YouTube Love

Chapter 39

Mark and I had been back home for a while. Sean was staying with us since he was in Mark's wedding party. Mark and had made some decisions on what we want the wedding to be, but we still had a lot to decide. After about 5 hours of trying to make even more decisions, we decided to take a break. "I don't know about you, baby." Mark said sitting back on the couch with a bunch of papers, and a laptop open with almost 100 tabs open on screen. "But this is stressful." he looked over at me to see me getting a water bottle for him and I. I just nodded as I walked over and handed him the bottle. "I know, it's got me stressed out too." I said to him. My anxiety had been coming and going with the planning, plus with Sean staying, it's been a bit more on the stressful side.

Mark had been great with keeping me sane through the whole planning. He could almost tell if I was about to have an attack and he did his best to keep me calm. I was getting better but the voices in my head were not. I was wrestling with them everyday.

One night, Mark and I were sitting on the floor with papers, and both our laptops were opened plugged into the wall so the batteries wouldn't drain. Sean had gone out to get some little things at the grocery store. Mark and I had gotten into a slight disagreement about the table seating for our families and friends. Pretty soon, it had turned the voices in my head on.
"What does he know? Your aunt shouldn't have to sit so far away!"
"Yes, but his mom shouldn't be sitting so far from us either." I told them.
"Also, your cousins will fight if they sit with one another. Do you really want that?"
"No, but I think a kids table would be a good idea."
"Well, you're wrong. That's the worst idea I've ever heard."
"Jess?" a hand touched my arm. I jumped and looked up to see Mark looking at me with a concerned look on his face. "You alright?"
"Oh, yeah..." I told him. "Just got lost in thought. I really just don't know about this table seating..."
Mark moved closer to my side. I was trying my best to keep a straight face. He didn't need the added stress with the voices practically screaming in my head.
"We'll figure it out. I promise."
"No you won't. This whole thing is a disaster. I don't know why we agreed to this."
"Because I love him."
"JESS!" Mark shouted. I snapped out of my trance. "Are you even listening to me?" He said.
"Yeah.." I said.
"No you're-"
"SHUT UP!" I yelled out loud.
"What?" Mark questioned. I didn't even look at him. My brain was throbbing. "I SAID SHUT UP!" I screamed this time. "I'm only trying to ask you a question." he said, I could hear the slight edge in his voice. I looked at him. "Not you..." I tried to say as calmly as I could.
"Then who are you telling to shut up?"
"YOU! I'm telling YOU to shut the fuck up!" I said angrily.
"Me?" Mark said confused.
"Not you!" I snapped at him.
There was no going back. As soon as I saw that hurt expression on his face; it was as if I was torn. Continue fighting the demons in my head or go and try to make it up to him.
"He was being a nuisance anyways..." one voice perked up.
"Okay, that's it!" I said and almost threw my laptop onto the ground, as I got up and started pacing. "This is gonna be about me! You never want what's best for me. You never listen to me. I'm always at your beckon call and too afraid to say anything to you because it'll be wrong."
"Well, if that's how you feel." Mark stood up. "Why didn't you say anything before?!" I could tell he was hurt.
"You know why you're at our beckon call? Because most of the time, we're right. Also, how dare you say we don't know what's best for you. We're you!"
"No you're not!" I was almost about to lose my voice from these fucking voices.
But then one voice came through crystal clear. "I'm done."
I looked up just in time to see Mark grabbing his keys and walking out the door.
"Mark...?" I couldn't say anything more. My head was throbbing. I could watch his car pull out of the driveway and speed down the road. "Mark?!" I wailed. Tears were now streaming down my face. This wasn't like him. What was happening? Where was he going?
The room was spinning and I started to walk but ended up stumbling into walls. "I thought I told you to SHUT UP!" I screeched wiping papers off the counters.
"You can't tell yourself to shut up."
"Oh yes I can. Because like I said, I'm you." I told them.
"You never said that."
"Yes I did!" I picked up an empty water bottle and threw it across the room, I heard something shatter but I was too dizzy to even look to see what it was.
"You never said that. We did." The voice said.
I got up to make sure nothing had gotten too broken; as I stumbled into the kitchen, my head was pounding so hard I thought I was going to throw up.
"I want you to go away and never come back." I said.
"No can do honey. You're stuck with us."
I made my way over to the knife station. I picked up the biggest butcher knife I could find.
"You think I'm stuck with you?" I said, starting to aim the knife at my heart. I was now sobbing from the pain and all the confusing things that were happening. That's when I heard a thud. I looked up and saw Sean standing there with a shocked look on his face. The grocery bag had fallen over onto the floor with its contents spilled out.
"Jess...put the knife down." Sean said softly making his way over to me slowly.
I just shook my head and started putting the knife closer.
"Jess...listen to me, put the knife down."
"Don't do this." The voice said.
"Sean.." I said as I was about to pierce my heart with the knife. I could then feel Sean rip the knife out of my hand. He set it on the counter far from me and then wrapped his arms around me. I just started to sob.
"I wanna die! Please!" I was wailing at him.
He didn't respond. He just kept holding me.
"Noooo! I wanna die! I wanna die!"
I looked at him and saw nothing but a blur. His mouth was moving but all I heard was buzzing.
Then blackness.