execute the proper moves but its suddenly all too much...the flashes of lights are blinding and my vision is blurred. I drop my hands to my knees and will it to go away...but it only becomes more intense instead and I finally admit what I've known since Beauty and a Beat began...I need to get off this stage.
I raise my eyes and look up...the stage exit looks a million miles away, I don't know if I can make it...and as I stumble towards it I notice a slight change in the pitch of the crowd as some of the more observant fans realize something's wrong.
Jon smiles when he sees me coming, but also looks confused by this deviation to the norm of the show. As I move closer, gasping and unsteady on my feet his smile fades into wide eyed shock. I hunch forward a little and he bends down with his hand on my back "You okay?"
I shake my head as we disappear behind the stage and instantly sink to my knees...grateful for the way the cool floor feels against my cheek when I curl into a little ball.
There's a flurry of activity around me...people rushing around in a blur...firing questions at me that I can only answer with the same choked "I can't breathe..." over and over.
Scooter has appeared beside me, kneeling down close with panic in his eyes "What's going on Justin? Come on kid...talk to me!"
"Can't breathe..." I repeat, adding "Where's B?" because I know he'll know where she is and will get her for me.
"Help me get him up..." he orders Scrappy, who immediately rushes to help him. They drag me to my feet...I'm dead weight, trying to walk on my own but it isn't happening. "We're gonna get you back in a room so the doctor can check you over...an ambulance is on its way."
I shake my head and somehow manage in a whisper "I don't want an ambulance...where's B?"
"She's back here talking with someone from the catering service, they had some questions about something..I don't know."
"Get her." I demand quietly.
"Somebody find Bobbi and send her back!" He yells just as she's rounding the corner.
"Oh my god J..." She rushes over and follows beside Scooter, crying already "What's happening? I'm so sorry...I should have been there the minute you walked off stage...I'm always there, but there was this issue with..." She's speaking so frantically I can barely understand her, but it doesn't matter...the sound of her voice is enough.
I'm guided down onto a couch, wondering why it took so look to make the short journey, but my guess it that its only seemed like an eternity. There's a doctor in my face suddenly as B grips my shaking hand, asking questions, testing my pulse, listening to my lungs, shining a bright light into my eyes that reminds me of the flashes of paparazzi camera bulbs so much that I actually squint and shove his hand away instinctively.
"Here..." B comes around behind the couch and places her thumbs on my forehead, stroking outward slowly "Just concentrate on my fingers J...try to breathe with them okay?"
I nod and close my eyes, shutting everything but her gentle, rhythmic touch and after a moment or two, it works and I feel a little better.
"He needs to be examined properly at a hospital...a facility with the right equipment..." The doctor informs them. "He should go now."
"No..." I argue firmly "I'm going to finish first."
"Justin!" Bobbi gasps at the exact same time Scooter attempts to shut me down with an "I don't think so."
I push myself into a sitting position and rip the blood pressure cuff thats been wrapped around my arm off "I said I'm finishing!"
"J...no. Please don't..." Bobbi begs with shock and fear written all over her face.
"I'm fine B..." I lie "Scoot...go tell them whats happening and that I'll be out in 5 to finish up."
"I strongly recommend that you don't." The doctor urges.
"Do you?" I ask flatly, making it clear I don't really give a damn.
Scooter stares me down until I offer him a little smile "Tough as nails right Scoot?"
He returns my smile but it doesn't reach his eyes "Yeah, tough as nails." and then he's gone.
Bobbi begins to cry a little harder so I reach out and squeeze my hand together a couple times, silently asking her to come closer "Its fine B..." I rasp "Just a little out of breath...I'll just take it easy out there, finish up and then we'll go to the hospital to see what they say."
She nods reluctantly against my chest and I wait just a little longer, concentrating on her breathing, trying to match my own up with it until I feel like just maybe I'm ready to pull it off.
After what seems like hours I've finally made it through the remaining songs...struggling painfully through the demanding vocals of Believe and am heading back off stage with the deafening sound of the crowd behind me. Bobbi and Scooter are waiting anxiously, his arm wrapped around her comfortingly as she hurries to wipe her tears away so that I won't know she's been crying the entire time, which is pointless because her eyes are red and puffy.
"We've got a chopper waiting..." Scooter informs me, hurrying me off.
"A helicopter?" I snap "No. Why? I don't want that shit all over the news..."
"Do you know what traffic is going to be like?" B chimes in "Not to mention the paps and the fans...it'll take too long."
"You act like I'm dying baby..."
She looks horrified "Don't you dare say that!"
There's a rush of activity and before I know it I'm on a guerny, despite my assurance that I am perfectly capable of walking as we make our way to the roof.
Just before they load me in B squeezes my hand and leans down to kiss me "I'll be there as soon as I can."
"What?" I try to sit up with alarm but the firm hand of one of the paramedics holds me down. I shove him off and sit up straight "You're coming with me!"
She shakes her head as if she has let me down "They won't let me...they said there isn't enough room."
"Fuck that!" I turn my eyes towards the EMT and fix him with a glare "Make room. She comes too. Got that?"
He isn't fazed "No. She doesn't come...there is no room."
I start to say more but she pulls away and hurries off calling "I'm coming J...I love you." over her shoulder, knowing that I won't go without her unless she leaves first.
I slump back down with a groan of frustration which causes my lungs to sear with pain, snapping through a wince and gritted teeth "Fine...lets get this over with."