Dear Hillary

LONG

March 3 - 5, 2015

.

Dear Hillary,

-caution there's a lot lol-

On tuesday I skyped with my friend for three hours, and that was really fun. I don't really remember what else happened xD 

Yesterday I went to my early morning church class and realized that I needed to stop being lazy and idle and stop having idle thoughts and go to bed early and wake up at the right times. So I got home and thought about it and I realized watching so much anime and fangirling over it and going on tumblr for excessive amounts of time was taking me away from the spirit and god, so I needed to stop all of that. 

well, frankly, the thought of giving up something that I loved so much and that made a lot of my friends happy made me extremely upset. (maybe i'm about to get my period but still) 

My friend who I skyped with comes over almost everyday of the week and we watch anime together at my house, and we go on tumblr, and that was what we did on skype as well. The thought of abandoning that -- and basically her -- was most of what crushed me. I know I can be happy without it because if i needed it, I wouldn't have only just found it. 

but I sat in front of the heater and cried in front of my family which I rarely rarely do anymore. my mom didn't realize until we were about to leave, and she tried to ask me what was wrong, but the issue was too personal and too hard to explain, and honestly, it sounds and is so pathetic. 

So I was like 

mom I can't go to school I can't stop crying

because I went into the bathroom and tried to brush my teeth without breaking down but i really couldn't do it. i sobbed so hard i felt nauseous

so I stayed home until fourth period and then went to school. i've only told one friend because she insisted, but it was also over text.

when my mom went to take my sisters to school when i was crying, i literally ran up to my room screaming at myself that i was a wimp

then my mom came in and was like

you can talk to me about anything but i really had nothing sufficient to say and then i fell asleep until it was time to go

and then i cried again in choir when i was trying to sing and everyone saw

so that was fun

then i got home and i felt so upset and confused and i really didn't know how to feel or what to do, so i took two sleeping pills and went to bed at 5 pm and woke up at 5 am

it feels so amazing to do that omg

I woke up this morning feeling much better and rejuvenated, and on my way to seminary, I felt this incredible feeling of peace and warmth, and I realized only a few minutes later it was God comforting me. the amount of love I felt and still feel is immense and I know he lives. 

then today was better, but I kinda got thirdwheeled. I mean, i got over it because i was being really stupid, but he confessed that he had plans to kiss her and I was bowling and taking really long so I wouldnt have to go over and interupt them, but I had to eventually. it's not anything they're doing, I just feel like such an idiot trying to talk to them when they're joking around or being cute or anything. so i kind of wanted to cry because all i want is for them to be happy and I'm kind of ruining that

like today at lunch, cuz he eats with us, I was explaining when heaven and hell I believe in and all the stuff in between, and neither of them were paying attention and I should have stopped trying and I could get the vibe that neither of them cared at all and that i was taking time away from them and I just wanted to curl into a ball and make myself so dense I collapsed into a star. 

i don't know. i don't handle relationships of my friends well unless i'm not involved at all. one of my best friends liked my brother and it severely hurt our and many of her friendships. 

i dont know. 

So going back to the religious stuff lol better get to used it 

I've not watched any anime since that day I cried, and I've only been on tumblr once for two minutes. I try not to listen to the music I've found because of the anime, but I got the revelation from God that only a few are alright and sparingly. Same with tumblr. I've drawn a line with youtube videos and vines and now I need to with anime. I need to decide what's too much when I find something new I like. 

OH ALSO

for my imagines on my other account I realized I had made two for someone, and I had no idea if i'd already made one for someone when they ask me, so I went through and made a list of everyone i'd made requests for. check your twitter ;D 

there were 143 in the first book, and counting almost all of the requests (done and not done) in the second, I have 62. THAT'S SO MANY lfsdjnlgskmsf

And I also found out that I'd made 2 for 2 people. i'm not mad at them, I just have so many that I can't afford to make seconds right now. I've told so many people that I'll come to them when I run out of requests, but I HAVEN'T. It's a privilege and a blessing, really. 

So i'm gonna post an imagine that says you can only request once unless I tell you otherwise or run out of requests / ideas. That will probably never happen, honestly. I'm almost at 50k and I started it only 2 and a half moNTHS AGO SAODGJNSLFDGM

Alright i'll shut up because this is freaking long owwowo

Mel xx

p.s. do you realize how bad my grammar and spelling get when i write these. i could care less xD