Words

I Can See You

"Please let me in," you begged, trying to convince me that you are worth it; trying to convince me that you can handle me; trying to convince me that you and I will be okay. You looked at me, straight in the eyes. I can see how genuine your words are. How tempting it is to hold onto those words. It made me feel like you could save me from myself. But the demons are pulling my hand away from you. The demons are screaming. They don't want you. They don't trust you. I can't free myself from their voices in my head.

I looked at you and said, "Then force your way in. There's no other way. I can't open the door for you. I am trapped; I am locked and I couldn't find the key inside of me. I'm so sorry."

You just stared at me blankly. I cannot read the expression you showed me. Are you giving up on me? It's fine. Everyone's like that. I'm used to it. But no matter what happens, I can handle it. People come and go. I'm tired of getting my hopes up. I'm tired of trying to make people stay. So it will be okay. I will be fine.

"Is that how you push people away?" you asked.

I stayed silent. I pursed my lips and avoided your gaze.

"You're just afraid, aren't you?" you continued, making me feel uneasy because it feels like you've seen through me. It feels like your gaze pierced through my skin.

"Afraid of what?"I managed to reply.

"Afraid of people leaving you hanging. You're afraid to trust people because you're tired of believing false words that are coming from their lips; you're tired of hoping that they can understand what's going on inside you. You're so afraid to the point where you shut people out and don't want everyone in. It's not that you lost the key; you just want to test them whether they choose to stay or not. It's not that you are trapped; you just want to see whether they are willin to save you from yourself." You looked at me, straight in the  eyes. "It's not that you can't; you just won't."

I stood there, breathless. My heart began to pound. My knees weakened. This is the first time someone replied so bluntly and so truthfully. It's like you took the words out of my mind. "You," I whispered, I can barely look at you. "How much do you know about me?" I asked, "you made me feel surprisingly uneasy. Why? How?"

You stayed silent for a second and shrugged. "I can see you," you replied.