Words

Something

I won't try to write things which are not really related with what I think I feel but not. Whenever I write, there's this 'something' that keeps on stopping me. I don't know what but I am certain how.

When I write, there should be an emotion; an emotion I want to feel. Every time I hold my pen and stare at my paper, I knew I should write something... but the paper stayed empty. I feel frustrated. I keep on looking around me, trying to catch a glimpse of that emotion; that feeling. I tried to get information from everything that surrounds me... but nothing. I tried to breathe some air, gathering my thoughts. Well, I did think of something but there's always missing.

What could it be, I always thought. But there was never an answer. At first, I kind of think I could find an answer by myself... but I was wrong.

Something's missing. Something important. Maybe I may have forgotten, or maybe I have buried it deep inside my mind, so deep that when I dig, the deeper I go, I couldn't even see anything but a hole full of darkness.

When I was young, I was really naive. I thought there's some kind of dimension where I could leap in the air and slide on the rainbow. I even thought horses with wings exist. What my point is, I was so imaginative back then, so innocent, so kind. But now, all I could see is hatred. I could see chaos, I could even see death. As I grow old, I came to a conclusion that my fantasies are absurd. I thought this world where I am now is beautiful. I even write how wonderful it may be to live in this world, well, in the past. I wrote that, maybe because I saw nothing but cheerfulness, all I heard was the laughter by kids like me, all I ever felt is love from the family I grew up to.

I thought the world is good... so good even I don't have to feel this difficulty in living.

Now, I grew up.

I couldn't feel the emotions I have felt when I was young.

Now, all I have written is about cruelty of this world that keeps on killing many innocent lives; this world where injustice reigns; this world where the poor people have no right because the rich have the power to control everything; this world where I existed.

I have seen nothing but cruelty.

I have seen nothing but pain.

I have seen nothing but hatred.

At first, I thought people would not be so stupid that they are willing to be deceived by someone greater than them; maybe because they couldn't do anything but to agree. I believed that they are not really dumb. But, I was wrong.

They keep on trusting the deceivers; they keep on bowing their heads to the wrong persons; they keep on following something they don't know whether it's right or wrong; they keep on hoping to someone who doesn't even care about them; they keep on giving up and letting the wrong persons take charge; they keep on depending; they keep on complaining.

Tell me, what's still left in humanity?

Greed?

Fear?

Hatred?

I thought there would still be some kind of goodness in humanity. Many times, I believed; many times I felt disappointment.

Okay, I'm one of them.

I'm one of these humans.

I'm one of these dependent idiots who keep on hoping for someone to take over because I know, I, myself, couldn't handle it.

This is the emotion I keep on feeling: this surging hatred against humanity; this hopelessness; this cruelty.

I'm an idiot.