Carrier (TPA2)

37

I hardly sleep on the plane. I mostly drift in and out of my sleep, waking up because of a stupid nightmare I keep having.

I let out a sigh and look out my window. I'm terrified of heights, but I've got to handle this. I mean, I know that I've done it before. Unconscious.

I don't feel anything. It's like, emotionally I'm numbed. I keep this guilty feeling in the back of my head about leaving Alexi behind. I'm a terrible person.

I swallow, hard. The thought of Alexi will drive me mad. He will grow up without a mother, I mean, unless Jewel takes my place.

Ryan places a hand over mine, and captures my complete attention. There are bags underneath his eyes, and a bruise on his cheek. At first, my body tenses. My wolf doesn't let that last though, relief washes over me at his touch.

"Do you want anything?" He offers, brushing hair back behind my ear. I look down at my lap and break eye contact with him. I know he hates me. He's mad at me because of what I had done.

I thought it was the best decision. That if I had agreed to have Alex's baby, then I could go back home. It all sounded reasonable at the time. I guess I really didn't think much about how it would affect Ryan. Or myself.

I look back up at him. He's trying. I remind myself that he hasn't shouted anything hateful towards me, yet. The least I can do is answer his questions and speak to him.

"No." I say. I meet his eyes, and they soften. I should be the one trying to console him. Not this way. "But thank you." I add. Ryan forces a smile onto his face.

"The airport is at least three hours away and it's already one in the morning. So when we get there, well just stay at a hotel for awhile, yeah?" He offers. I don't know how to feel.

I look down at his hand on top of mine, and watch how he rubs his thumb over my pale skin. I don't remember the last time I was outside longer than an hour. I have a chance to explain myself to him at the hotel when were alone. I just do not know if I can bring myself to do just that.

"Yeah," I whisper, looking back up at Ryan. Finally agreeing with him on something perks him up. Not a lot, but it's noticeable.

        §

  I've anticipated this moment. In a dream world. When I could finally tell him why I was gone, and that I'm okay. Truth is, in my dream I was okay, but in real life I'm anything but.

Ryan buys three separate rooms. Unfortunately, they're separated with two rooms between each. I don't say anything.

"Here's your guys' keys. Don't trash the rooms- please." Ryan says to Marcus and Lucas before pushing the door open to the rented room.

It's nothing fancy. A televsision, a bed, dresser, and a bathroom. I stand by the door breifly, looking at the few decorations. I feel my mind wander away from me.

I take a seat on the edge of the bed, and smooth out the comforter. "Can I take a shower?" I ask, looking up at Ryan with hopeful eyes.

"Please." Ryan says softly. "You reek of him." He explains. I feel my guilt consume me even more. I don't think that he meant it in a hateful way, but just to remind me that he hates me smelling of anything other than him.

"Okay." I whisper, stepping into the bathroom and shutting the door behind me. Tears are on the brink of spilling. I don't know why those simple words can have such a huge effect.

I'm quiet, and while I shower a few tears mix with the fresh, cool water. I hate myself. I hate everything that I've done against Ryan. I was pregnant for crying out loud! I don't know why he can find it in his heart to forgive me so easily, or even at all!

I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around my body. I don't like my reflection in the mirror, and I avoid it at all costs.

In an effort to get away from Ryan so quickly, I forgot to get any kind of clothing arrangement. I look at the dirty clothes on the floor, they smell like Alex. I can't do that to him. If I put then back on, he might think that I don't want him anymore.

"Ryan?" I wonder, clutching the towel to my body tighter and opening the door. He sits up from where he was lying on the bed and furrows his eyebrows. There's a look in his eye that sparks my attention. He shouldn't be looking at me like he wants me. He should be mad, and looking at me in disgust. Or not even looking at me at all.

"Do you have anything I can wear? I don't have anything and I don't want to put the same clothes on." I explain. Ryan gives me a soft smile. Is he happy, or amused?

I pull my lip between my teeth as he crawls to the end of the bed a tugs a t-shirt and some boxers out of his suit case.

I meet him halfway, and he hands me the clothes. His hands linger on mine, I cannot help but notice how he still had his ring on. It gives me a sense of hope that maybe he has already forgiven me. I haven't forgiven myself yet, nor do I think I ever will.

I get dressed in the bathroom, and I'm back in the main part of the hotel room in a few minutes. My eyes burn from being open for so long-and not to mention crying more today than I have my entire life- and all I want to do is sleep.

I climb into bed, and stray as far away from Ryan as I possibly can. I want to explain what happened to me, but I'm too exhausted, and I don't have it in me to give off that kind of energy.

"Did he treat you okay?" Ryan asks, breaking the silence as I lay in the dark. He didn't at first.

"He wasn't mean to me." Unless I made him mad. I close my eyes and don't face Ryan and keep my back faced to him.

"Did he force you to have his baby?" Ryan croaks out. I take in a deep breath and shake my head.

"At first. All I kept doing was crying and begging for him to let me go home. Eventually we came to an agreement. If I had his baby, he would let me go home." I explain. My voice gets shaky at first. I take in a deep breath and sigh. I don't want to cry, and I'm refusing to.

"I should have fought harder." I mumble, more to myself than to him. I could have tried even harder.

"No. You fought hard enough. You sacrificed so much already, Taylor. Making an agreement to get back home was probably one of the most bravest things you can do." Ryan says softly. And one of the hardest, considering I left a baby behind.

Ryan pulls me close against his chest, and rubs soothing circles against my skin. My eyes momentarily close. That is, until his hand reaches up and intertwines out fingers. I feel his heart beat race against my back as I squeezes his back. I'm still guilty, but somehow Ryan still finds forgiveness in his heart. Maybe I can try to find forgiveness in myself.

"You still have your ring?" I wonder out loud, running my thumb over the top of his ring.

"I haven taken it off." He says softly against the back of my neck. "Do you not?" He asks.

I swallow, and think back to what happened to mine. I close my eyes and shake my head. Here comes guilt again. "No, I lost it." I say. I had searched everywhere for it, but it never came up.

"That's okay," he whispers, pressing a kiss against my wet hair. "I'll just buy you a new one. Maybe an even better one." He mumbles.

My heart swells. He still wants to be with me.

I DONT KNOW HOW TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS ARE MIXED! WBU?