The Devil You Know

Chapter 46: One Month

I sat on my front porch in the cold air, sipping from my whiskey bottle, it's been a few months since she passed, I didn't cry a lot anymore, just sometimes in the night. I could feel her in the house, her presence was with us, she was with me and Joel everywhere we went, I feel like I could hear her still, guiding me to do the right thing.

Jade came home from the gym, and her and Brendan stepped out of the car and looked at me for a moment, I gave them a soft smile, pulling my hood down and lighting a cigarette, Brendan kissed my head and went inside to check on Joel who was in the basement throwing angry punches at a punching bag, Jade sat down next to me and out her arm around me.

"How you feeling?" She spoke gentle and quiet, leaning her head on me. She took a sip of the whiskey that I had and handed it back to me.

"Ahh, I'm alright" I cleared my throat and looked up at the dark night sky. We sat in silence, sometimes just her company was enough. "We did our medical exams today, were both good" she looked at me with sad eyes, she didn't want me to go, but I had to, or else I'd lose myself, I needed the discipline I needed to go.

She hugged me tightly, sniffling a little bit, I knew she was holding back tears but I knew she knew I had to do this. "Just... Please come back, both of you" I nodded, playing with my fathers tags, I knew he was smiling down on me and Joel, and so was mum. "When do you leave" I turned my head to look in her eyes, she was scared.

"Next month, I made sure to leave when you started college so you'd have something to keep yourself busy, promise me you won't fall out and you'll get it done" she nodded.

"I promise" and I knew she'd keep it. We both stood up and made our way inside. We got some food and sat In front of the television, watching movies into late hours of the night, we spent as much time together as we could before Joel and I left.

My mind wandered, and I found myself thinking about Tommy, he hasn't crossed my mind in a long time, something felt wrong... I wondered if he was ok, if Ma was okay... Something wasn't right, but we would never know, he walked out of our lives. There was still that part of me that wanted him back, wondering what life would be like if he stayed. I wondered if we would've been together, if he would've been happier, we could've moved out, all of us, away from Paddy, we could've all started new.

I shook the thoughts out, but he lingered in the darkness of my mind. I put my head in Jades lap, and we stayed silent, she played with my hair, putting little braids in it. "You better send me letters all the fucking time, and call me every chance you get" I laughed, she always reminded me.

"Of course Jade, you're all I have left"