Words

Acceptance: Who is to Blame?

Here I am, in this cold world. I have no one but myself. It's not the same as before. It's empty. It feels lonely. But who am I to complain? I've been alone since the moment I was born. But I exist for you. I exist only for you. I am your strength. I am your weakness. I am your fear. I am your disappointment. I am your happiness. I am your everything.

In the blink of an eye, you're in front of me. I'm astonished, I haven't done anything. You looked at me; disgust and hatred are in your eyes. You pointed me your gun and shot me, three times.

What is this?

You shot me with your gun: the bullets are piercing against my soul. What have I done? Is this some sort of punishment for going against you? Is this what you want me to feel? I couldn't do anything; I just stood there as my blood splattered out of my stomach... as I cough... as I slowly close my eyes. My knees weakened. Why? Why is this happening? Why have you betrayed me? Why are you laughing? I can feel the bitterness. I can feel the pain. I fell into my knees. Immediately, you hugged me so tightly... saying you're sorry. Why are you doing this? Why are you asking me for forgiveness? Am I not the person who goes against you? Why are you so cruel? Why are you going back to the person you used to be? I’m dying. Why now? What’s with the change of heart? Please, tell me. My tears started to build up.

“Why now?” I asked quietly.

I don’t have the strength anymore. I’m slowly fading from this world... from you

“Please don’t give up. Don’t go just yet,” she pleaded, “I need you. I still need you.” She cried as she tries to help me up but failed. I have too many questions to ask: Why try to kill me in the first place? Why hate me when I’ve done nothing wrong? I’m always here for you. Am I that horrible? Are you that bothered? Then why do I need to exist? I just did what your feelings want me to do. Am I that bad that you try to get rid of me? Are you that hurt? I couldn’t understand you but I’ve accepted you, haven’t I? Why? Why hurt me?

“I love you. I’m sorry,” she croaked. “I don’t understand you sometimes. I always try my best to make you understand me but you could not. I hate you. I hate you for not consoling me when I needed you. I hate you for making me give up without even trying. But, I realized that you’re important to me. Please, let me save you.”

I smiled a little. “You know, I don’t have to understand everything about you. You are you. I know, even you couldn’t understand anything, right? I’m the same as you. I’m always here for you, but you closed your eyes; you couldn’t see me. You know I love you that much, I live only for you. Why kill me here? Do you not need me anymore? Am I that of a trash that you could dispose because I am not of use? I’m hurt. Are you that afraid of me?” I asked quietly. Slowly, everything’s going black. Is this the end of me? The pain is getting worse. I could feel my heartbeat slowing down. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

She never said anything. She’s silently crying. Her body is trembling. I was about to close my eyes but the time stopped. I could still catch my breath.

What’s happening?

I called out her name but there’s no voice. My throat is dry. I desperately want to tell her something weird is happening but then she looked me in the eyes... her eyes, full of pain and regret. “I’m so sorry,” she said, “I’m stupid. I’m stupid for hurting you. I’m so stupid for wanting to kill you. I’m just desperate. I’m just frustrated. I’m just lonely. I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me.”

My heart, it’s beating normal again. I called out her name. “Everything’s okay now.” I caressed her cheeks, wet with tears. I smiled weakly. “I’m okay now. I forgive you.”

Everything’s fading. Everything’s going transparent. I looked at her dumbfounded face and whispered, “Go on. Now that you’ve finally accepted yourself, you can break free from this nightmare.”

“B-But, I am you,” she stuttered. “This isn’t a nightmare. This is where I met you! I don’t want to go back without you.” She started crying again.

“I suffered, and still, I’m suffering. I couldn’t go back with you. This is where I belong. Don’t worry; I’m still here for you. I’m that lone voice you’re hearing when you doubt your strength. I’m that voice calling you when you feel alone. I’m that voice that whispers you could do it, I won’t leave you... but you have to leave me.” I wiped away her tears. “You need to live for me... not to be here. You must continue evolving. You must continue living. Don’t stay here, pitying me. You will never grow. So, please. Listen to me.”

Everything’s going back to the way it used to be. She needs to go. She must leave. It won’t end here.

“Promise me you’ll be here for me,” she demanded. I nodded quietly. She hugged me... so tightly I couldn’t breathe. “I love you. I really do. I just need to find someone whom I could blame. You’re the only one I could think of. I’m so sorry,” she whispered. She’s slowly disappearing. She accepted everything.

“It’s okay,” I replied,”it’s fine to blame me. Curse me. Hurt me. But I won’t leave you. I will be here for you for eternity.”

She trembled... not with fear but with gladness. “Thank you!” she exclaimed as she vanished. I wiped away my tears and stood up. My wound is gone. I’m okay now. I glanced at this empty world. It’s getting lively again. I closed my eyes and breathed hard. For a second there, I could feel warmth. It’s a wonderful feeling. The world turned back to the way it used to be. It’s good to be back. This is her world. This is where I was born. This is the only reason I exist; to be with her until she dies. Everything’s turning back to normal. I saw everything about her: The positive side and the negative side. I’ve accepted everything about her. I may not understand her that much but I knew she’s just human.

She may be doubting, trembling with fear, or even surrounded by her negative thoughts, I won’t leave her. I will love her until the end.

I felt her fear again. I smiled and whispered, “You’re not alone, I am here. You can do it. I believe you can.”

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Honestly, I just finished writing this short story in my notebook awhile ago. And, decided to publish it. The main thought of the story is about you and yourself. I think I can associate it with Mead's theory of the self: The I and the Me but let's not talk about that. Haha. It's like, you're always hurting yourself when in fact, he/she is the only friend who could bring you up. Yes. Friend. And yes, your friend is yourself. You can understand the story. I know you can. I don't even know how I did it. I just did. Do I have some kind of supernatural powers? Okay, that was a joke. Laugh.

Seriously, I'm not really thinking about how it will flow until the end. I just wrote it mindlessly. I even exclaimed, "I'm actually writing a story!" Well, because at first, I didn't know what to write. But my hand started to move on its own. I started it with "You shot me with your gun; piercing against my soul" and it goes on. I merely edited the moment I encoded it. So, yeah.

Another short story! So proud of myself! >.<