Save me

The Girl I Was

The room felt controlled. That was the first thing I noticed. Everything had a place. Everything had a purpose. Nothing moved unless it was meant to. That was how it was supposed to be.

I stood still, just inside the doorway and looked at him. He was suspended in the center of the room. Held in place by restraints pulling in every direction, arms above his head, legs anchored, waist secured. Every movement restricted before it could even begin. Efficient. Necessary.

He was dangerous. That's what Asha said. "You don't contain him after he moves," she told me. "You contain him before he decides to."

So that's what we did. I stepped forward. He saw me immediately. Everything about him changed.
"Crystal?" The name landed... strangely. Not wrong. Just... distant. Like something I used to answer to.

"My name is Crystallia." The response came naturally. It was correct. Factual. It was what it should be. But the way his expression fell? That wasn't expected.

"No." His voice was quiet, but certain. "No, it's not."

Something in my chest tightened. Asha moved beside me. "You see?" she said calmly. "He rejects truth." I didn't respond.

I was watching him. There was something about the way he was looking at me. It didn't match what I had been told.

"You remember," he said. Not a question. A statement.

"I don't." The answer came quickly. Too quickly. Asha's hand rested lightly against my arm. Reinforcing. Grounding.

"He will try to confuse you," she reminded me. "He needs you to doubt yourself." That made sense. Doubt was weakness. Weakness led to loss of control.

"I don't know you." The words felt stable. Safe. But his expression didn't change.

"You do."

"No."

"Yes!" He snapped back.  My hands curled slightly at my sides.

"Stop." He didn't.

"You remember learning things for the first time." My breath caught. No. "You remember asking questions." A flicker. A room. Voices. Laughter.

"Why does it matter?" My voice was sharper now.

"Because you cared," he said.

"That's not relevant."

"It is."Asha stepped forward.

"That's enough." But he kept going.

"You chose things."

My chest tightened again. Chosen. The word echoed.

"You weren't told who to be," he continued. "You decided." I shook my head.

"No."

But the word didn't feel stable anymore.

"You learned. You questioned. You figured things out."

"Stop."

"You changed."

"I said stop!" The room went silent. My breathing was uneven now. That wasn't supposed to happen. Asha's voice cut in immediately.

"He is destabilising you."

I swallowed. "Yes." That was correct. That was what was happening.

"He's making you think those choices mattered."

I nodded. Because that made sense.

"They didn't." A pause. "They were part of the process." The tightness in my chest eased slightly. Yes. That felt right.

"You were always becoming this." Asha gestured toward me. "This is who you are."
Not who I chose. Who I was meant to be. "You were never meant to stay with them forever." My eyes flicked back to him. "They held you back."

His jaw tightened. "That's not true."

"It is." Asha didn't hesitate. "They made you small." I frowned slightly. Small? "You are not meant to be small." Her voice softened. "You are meant to be more."

More. That word settled. It didn't feel wrong.

"You don't have to listen to her." His voice again.
Steady. Focused. "You can decide."

Decide. The word hit harder than it should have.

"I already have." But it didn't sound convincing.
Asha's tone sharpened.

"You are not here to decide. You are here to become." Something in me steadied again.

Yes. That was simpler. Clearer. Safer.

"You're not a weapon." He said it quietly. Carefully. Like he was trying not to break something. Asha didn't even look at him.

"She is exactly that."

"I'm not talking to you." That was new. Sharp. Defiant. Asha's eyes flicked toward him. Cold.

"You don't get to tell her who she is."

"I'm not telling her," he said. "I'm reminding her."

Heavy silence fell around the room.
I looked between them.

"You are confused," Asha said to me. "That's normal." She was right. "He is using emotion to interfere with your clarity."

That's what I needed. "That's not what I'm doing," he said.

But I didn't look at him this time. It was easier not to.

"You don't have to prove anything," Asha continued. "You just have to let go of what isn't real."

That made sense. That made everything simpler. I took a breath. Steady. Controlled. I looked at him again.

I forced myself not to hesitate. "I don't know you." The words came out clean. Something in his expression broke. But I didn't react. I couldn't. Because reacting would mean...

No. Stay focused. Asha nodded slightly. "Good."

That word settled.  That meant I was doing it right. That meant I was in control.

Why did it feel wrong?

As I turned to leave, I paused. Just for a second.
I didn't look back. But I felt it. The weight of his eyes on me. Waiting. Not giving up.
I didn't understand why.

But something stayed with me. Not a memory. Not a feeling. Just a thought. Small. Persistent. Quiet.

If none of it was real...

Why did it feel like I was losing something?