Hospitalised//5sos©

Cadence

It's breakfast and my stomach rumbles
"Don't you dare eat Pig!" Ana spat
She's getting worse each day. I hate it.
I pull myself out of bed and lock my self in the bathroom.

I can't eat today. I hear the nurses call breakfast and I switch the shower on

"We'll save yours" calls the nurse to me
"No thanks"
"You have to"
"FUCK OFF" I scream
"you know what this mean? its either food or Tube " she retorts
"FAT BITCH" I yell

The tube is horrible. I feel disgusting when the liquid goes down it. They're making me fat again.

ANA is whispering to me
"You have to loose weight"
"No food okay"
"Fine" I add

I'm in bed, it's 11 but I'm on bed rest. I have my diary in my lap and begin writing

I hate being the fatty
I want to be skinny
Ana help me
I need bones please
Help me achieve

I hate this hospital they force me to eat but I won't give in. Screw that. Give me the tube bitches I'm not eating.

My blood pressure has dropped and my body is weak. I'm cold. It's not even cold here but I'm shivering.

Three duvets and three mink blankets are on top of me. Yet my body is still shivering. The tube in my nose is distracting me and I'm tired. I tried to read but it was all blurs. My Mom tried to visit today but I wasn't ready to see her. She cried apparently.

I hate how fat I am. I hate food. I hate myself. I'm 87 pounds but still I'm fat. The tube is useless. I hate it.

Everytime I get somewhere near thin people go and ruin it! I hate it all I ever wanted was just to be one of the thin girls everyone adored. The nurse whos name I forgot wheels me to my room and helps me in bed.
Great I'm stuck in hear all fucking day.

Taylor visits me shortly after and she sits with me.

"How are you doing Cadence?" She asks sincerely and softly and for the first time I open up
"I'm horrible I hate myself I hate my illness too. I hate who I am and who I've become" I cryand she rubsmy back.
"Its okay to feel that way but damaging yourself isn't going to take the feelings away. Loving and nurturing yourself will. It all takss time but I'm the end it's worth it because one day you won't have to worry about food or your size and you'll finally see how beautiful you are no matter the size"

I smile weakly but the tears still fall I want to believe it but the sick twisted part of me won't let me. I hate that I can't be normal and feel free with food.  I know that my weight is unhealthy  but I still see it as fat. My brain has been so poisoned that I can't see what are the facts.  I AM NOT FAT