Carrier (TPA2)

29

   
      The sounds of cries fill my ears and wake me up. I slip from the bed and rub my eyes free of any sleep remaining. I can hardly sleep as it is. There's too much going on in my mind.

   "Alex." I croak, stepping into the dimly light kitchen. Alexi will not stop screaming in his hands. Alex's eyes snap to me in an instant, and he looks exhausted. Alex looks like a monster compared to the tiny thing in his arms.

"Let me see him." I want to hold Alexi against me, and Alex is having trouble soothing the baby. He hesitates, but hands Alexi over to me. The baby's cries get softer when he's wrapped in my scent. I mean, he's only been surrounded in it for eight months. Everything else is new to him.

I step out of the kitchen and into the living room. My body molds into the soft rocking chair and I flip on the side table lamp. Alexi is only a week old. I got out of the hospital two days ago. Alex insists that I heal more before I leave. I agreed, only because I want to stay and see Alexi more, and because I really don't want to do anything for awhile. The aftermath of having a baby is awful.

Alex is quiet and nearly sneaks up on me with a bottle. I give him a silent thank you, and push it into Alexi's mouth. He goes quiet in a matter of seconds when he tastes the formula. I sigh. I push my fingers through Alexi's hair. I cannot see them right now, but his eyes are a grassy shade of green. It's like they're the deepness of Alex's and the color of my own.

"I booked you a flight for next monday." Alex says, taking a seat on the couch. I let out a sigh and turn to Alex. Most of my attention is on the baby in my hands. I cannot get enough of him.

"Oh." I mumble. I don't think that I'm ready to just up and leave Alexi. I look back down at him and watch him move slightly. "Thank you." I breath out. Alex gives me a tired smile and shakes his head.

"No, Mama. Thank you for everything." He says. "You're too good for me, and yet you've made me the happiest man alive." He let's out a breath and leans onto the back of the couch.

I force a smile onto my face. I can feel how happy he is just by the air around us. It's radiating off of him.

I look around the room. Today is saturday. Two more days. My wolf is excited to finally be with Ryan and North again. I feel like she's developed a better sense of judgment, and power from this entire experience. You learn from your mistakes. I'll know not to just trust everyone.

I, my human, don't think I'm completely ready to leave. Although my wolf completely adores Alexi, a wolf has the instinct to eventually give them up. It's easy for a wolf to reject a child. They'll just make more. I cannot. Alexi is a part of me. He has been a part of me, and I'll have that constant guilty reminder that I should be here helping Alex raise him. However, Alex promised me the day I conceived Alexi that I would go home to my family.

I repeat it to myself over and over again that I want to go home to Ryan. I want him to hold me and promise me that everything's okay. I want to watch him get over protective when it comes to North.

I feel as if my heart is tearing into two pieces. One of which is going out to Alex and Alexi, and the other to Ryan and North. I feel like a gun has went off in my brain, making everything all jumbled together and disorganized.

I try and numb the thoughts inside of my head. My eyes burn, and I cannot shut the thoughts out like I want to. I blink the tears away. There's no way in hell that I can just ignore what's going on in my mind. Its a constant battle, and both sides don't seem to have the upper hand against the other.

It's hard to explain what's going on. It's like I'm fighting the feelings of wanting to stay away, but sometimes they get over powering. Every time I look at Alexi they seem to over power the feeling of wanting to go back home.

"Will you sleep with me tonight?" Alex asks. I turn to look at him and furrow my eyebrows. I hadn't slept in the same room as him for nearly a month and a half now.

"Why?" I ask. Alex swallows, and looks towards Alexi in my arms.

"I can tell how troubled you are, mama. I just want to sleep next to you in the most innocent way possible, and be able to hold you close and make sure that you have a good night sleep. I don't want there to be feelings, I can't do that to you. I just want to hug you while you sleep, and I know you sleep better when you sleep next to someone. Please, just let me hold you one more night." He begs. I look down at the baby sleeping in my hands and let out a tired sigh. I pull the bottle from his mouth and nod my head.

"Only tonight." I say. Alex's lips curl into a sincere smile.

"Only tonight." He repeats for assurance. I stand to my feet and nod my head. Alexi is asleep so now is a good time for me to get back to sleep before he wakes up. I'll have Alex get up to him.

I rest Alexi in his crib at the end of the bed and climb into the bed that is still slightly warm. Alex crawls in next to me, and pulls me against his chest. Alex is right. I do feel a lot better when I sleep next to someone.

Even if it's the man that took me on a tour to hell, and has finally decided to take me back home. I snuggle my head against his chest and let out a soft sigh.

"Goodnight, Alex." I mumble, feeling his hand rub circles in the small of my back. Alex let's out a soft chuckle. I've only ever called him Alex these past few months.

"Goodnight, mama." He whispers. I close my eyes, and sleep better than I have throughout my entire time here.

    Whoah. What do you guys think?