Blue ➸ JiKook

[17]

Jimin

❝I can't explain, you would not understand. This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb.❞ ―Comfortably Numb, Pink Floyd

A vacant shell of a human being resided within the far too white sheets concealing the mattress beneath it. Every second that seemed to tick by all too fast were now halted with questions of uncertainty and certain dread about the future. Dust danced like neglected snowflakes within the beams of shining light that cascaded across the room through the slightly agape blinds. These flecks of time only taunted Jimin with the achingly slow passage of the hour hand on the clock. Numbness covered him in waves of shattered bliss and he couldn't be more grateful for the chance to rid of the feelings that constantly plagued him. It was comfortable this way. He didn't require to put effort into what part of himself he was going to present to the fans, to his band mates. He could sit here with a hollow feeling in his chest and the lack of empathy reverberating within the confines of his skull.

Jimin tossed himself onto his back, observing the popcorn-styled ceiling. His breathing slowed, his thoughts ceased. He was a mere speck of dust to this word, so why not act the part? He closed his eyes a singular time and breathed in, allowing the cold air to fill the deep recesses of his lungs. It sparked the feeling of a minuscule pain within his ribs but he neglected the feeling ― grateful for its presence to alert him that while he wasn't capable of experiencing any emotion currently, but pain could still be a contributing factor in curing the space that was currently him rather than the actual him. Jimin smiled a bit, forgetting that time and space even existed. He felt a disconnection from his body and he could never be happier for anything else in his life to occur. While it happened to be scary in certain instances, disassociation could be a beautiful thing when it wasn't attempting to tear him apart.

Nothing existed in this state of mind ― nothing but distance ships on the horizon of his thoughts. Life was so beautiful when you were merely a spectator and had no input on the way it turned out to be. Jimin's eyes remained focused on the ceiling. He disregarded the fact he was a sentient being entirely and instead focused on the feeling of floating above all the issues that remained in the bed with his body. It was the vacant space between sleep and wake, between receding or remaining. This was far too comfortable, and he could only relish in the unrealistic euphoria he was currently experiencing.

A knock on the door signaled the end of hid ability to indulgence in the comfortable numbness that had contained him in complete bliss and he couldn't help but release a disappointed sigh. He would rather be living within the confines of his head than in the reality that had been set before them. Nothing would ever allow him to love such a life that caused him to transform into an outcast from his own body. He shrugged the warm comfort of the white sheets off of his body and dragged himself over to the door, knowing full well he couldn't ignore the sound of Jin's incessant knocking. While to them it may have seemed like they came across as caring towards the young boy, Jimin was fully aware of the pity that drove their actions. They wouldn't be behaving like this if they didn't pity him. And Jimin didn't want pity.

In fact, Jimin didn't desire anything he could ever receive from another human being. He would much rather put an extensive space between him and anything that could manage to walk on two legs. Jimin was far too finished with the affairs of people he could experience to even acknowledge the body that journeyed beside him to the dining room. Food was set across the mahogany table, but Jimin didn't feel the need or even desire to eat. He appetite was completely swallowed in the hole growing inside of his heart at the sight of the boy across the table, but he managed to repress the tears that threatened to make their way down the intensive journey of his cheeks. While everyone ate, Jimin merely pushed the food around the bowl with his chopsticks. He wasn't going to consume anything touched and swayed by such vile creatures as human beings.

His group members all observed him with looks of disdain painted across their typically flawless features and while Jimin desired to know whether or not a specific member was watching him intently, but he did not look up. A part of his brain was holding him back, telling him he didn't want to be aware of Jungkook's reaction to Jimin's strange eating behavior. He just sighed, shaking his head. They'd known him for such an extended period of time, and yet they didn't even care enough to observe the pain Jimin was constantly dragging himself through in order to obtain the perfect body. To be the essence of perfect. It was utterly ridiculous, but not at all to the young boy. After all, who would desire to spend any of their energy paying attention to the boy who had deemed himself a screw up?

"Aren't you going to eat, Jimin?" Yoongi asked, a worried glint in his eyes. His hyung rarely showed emotion of any sort, and Jimin pondered whether or not this was just some scheme to begin to get him to trust his members. Jimin shook his head, choosing not to lock eyes with the older boy or make the effort to give a verbal response. It took too much energy he could alternatively waste on pretending he wasn't a real being and that all of this was some sick, twisted dream.

"Okay." Yoongi ended softly, taking on a wounded tone. Jimin simply disregarded the soft noise emitted from Yoongi's mouth and stood up from the table, not willing to endure any more time at the table with his band mates. It hadn't even been five minutes and they had already exceeded in making him wish he could meld into the structure of the walls and forget his existence was a tangible thing. He desired to be the smoke resting on the horizon ― there, but only at a distance. Jimin had spent too much time desiring to keep the people around him in a happy state. He didn't want to be close to anyone ever in the course of his life as it unfolds. He wanted to live within himself and not let anyone break down the walls he built up around him. He'd been hurt for far too long, far too much.

He walked towards the closet situated adjacent from the hall and swung the door open, analyzing the contents in order to discover the place his jacket had filled up in order to hide from him. Finally, after a few minutes of searching through the mess the other members had compiled, he found it. He threw it around his shoulders and journeyed towards the front door, but was abruptly interrupted by the sound of the voice he wanted so badly to forget.

"Um, Jimin, where are you going?" He asked, reaching out to bring Jimin back from the rash decision he was preparing to make. Jimin just started at him, a cold and vacant look taking place of the bright one that usually made up the chocolate layers of his eyes. The younger boy shivered, not accustomed to such an empty look upon Jimin's face.

"I'm getting out."

"Okay," Jungkook whispered, sounding broken. Jimin clenched his fists, attempting to resist the urge to hug the younger boy standing in front of him. Tears began filling his eyes and he whipped around, desperate to conceal his tears from the six other boys watching him. He wrapped his fingers around the gold knob that would lead him to the outside and let out a small whimper, the pain coming back to him in waves. He pushed it down, desperate to not feel anything.

"Bye then," Jungkook stated, his voice monotone.

"Bye." Jimin whispered, feeling more minuscule than he ever did before any of these events occurred. But he pushed it down and stepped into the outside, accepting the fact his dream and his life were slipping through his fingers. That he was no longer going to remain the person he once was. That he was forever going to occupy this she'll, but no contain one ounce of love for it.

He had become comfortably numb.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: hOLY SHIT THIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE. I'm sorry for not updating for so long ugh. And I'm also sorry if the ending sucks; I had been writing for an hour at that point and was totally running out of inspiration at that point! I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY AND DONT THINK IT TOTALLY SUCKS. I LOVE YOU.