Story of a Wallflower : Freshman Year

January 5, 2016

Wow! It will be hard getting used to writing the new year. I can not believe I made it through 2015. I am not joking. At the begining of the year I thought I was going to kill myself. I planned it out and everything; the date of my death, cause of death, and the letter. I even found a website that helped people plan and commit suicide. I wanted to overdoes on tylenol and advil. My letter as basiclly going to say the reason I did not want to live anymore was the people around me especially my family and confessing my feelings for Daniel. The day of my death was going to be New Years Eve, December 31, 2015.

I do not know yet if thedecison I made was a smart oneor not, but this year has not felt horrible....yet. You know people stay up until the struck of midnight? And the first minute of the new year they feel like it is the beginging of a new start for them: New Year, New me?

Well I think that is bushit. I feel exactly the same way I did a minute ago.

For a whole week now, Marcos and I have texted every night....and sometimes in the morning. I realized that our conversations are slowly becoming more and more sexual. The other night he sent me a whole paragraphs, very descriptive, on what he wanted to do to me;

"I'll pick you up and bring you to a room while you wrap yours legs around me as I kiss you and smack your ass. Then I'll lay you down and kiss your lips and neck as I put my hand on your pussy and the other will massage your boob. Then I'll take off my pants so I can see if your satisfied and I'll take off yours. I'll slowly put it in then I'll go in and out slowly, then I'll go fast and deeper in you. Then I'll let you ride me..........shall I go. Then I fuck you against the wall as I go balls deep in you as you scratch my back . Then I'll go doggy style for alittle bit . Then I'll lay you down, kissing you from your lips till I get where I want, I'll put my tongue in you doing the tongue twister as you get wet. Then I'll use a finger or two at the same time. And the whole time we will be listening to music."

I felt very uncomfortable while I was reading that. I never thought that he would say say something like that. We go back to school next week and after reading the text he sent me I think I am going to feel kind of weird and uncomfortablearound him.

I even recieved a picture from him last night of him with out a shirt on. It looked really hot. He had a nice body, but I did not like him sending pictures because I am scared he will start sending more.....revealing picures to me and I dont want to think of him diffrently.

Ever time we text there are only twwo things that go through my mind

1) Why am I texting a guy I dont have feelings for anymore?
2) Daniel.

Marcos is the type of guy that texts me many sexual things, but he does not love me....he just ikes my body and my taste in music. I know this is a fact aand I dont have feelings for him anymore yet I text him.

I guess I am the definition of stupidity.

Whenever we text I pretend I am texting Daniel instead of Marcos. I wonder how cool it would be to have my crush flirt with me. I also wonder if he would care thatI am texting guy every night, but I doubt that he would care.

This weekend is the first Supercross of the year. Supercross is a sport where motorcycles race eachoher. My little brother and I love going every year but this year one of our cousins in Arizona is having a wedding the same weekend. Me and my brother rather go to Supercross but my dad says we should go to Arizona because our cousin doesnt have much family in Arizona. He also says we might go to the next Supercross instead.

Today I was texting Marcos. He told me he wanted to come to my house this weekend. I did not tell him I did not want him to come to my house but I also did not want tell him I wanted him to come over.

Talking to him it's hard to tell if he's being serious or not. I did not want to tell him that I was uncomfortable about all of this.

I started to want to go to Arizona so I could give him a legit reason why he can't go to my house. I don't like liars so I try not to lie.

I know you might be thinking "why am I talking to a guy that has no interest me and I have no feelings for him"

The answer is because he notices me. Something that no one does...not even Daniel.

Oh, speaking of Daniel. I'm going to see him Thursday. We are going to Sky High together. Sky High is an indoor trampoline place.

I can't wait to see his face. It's been a very long two and a half weeks. And I think about him non-stop.

Remember a while ago I was telling you about the Sadie Hawkins Dance? January 30. Well guess what.

I also have a cheer competition the same day in Palm Springs, two hours away.

I asked my coach that I had a dance the same day and I already bought my ticket. All he said was I better be in Palm Springs on stage cheering.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying as hard as I can to be school involved but there are always things pushing me back.

I think I might quit cheer. For two reasons.

1) it's not as fun as it was last year.
2) I really want to join the swim team.

There is a 89% chance of me quitting. I hope I do.

Swim tryouts are in two weeks (14 days)

Well I'm going to go....my favorite TV show is coming on, TeenWolf.