Without You

Chapter 28

I had to go back home with Jake, awkwardness in the air. We walked where Chase had dropped us off at the end of the drive way and woah was that a long walk. We walked inside and Susan greeted us.

"Hey darlings how was your game?"

"It sucked, we won, but the other team played fucking dirty against Allie." Jake responded and walked up they stairs.

"Hey don't swear in front of me Jakey, you know better."

"Sorry mom." He mumbles.

"I'm tired as well, it's been a long day, I think I will head to bed. Goodnight Susan." I smile at her.

"Night sweetie."

She reminded me of my own mother. I couldn't help but wonder if they were friends along with my father and her husband.

I changed into pajamas and went to 'bed'. After I was sure Jake was asleep I walked out of the room, grasping a sweatshirt, and my bag, but still in my pajamas. I walked out of the house towards the barn.

The barn was a relatively long walk from Jake's but not nearly as long as my old walk was. This walk wasn't nearly as sketchy either. All I had to worry about were animals, not people with guns.

I got to the barn and went into the office. Jam had left me a note:

Samantha, we left here at 7. All the horses fed. Hopefully see you soon.
Love, Jam.

I put on the reading glasses Reed had there and started to go through the files. Paper after paper, document after document. I paused to think about Javier. In jail because of me, another person I screwed over, another person I hurt, another person I could have saved. I was still the selfish Allison Carter I have always been.

My mind drifts to the guys. I flip over a document to make a list.

Jake:
-Sweetheart
-Protects me
-Actually genuinely likes me
-Amazing family
-Cute
Jason:
-Asshole
-Sexist but sweet
-Rude but caring
-Bipolar
-Hottest boy I have ever seen
Chase:
-Genuinely likes me
-Sweet
-Caring
-Cute
Hunter:
-Asshole
-Rapist
-Rude
-Get tf out of my life
KMP and Jack:
-Nice to be around

Jake is literally the boy of my dreams. My mother would love him, my dad would approve, and Sara would be jealous. I just can't do it. I can't. Screw Nike.

Really no one should come near me. I am a recipe for disaster. I only leave destruction in my path. Broken bodies, broken hearts. I shouldn't be with Jake, I couldn't be with Jake. I would destroy him, he is too good for me. Hunter is too good for me. The kid that sits curled up in a ball crying after math tests is too good for me. No human deserves to be with me. I'll screw with their lives and they will end up like me. A broken, sad, heartless girl alone in this world.

My aunt didn't deserve me. I probably turned her into the alcoholic she was having to deal with me. She died. She's gone. She's gone because of me. She's gone because of my freaking screw ups. I cut her life support. SHE WOULDN'T BE DEAD IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME.

Mom
Dad
Sara
Mae
Al
Grandma
Grandpa
Aunt M
Aunt Celia
Uncle Rich
Gered
Fallisa
Dalia
Reed
Mark (Reed's Brother)
James (Reed's Brother)

That's 14 people. 14 people I killed. I killed 14 people. 14 people lost their lives because of me. Allison Carter. My presence killed them all. My presence ruined them. They all had so much life left in them. I killed a baby. Dalia was 1 year. I killed these people. I kill everyone I come close to. I sent two to jail. Javier and Blake. And 1 to a mental hospital. And ruined Deb's life. Crap. I can't come close to these people. I need to go. I need to leave. I need to pick up and go somewhere.

Jam, This is not a suicide note. I want you to take care of the horses for me. I will pay you whatever it takes. Keep Leah in good condition and work Star hard for me. The boarders just tell them I had business to attend to, and will be back before the first Saturday in May. I trust you to deal with the boarders. If anyone asks, you are left in charge. I trust you with everything I have because this barn is everything I have. Listen, if anyone asks that isn't a boarder, tell them you don't know where I am. Oh and will you burn this note please? There might be a team of high school football players on the look for me, or maybe not, but if you see them, you know nothing. Especially don't tell Jake Evans or Jason Carter please. I lived with the Evans so they might go mad looking for me, I'll take care of them. Just Jam, I love you, please don't break my trust like everyone else, I don't know if I could do this again. I will be back for the derby but after that I will probably take Leah. I'm going to miss you. Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Valentines Day, Happy St. Patrick's Day, Happy April Fools Day, and every holiday I missed in case I don't come back by then. (Chances are someone will find me and send me to a mental hospital so I'll send you a note from there) For the hundredth time, Love you Jam.
Love, Sam/Allie Carter.

I check my bag for my phone, check; charger, check; notebook, check; pictures, check; all the money I got, check. I got it all.

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