a little better

13 2 9

by okaybae

by okaybae

November 5, 2015

Dear Hillary,

WARNING AGAIN LOL

THIS IS BORING AND DEPRESSING AND REALLY NOT IMPORTANT BUT I GUESS IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER

ENJOY?

These past few days have been better. Your comment really helped just now, I really appreciate it <3

I'm still not okay, though.

The medicine is still making me feel like death, but it's a little better. I'm very dizzy even still, but it's only in short bursts. My dad sat down with me and talked and said he had faith that I would get better, and that really helped, I think.

But the thing is, nothing has changed. Everything is the same as it was, and I get off the antibiotics in a few days. I, sadly, don't think anything is going to change. I mean, I'm getting out of gym because of it, but that doesn't mean I want surgery. Plus, the surgery, which is the only way to fix the problem, has a chance of only making it worse. Not a great situation to get in I suppose.

So right after I finished typing up the last entry, I had to go to bed. But right before that, I literally hit myself in the head and said to myself, you're being really stupid, you need to finish your homework. So I did, and then I went to bed. After that few minutes of crying and sobbing, I kind of just pushed it all away like it didn't happen.

Ohh. Maybe I was having a panic attack. . .I think that's what it is, either that or I was really tired. Because I pushed it almost completely from my mind and haven't thought about it much since. Any other time I usually dwell on it, and the emotions are still there, but the physicality of it is kind of gone. Hm.

But now I'm just back to being stressed about school and trying to be happy at school. It's really the only place I am happy. I figure I would be more happy at home, but I'm really not. I don't know where I'm happiest anymore, but I'm happier at school, but I'm still not happy, if that makes any sense.

So get this; I have 68 imagines to get out in 40 days if I want to finish my book on the day I did one year ago and the day I first ever started my imagines. That's insane, right? That's one a day plus like three a day on other days. I haven't gotten one out since the 2nd, I think? I told myself since I can never be productive when I get home from school, I don't get to have any play time when I'm free. So days off of school, including Saturdays, I am strictly working on imagines. I really want to finish the second book.

And my friend was asking me if I was really happy to start another one and to really commit to another year's worth of torture. I said I don't know, honestly. I don't know. I just don't want to disappoint everyone who has waited and been waiting and still wants to wait.

Today after school my friend came over and we laid upside down for a while and just kind of laughed. And while it was fun and all, she got up and almost passed out. And now I feel really sick as well. It's really not good to lay upside down, but we didn't really think.

So right now I just binge-ate croissants and even typing out that word makes me want to actually vomit oh gosh no seriously breathe

And there's something in my eye, coupled with my sleepiness, so my eyes are burning. That's fun. My stomach hurts and so does my head, and I have to go take a shower which takes like 17 years gosh

Plus, I don't think I'm hydrated at all because TMI ALERT my pee has been really kinda dark for the past few days. I don't really know how to fix that because if I drink too much water it really hurts my stomach lol

Okay let's move on uh my crush!

I feel like telling his sister that I like him but I also feel like that would open a can of worms that I really don't want to. I don't like worms.

But I touched his hand today oh my gosh while he was holding the door and then i moved to hold the door and he moved his hand down and away and it touched mine and i was like YES

but back to the whole thing where I'm becoming positive he doesn't like me like that. Yeah. I don't know. With guys I like, my brain forces itself to force every word and action he does into some sort of excuse to pretend that he likes me. Oh, he looked at me when he was talking about marriage oh he really wants to marry me

that is legit what i think to myself and it's really gotten me to think that he could like and me and it's delusional and wrong why is this happening

like either he has figured out that i like him or his cousin told him because he rarely talks to me, rarely looks at me, he really doesn't want anything to do with me. He acts like I could be a legitimate stranger because thats how he treats me. And that's how he should, its just that I've been lying to myself for so long that I feel like things have changed when it's been this way all along. He doesn't like me.

I'll get over it. Right now I feel like I'm really growing to not like him anymore, but then what? He's kind of the only inspiration for imagines I have anymore. Niall doesn't cut it because I dont care about one direction in the way that I used to tbh even if its sad

I don't know. I feel like I'm spiraling down but I've never not been and I just realized I was falling.

I'm in a middle state where I'm really, really upset but if I show it I get shoved down and no one really cares that's within reach so I just hide it and pretend like it doesn't matter because what can they do? What can anyone do? Get me a therapist? That would be terrifying. It's just something I'm going to have to learn to live with and if I can't then I'll get over that too.

Oh my gosh. I feel like that's really sad motivation for myself. No matter how sad I get, I'll get over that, too. I'm gonna win and be more and more sad. Whoop. Fun. Parties.

I'm so depressing I'm sorry I shouldn't really write on here when you are unicorns and rainbows and i'm thunderstorms and grim reapers I ruin the mood

why aren't i normal

well now i have to go take a shower when i feel like my head is going to fall off yayyyy

ugh i need to stop