fixed // luke hemmings

twenty four

I can't.

I can't go with her.

If I go with her and see those boys up there on that stage, see that one person who saved my life but destroyed it soon after, I wouldn't know what to do.

I want to see him. To hug him and hold him tight and tell him I love him. Because I do. But that's why I can't see him. Because at the same time, I want to scream and yell at him. I want to show him that I can be strong without him. But I haven't been strong for almost 2 years. I just want people to think I am.

Which is why I can't go. I simply can't handle seeing him. Or any of them, for that matter.

"Ruby..."

My friend looks down at the 2 tickets in her hands. She shakes her head slightly and looks at me.

"Why can't you do this? Why can't you do this one thing?! What's so bad that you won't go to a fucking concert with me, Alex?"

I want to tell her so badly. But I know that's not an option.

"No! It's not that! I- I um,"

As I rack my brain, desparately trying to think of another excuse, Ruby stands before me, tapping her foot impatiently waiting for a response.

"I have a thing that day,"

A thing? Is that the best you could come up with?

"Oh and what day would that be?" Ruby asks, knowingly.

Shit.

"Please," I start, "Just trust me that I can't go. If it was anything else, I would go. You know I would do anything else. But just not this,"

Ruby stands takes a step towards me while I sit still on the couch, praying that she'll let me off. But judging by the look on my best friend's face, nothing good is coming my way.

"Look Alex, I get that you don't like 5SOS, for whatever reason, but why can't you go? Why is it so difficult for you to even listen to one of their songs?! You despise them and you won't even tell me why. It's been 2 years and I've tried to keep quiet but I can't do this anymore! I need to know why you're like this because honestly, it is really starting to piss me off,"

I look at her one more time before I drop my head down and stare at my hands in my lap. Would it really be so bad if I told her? She's my best friend, she can handle it, right?

Sighing, I figure I might as well give it a shot. I'll let Ruby decide if it's real.

"What I'm about to tell you," I begin, "It's um, it's a lot to take in at once,"

She raises her eyebrows and lets out a long breath, "Just tell me the truth,"

I quickly nod before looking up at her. If I'm going to tell her the truth, then I should probably look her in the eyes.

Knowing that there is a massive chance she won't believe me, I start to tell Ruby about Luke and me. I tell her about our friendship, our almost kiss, our actual kiss, meeting the rest of the boys, mine and Michael's almost kiss, the way Luke stood up for me, the way he let me down. But not everything. I decide not to tell her about the day I tried to kill myself because that's not the person I am today. Plus, it was the day I knew Luke would always be there for me. I feel like it's too special to share with Ruby, no matter how close we are.

When I've finished, Ruby's face shows no sign of shock or surprise. Instead, she looks like she's about to cry.

"I'm so sorry," she cries, "I had no idea,"

She hugs me and then goes to sit back down on the couch.

"Why couldn't you tell me before? I would have been able to handle it, you know. Just because I craze over everything these boys do, doesn't mean I wouldn't take in what happened. I love you, Alex. You're my best friend and you should never feel like you can't tell me anything,"

I smile as I wipe away a tear from my cheek.

"I know. I'm sorry. I love you too. I should have told you. I don't know," I say quickly, shaking my head slightly.

"You don't have to come. I know how hard it will be," she says, forcing a smile, "I can't believe all this time I've been obssessing over Luke and you stayed quiet about it. I'm so sorry, Alex,"

Half of me wants to be a good friend and say that I'll go with her, but the other half knows that it will be a bad idea if I ever see those boys again.

"Hey," I say quietly, "Maybe you could persuade Violet or Alice to go with you?"

She rolls her eyes, "No way would I go to a concert with one of those losers,"

"How about Oscar?"

"I don't even know if I should go now. I mean, it wouldn't be any fun without my best friend beside me and I know how much it would get to you,"

I start to protest, but Ruby cuts me off, "I know you would hate it if I went so don't even try and fight me. I'm not going,"

I don't want to say anything else. I want that to be the end of it. No one goes to the concert. But after I look at Ruby's face and see how upset this has made her, there's no way I can leave it like this. How could I let her do this? I don't want to be the reason that's stopping Ruby from seeing her idols.

I have to do the right thing.

"I'll go,"

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short update but at least something happened wOO bye i'm getting so bad at updating and i rly have no excuse i am just a lazy human being and i'm also getting bad at these author's notes but you have to forgive me bc ily thanKS