Without You

Chapter 11

The plane landed 30 minutes early so I grabbed my luggage and sat outside waiting for Javier.

I watched as a family, a mother, father, and 3 daughters who were about 7, 9, and 11. The mother was holding the youngest ones's hand while pulling a large suitcase. The father was pulling 2 other large suitcases and the girls had each their own backpack. Then all of them got in a taxi and drove off. It reminded me of us. My family.

Then Javier pulled up, but it wasn't just Javi, it was him and 3 other guys.

"Sorry." He said quietly and hugged me. I hugged him back.

"It's okay. It's not your fault. It's mine."

"What do you mean it's your fault?" He practically yelled. He was whispering and the next sentence he was yelling?

"If I didn't go to LA, then no one would have gotten hurt. If I didn't race on Leah to start with, no one would have been dead." I said in a low voice.

"Oh Allie, no it's not your fault. It's no ones's fault."

"It is Javi it is. It's mine." I yelled at him.

"Allison- Allison look at me." He says and tilts my chin up to look at his face. "Allison, it's not your fault. None of this is. You are just.... unlucky. You aren't a very lucky person, but you are strong. Stronger than anyone I have met. Any person in their right mind would be depressed, and not look to the good things in life. Any normal person would not be starting quarterback for their football team, they wouldn't be making new friends, they wouldn't have a chance to be in the Kentucky Derby. Allie you aren't a normal person, you are more than normal, and it's not a bad thing. You are stronger, braver, kinder. You are self-less and care about everyone. Allison, none of this is your fault."

By the end of that I was ready to cry. But I don't cry.

"Oh Javi I love you." I say.

"I know Allie, I know."

We stood there hugging at the Plattsburgh International Airport. Families passed us, grandparents, teenagers, couples-

"Hurry the f*uck up Javier, we need to get the car back!" The guy in the drivers seat yelled.

Javier rolled his eyes and grabbed my bag.

•-•-•-•-•

The ride was long, the guys in the car smelled bad and the car smelled bad, everything smelled bad. I went to sleep in the loft of the barn, after I got Leah in her stall and said hello to Star.

The next morning was Friday. The game.

"Allison we have to talk? You up?" Javi yelled up to me.

"Yeah come up." I groaned.

"Okay what do you want to do?"

"About what?"

"Okay here is what you have to think about, I'll tell you in Reed terms. 1) Figure out how far away the Evans are away from here, you are sleeping there tonight. 2) Do you want to keep racing? 3) Do you want to sell this place? 4) Are you going to the derby?" 

"Alright. I'll find out where they live. I have thought about it my whole flight. I want to keep racing. We can't part with Leah and Star and Reed was making a lot of money with the boarders and horses he trained. Will they let me train them? Or you? Can't we keep this place running?" I ask.

"I don't know Allie. People aren't going to want a teenage girl training their hundreds of thousands of dollar horses-" He said. I thought he supported me.

"But Reed has taught me. I can do it. If I win the derby we will-" I spoke louder.

"I hate to bring you off of cloud 9 but you can't win. You are a girl for fucks sake. On a fucking filly Allison, she only can do so much. Allison girls cannot do everything. Guys are stronger, you will be destroyed. You and your fucking obsessions with boys sports." He yelled at me. He just snapped like that. Was it because I threatened his fame? Was he always hating me? Then I noticed his eyes are hazy. He was not sober. 

I took a long pause, and then I exploded.

"Screw you, screw everyone. I thought you were the one person. You and Reed. I had you when the sexist pigs would throw insults at me but no, I thought I could trust you. I don't know why Sara did. I don't know why anyone does. I trusted you! I trusted you, Javier! You know what happened to my life. It's a f-up. You were there for me when everyone left but you just screw up everything. Javier you were the last person on this earth I trusted. I trusted you. I cared about you. But just like everyone else you screwed me over. I don't understand how did Sara love you? Why? You are just like everyone else on this earth, a selfish son of a witch." 

"How dare you bring Sara into this? I loved her. She loved me-" He yelled.

"And you think I don't love her? She is my sister. My older sister. She was always there for me. Unlike you. You were 16 how do you know what love is at 16 when you are in love with an eleven year old?" I yelled again.

"I knew what love was. It was a feeling that I can't explain. I probably will never feel it again and you definitely won't either. No boy will ever want to love you. You are a boy-girl freak. One day it will all come back to you. You are going to die playing these fucking boy sports. You are going to get yourself killed." He shouted but lowers his voice at the end.

"At least I will die doing something I love. I will not be stereotyped into playing 'girl sports'. I can do what I want Javier. I can do what I want." I said as calmly as possible.

"No you can't Allison you see just a weak girl in strong armor. You are 16. You can't do anything. You think you are indestructible, all teenagers think like that but you have taken it to a whole new fucking level. I'm selling this fucking piece of shit along with that fucking horse you obsess over." He yelled again.

"What do you mean I Javier? Have you forgotten? This was my father's barn. My father's horses. My father's business. He gave it to Reed. He gave it to him because I was 9. Guess who inherits everything? Me. Allison Carter. I may be 16 but I know enough to do what I need. I need to keep this place. Go screw yourself for all I care. I thought you would help me and be by my side but no. Go back to that little shack you share with those hobos. I don't care, just get out of my life. I don't need you." I said in a disgusted and taunting voice.

"Yes you need me Allison. You need me. You need an adult figure-"

"I will get that from the Evans. I don't need you. Why go back stab me and then say I need you? I can run on my own. I can play the sports I choose. I can do anything I want to."

"Hasn't anyone taught anything about this world? Oh wait no your parents died. They were on a road. You were talking to them on the phone. You got them killed. You killed your own parents and the girl I loved." How dare he go this low. My heart ached.

"Don't remind me. You don't think I live my life in regret? Every day. Every freakin breath Javier. I have had no one to hold my hand on my way. I have been on my own these past 6 years." I screamed again.

"You killed her! She was my love. I loved her. I still do,." He yelled back.

"You don't think I know that? She was my sister. I lost her. Then I lost everyone else. I had no one. Then you came. You promised me after Mae died. You promised me that you would never hurt me. You did more than hurt m-me. My heart is in a million pieces. It will never be together again. I have no one, Javier. You are standing here, screwing me over like- like- everyone else. I knew you were no different. My question is why wait 4 years to back stab me?"

"I wish you were dead. I wish you killed yourself. I wish we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. I wish you never were born. I wish you never made that phone call." He was hurting and has been. Reed's death pushed him over the edge because he was like a father to him. But he could not understand how much I was hurting too. Alcohol was never a good mix with trauma.

"You don't realize it do you. I wish I was dead. I wouldn't have to be suffering. I wouldn't have to be living this crappy life. Earlier today you told me none of anything was my fault. You just lied again. I think I figured out why you are trying to hurt me. Uptown Pharaoh would have won if it wasn't for me and Leah. You wanted me dead as much as Victor and Phil. You wanted me dead for the same reason. You promised my sister you would take care of me, you did until it meant risking your future."

There was silence. He didn't say a word. Then he took it out. A knife.

•-•-•-•-•

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