Our Story

Chapter 47: Days With/Without You

I had it rough. The days that I had been spending after I lost you right in front of my eyes.

I had begun to live the life of a recluse. I was always inside my room. I did not want to get out. My father's pleas was nothing but a buzzing noise on the other side of the door. I blocked out the entire world.

I kept on hugging my knees, staring endlessly at the television in front of me that was playing some random show. It had been like this for how many days I wonder. It could have been weeks or it could have been months. Before I realised it, the televisiom before me had changed from colourful scenery to blue and then to black. Well it was not entirely black. It was reflecting me. The eyes that was reflected there made me feel sick... made me feel somewhat sorry for the owner of the eyes.

It was even more worse than that of yours. It was even more rotten than yours. I thought of wanting to save that owner of those eyes.

But then I realised.. those were my eyes. I could not help but let a chuckle escape from me. I look so pathetic. Even when I knew of this, I still refused to move. I refused to move out from my room. I refused to move on. I wanted to continue to play our days together endlessly in my mind. I wanted to die knowing that I was thinking of you. I knew that the moment I walked out of the door, I would forget about you. I knew.

However as the days pass by, as I continue to stare at the television, I begun to forget. I begun to forget everything about you, bit by bit. By the time I got into my senses for a while, it was already too late.

I could not even remember the reason I was even locked up in this room. I was in a state of panic. The one thing that I been clinging to was gone, forgotten and I had begun losing my will to live. I wanted to know why was I wasting my life here. I wanted to know why my body refused to move out from the door. I wanted to know why there were times the sound of knocking and buzzing could be heard on the other side of the door. I wanted to know.... and yet again, I begun to lose that feeling just like everything.

Eventually, I had recovered from my 'mental illness' according to my father and I had already gotten used to going out of my room. But I still had a sense of fear in me when it comes to going out of the door. Not because I feared the outside but because of the thought that I would be meeting people once I was outside. I learned from my father that I was inside for at least a few weeks in there. And I have to say, I looked like a mess when I got out.

But that was just a tip of the iceberg. The fact that I had somehow survived from eating and drinking so little during those weeks was a miracle. But it came with a price. My body began feeling very weak. I sometimes had trouble just waking up. It was probably my muscles not being used to thw sudden force acting on it. I had passed out a couple number of times and was even brought to the hospital. All in all, it took me a year to get used to my life and eventually I had recovered and was allowed to continue my days in school.

I knew deep inside, I had to settle something very important. The feeling that I have lost, I wanted to regain it, I wanted to put an end to it. I knew that it would be causing me a lot of trouble in the future. It was true. You had kept appearing in my dreams. Almost every night, I would be dreaming of my days with you and it would end with you leaving me and left me feeling empty again. I wanted to solve it. I wanted to find the answer to all this...

Because I know, even from someone like you... no it's because it you, you surely would not want others to suffer because of you. That was why you put up with your parents' abuse, that was why you put up with my attitude to you. That was why you put up with everything with a smile. Because you are kind hearted fool. That is my best friend, Hikari Hanazawa. Though it brought you to your end, surely even after death, you would not want anyone you care for to suffer. That is who you are.