Story of a Wallflower : Freshman Year

February 15, 2015

Sorry. I have written in a while. I've been doing a lot of thinking and questioning like

Why do I duck at everything I do?

Why am I such a messed up person?

Sometimes I feel like I'm sufficating and I'm holding myself back from doing things.

And when I think about these things alone I'm my bed, I just want to cry. But I can't. I don't know if that made sense but sometimes I feel like I want to cry but I can't cry and that makes me mad.

Another thing that makes me mad is that I feel like I want to be left alone, but I hate feeling lonely.

Did that make sense?

Anyways...

I quit cheer two weeks ago. There isn't one specific reason why I quit; it doesn't make me happy anymore, my coach doesn't know what he's doing, I can't really do swim and cheer at the same time, there many more reasons.

Cindy was really mad that I quit and I didn't tell her. She got over it now.

I'm really happy that I actually joined swim. It's really fun and it gets my mind off everything.

There is this other freshman that is on the swim team. I have one class with him, PE. We don't really ever talk. He is......special. I can't remember his disorder but he has a stutter in his speech, he has an uncontrollable twitch, and he does strange things sometimes.

The other day he told me that he liked me. It caught me so off guard because we never talked. He told me in from of the whole entire swim team. I didn't say anything because I didn't want him to feel hurt. I didn't feel the same way. Not because of his disorder but because I don't know him that well and I have a short temper. He could have an episode and I would just flip out.

I got mad at myself when he told me he liked me because every time a guy likes me, I don't feel the same way and vise versa. Why can't the guys I like like me too?

This year was the worst Superbowl ever since I've been alive. I was kind of disappointed that the Broncos won. And the score. This was the first year that the team i wanted to win the Superbowl didn't win but its okay since Coldplay performed.

This weekend was my mother's birthday. How ironic her birthday is on Valentine's Day? Even though we argue a lot I still planted her a nice dinner out. It went suprisingly really well.

Lately I've been trying to plan my own birthday. The first thing on my list was go to a Drag Show. My dad said no to that. Hopefully he changes his mind (that's something he is really good at). The second thing on my list was go to a Hippie Sabotage concert. My dad says "I will think about it". I really want to go.

There is this app I use. It is called Whisper. This app is very useful at times. This app is an app is like in stag ram but no followers and it is an anonymous.

Once I was talking to this guy. We were sharing some of our poetry and we were giving each other a few pointers. One thing he told me that I really like was he said, My poetry wasn't personal enough.

At first I was really confused and I didn't understand. Then he explained what he meant. My work is too vague and when is really vague it could be really hard to have the reader feel any emotion. Sometimes people don't like it when people try to prove a point but don't even know subject they are talking about and that is what my poetry seemed like.

Ever since he said that I have been working on improve my work. I haven't published any of them yet to my other book on wattpad yet but I will soon.

Speaking of this app, I started talking to this guy the Thursday that just pasted. His name is Nick. He is a sophomore. I started to chat with him on this app. It was kind of funny because he did not believe I was a girl at first because a lot of guys would chat with him pretending to be a girl. Once he saw my instagram he believed I was a girl, then he told me he thought I was really pretty. He showed me a picture of himself. I didn't really think anything of it. He wasn't cute but he wasn't ugly. I told him I thought he was cute anyways because I thought it would be rude if someone calls you cute but you don't say it back.

He wanted to hang out the next day at lunch since we had the same lunch. The next day during 3rd period I messaged him on that app. He didn't reply so I thought he didn't want to meet me, but I think I am just using this as an excuse.

I was kind of nervous and scared to meet him. What if we meet and he ends up not liking me? I was just really nervous so I didn't go to the spot we were supposed to meet at.

When I got home from school he texted me. He says he can only use the app when he has WiFi so he could reply or get my messages. Even after I flaked on him he still wanted to meet me which kind of made me happy.

We talked the whole weekend and got to know each other.

He's a gamer
He has the same taste in music as me
He likes to draw
He likes to workout
He likes to read

The only things we don't have in common are reading and gaming. I always hated reading and I stop being an intense gamer when I was in the forth grade. And every time I hang out with the sophomore guys, it doesn't end the best. They are really annoying and stuff but Nick seems different.

I really hope he turns out nice. Tomorrow at school we are going to hang out....and I promise this time I won't flake. I'm a little less scared this time and a little bit more excited.